LITERARY GALUMPH

Memo to Outgoing Cabinet Members

by
Jonathan Stern

Memorandum
to: All Cabinet Members

Dear Secretary of _______________:

Good news! You're resigning. For your convenience, below is a suggested template for use in the drafting of your resignation letter. You are encouraged to personalize by copying it over in your own handwriting. Neatness counts! Please feel free to use your own words. More specifically, your own name. Any other deviation from the text will result in immediate Richard Clarke treatment.

Dear Mr. President,

It is with great sadness and a heavy     [heart / soul / wallet]     that I must offer you my resignation as Secretary of ________________.

We have accomplished much these past four years, and I am proud to have been a part of     [your / Karl’s / your dad's]     team. Together, we have seen the end of a decade of     [neglect / burdensome regulation / compromise / prosperity]     which has threatened our very     [existence / way of life / water supply / indomitable grip on power / trade imbalance / close friends and donors]     . I can depart my post, confident that our country is in on the right course and with the satisfaction of a job well done     [ ! / !! / !!! / ☺ ]     .

There is still work to do, however. Now that the country has been     [protected / secured / stripped / brainwashed]         [from / of / for]     its     [enemies / friends / resources / self-esteem / soul / relationship to The Constitution]     , my successor will be free to focus on the trivial pursuits of a second term. Nevertheless, I know that, under your firm yet     [gentle / divine / iron-fisted]     guidance, this department and America will never waiver in the continuing War on     [Terror / the Poor / the Environment / Activist Judges / the Liberal Media / Women / Ted Kennedy / Sex]     .

This decision, of course, is a personal one. No one has in any way foisted upon me, hinted at backstage during the convention, or leaked to the press my agonizing decision to resign. When you first appointed me, I had resolved, in a secret conversation between just you and me that was never referenced even once in the past four years, that I had only intended to stay for one term. I wish to return to my pursuit of     [riches / knowledge / knowledge of riches / my oil company]     that I have neglected for so long.

No matter how vehemently you request it, I will not be writing any books about my time as your Secretary of ________________. Nor will I be reading any books either. I simply need time to spend with my     [family / aforementioned riches / prized racehorse / forthcoming lucrative lobbying position]     .

This in no way is an admission of wrongdoing, incompetence, disagreement, or any other sort of mistake-making. If the liberal media somehow tries to make it seem as such, let me say here and now that you had no knowledge of it. Whatever it is.

It has been my honor and privilege to serve under you these past four years. May God continue to be at your side, in that little anteroom you fixed up for Him where the library used to be.

                                                                                 Yours,

                                                                                _______________________
                                                                                Secretary of ____________