LITERARY TRAMP

SHORT INTRODUCTION I HAVE PLANNED FOR WHEN I GET TO BREAK GROUND ON THE NEW WING OF THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL IN MY TOWN

by
Geoff Wolinetz

When Mr. Morgenthau asked me to say a few word at this groundbreaking ceremony, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Is he KID-ding?”

[Hold for laughter]

After all, I don’t have any children of my own. As many of you know, due to circumstances of which we’re not quite sure, my lovely wife Deirdre and I are unable to have children. That’s not to say we’ve stopped trying to make babies, if you know what I mean. Who’s with me?

[Hold for applause]

A short time ago, Mr. Morgenthau came to me and told me that we needed a new children’s hospital. He told me that the old one was in disrepair. He told me that if the children didn’t get the proper facilities that some of them wouldn’t be able to survive. Our old hospital was overcrowded and that we needed money to provide for a new one. I told him that I bought lunch, but I couldn’t foot the bill for everything.

[Hold for laughter]

Who would have ever thought that this dream could become a reality? Today, we break ground on a new facility thanks to your generous support. A call went out to the community and after several unreturned phone messages, you answered in the form of dollars and, in the case of some of you really cheap bastards, cents. Every little bit counts, right?

[Hold for applause]

And now, I’d like to take the ceremonial shovel and plant it in the ceremonial dirt, so we can finally break ground on this long-awaited children’s facility. And as for the hospital administrators, I’d like to thank Dr. Harvey, Dr. Strand, Dr. Gupta, and Dr. Trask. Boy, I’d like to plant my shovel in Dr. Trask’s dirt, huh? This guy knows what I’m talking about. All right.

[Hold for laughter]

Thank you.