LITERARY TOAST

Choire Sicha Is Not Who You Think He Is

I was at a bar here in Chicago a few weeks ago, cursing myself per usual for not living in New York, as everything that is important happens there. I was talking with one of my ugly, non-fabulous, Midwestern friends, who happened to go to the same high school as I, graduating several years ahead of me.

“Did you know that Choire Sicha went to our high school?” she said.

“What?”

“Yeah! He was this cute gay boy who was in all the musicals and all the girls loved him but of course that wasn’t going to work out.”

So I’m just here to inform the world that Choire Sicha, man about town, has roots here in the Second (and Far Shittier) City. Actually, not even that—the suburbs.

In some ways, Evanston Township High School is like the Hollywood High of the Midwest. John and Joan Cusack went there. So did the guy who played Tony on “Blossom.” And now, Sicha continues the long line of famous people emerging from the rough-and-tumble Wildkit dirt.

But in case you were reading Gawker daily, thinking to yourself, “Only a real, true, born-in-the-back-of-a-cab New Yorker could write this stuff,” you’re wrong. Sicha is an immigrant of cool. So, New Yorkers, the next time you look around on the street and marvel at the magnitude of sex and sophistication that is your city, take a moment and shudder to think: Some of these people may have drifted over from the Plains.

Ew.

Claire Zulkey watches too much TV in Chicago. She writes daily at Zulkey.com.

Hi, kids! Mikey Stoyanov here! That's right--Blossom's eldest brother Tony! Sure, you remember me--I kicked my addictions and then drove around in an ambulance with my hot black wife! Good times, good times... and, ironically, the complete opposite of what my real life has become: I'm a slave to the monkey, I drive a bus, and I've got an ugly, white-trash wife. Ha! Just kidding--I wish I drove a bus! Hey, does anybody know how to upload a résumé onto HotJobs?

Anyway, it's true: I did go to high school with Choire. Only back then, he still spelled himself 'Corey,' because that was before he got all gay and trendy and pretentious. Oh, and he spelled his last name 'Schwartz.' Fucking poseur!

Whatever, I always liked Choire because a lot of times the bullies beat the shit out of him instead of me.

What? Who the fuck is Choire Sicha?

Just think, Choire: if you would've said yes when I asked you to the prom, you might have eventually become best friends with my brother, and then you'd be making millions in Hollywood while Jeremy Piven types away on the Internet, you shithead.

Hey ya, kids. Piven here. Everybody watch my show "Entourage" on HBO Sunday nights at 10. I got ten thousand dollars says I'm gonna get me a fucking Best Supporting Actor (Comedy) nomination, sucka! Eat shit, Everybody Loves Raymond's brother, you hulking freak-mutant. Choire, honey. Call me, baby. You delicious mushpuff. Meow.