LITERARY FRIPPERY

The Enemy Within

by
Randy “Macho Man” Savage

Oooooooh, yeah!

Friends, Macho Man’s gonna tell you a little story right now. In one corner, we have the people who represent good, clean American living. They’re the people that pay their taxes on time. They’re the people that are church-goin’ folks. They like their beer cold. And they like their wrestling staged in rings while ignoring the homoerotic message that two men grappling and squirming around in spandex sends. They want their kids to go to good, safe schools. They want to put terrorists in a figure four leg lock and then pin them for a three count.

Then, there’s the other corner. There are the folks that live in their big city apartments. They want men to open-mouth kiss in the middle of the sidewalk. They want your children to shoot up in back alleys. They want to take your money and give it to people who don’t want to work for their own. They turn wrestling off because they think it’s childish and violent. They want to eat your babies. They want to smash your God-fearing world against the turnbuckles. They want to take your values, put them in a headlock, turn them in a circle, throw them up against the ropes and then clothesline them to the ground.

Miss Elizabeth is with me on this one 100%. We can’t let these people climb on the top ropes and body-slam our way of life. Because if you let them pile-drive you now, you’ll never get your life to be the way you want it. They’re going to take every cent you have and let it line to pockets of people waiting to do drugs. You think Macho Man’s gonna stand by and let the pinko commies take over? No way, friends. Not on Macho Man’s watch. Macho Man’s gonna take the fight to the people. That’s right.

Macho Man doesn’t think this is a joke and neither should you. Friends, we need to do what I did to Hulk Hogan in Piper’s Pit back in 1985. We need to take a chair from ringside and we need to smash it over the heads of these people to knock some sense into them and show them who’s boss. Hogan couldn’t tell me what to do then and no big-city-living punk is gonna tell me what to do now.

Friends, I think you’re with me on this. The terrorists are a threat to us, but the people working inside would rather see two women holding hands than see our children walk the streets in safety. And that’s not the country that I wrestle for!

Step into a Slim Jim! Ooooooh, yeah!