LITERARY ANAMOLY

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids:
Chapter 4, “Toys”

by
Trevor Seigler

Hey kids, Bill O’Reilly here, and I’ve got some tips for you in regards to the kind of toys you should have if you want to grow up to be a stand-up guy or gal. But first, the Talking Points:

• Talking Points is pleased that you’ve chosen to buy this book or pestered your parent and/or guardian for the purchase of this tome. We believe that every American kid needs to know that I’m looking out for you.
  
• Scandals brought against me by the liberal elite in this country should not lead you to worry that I am “unfit for command.” I have long been a target of those in the media who disagree with me that we all have the right to a free press, unbiased and absent of malice. I will continue to stand firm in the face of erroneous allegations.
  
  
• Talking Points believes that you, the youth of America, will always stand behind your Uncle Bill when he finds himself under attack. I thank you for your support and look forward to times ahead where you may further demonstrate your loyalty to me. What say you, youth of America?

With that being said, let’s look at the sort of toys young people like yourself love to play with. I’ve always been amazed by the ingenuity of the American toy manufacturers, and free from government hassles like safety regulations, I welcome the appearance of every new advancement in the world of play.

Video games do concern me, however: impressionable youths are led to believe that a life of crime, murder, and rap music are acceptable standards in today’s world. That’s why I plan to come out with my own video game, “Who’s Looking Out for You?” this April.

The game, which will follow in the tradition of Sims, will involve me as “neighborhood watchman,” keeping an eye out for child molesters, murderers, and suspicious types, all let out of prison by liberals and activist judges. The game will involve me calling your characters every hour on the hour, to discuss how to protect yourself from Fred the Ice-Cream Truck Driver, George the Comic-Book Shop Owner, and Abdullah the Shifty-Eyed Foreigner. It should be loads of fun.

I’m aware that toys with motion sensors are considered “fun” nowadays. Much like vibrating beepers and cell phones, today’s youth are being inundated by all sorts of movable objects. Let’s set the record straight on what separates “good play” from “bad play.”

When you have something as basic as a Tickle-Me Elmo doll, it would stand to reason that you may be tempted (due to unabated liberal peer pressure) to try and put the device somewhere in your “sensitive regions.” I can tell you firsthand that such behavior with what constitutes an innocent children’s toy is perfectly unnatural and should fill you with shame. Nonetheless, I can say that Elmo is hardly as exciting as an “adult” vibrator or a “real-life motion” Teddy Ruxpin doll.

If you’re going to use vibrating toys for “stimulation” of certain body parts that I’m legally forbidden to mention here, be careful about it. No one would call their executive producer with a Furbie between their legs to enhance the experience, would they? At the end of this chapter you’ll find a toll-free number, feel free to use it anytime you suspect that you’re using your toy improperly. I’ll be glad to offer advice on the correct use . . .

Well, kids, my lawyer says I’ve gone too far, but I hope that you’ll give my video game a chance. Keep on reading, my chapter on phone-sex etiquette is just a page-turn away.

Bill O’Reilly, Looking Out for You (and Liking What He Sees)