LITERARY RELEASE

Ann Coulter Consults Her Mentor

by
George Motisher



I’ve searched all over for cameras, and I got those egg cartons up now, so nobody can listen through the walls. I even balanced a bottle on the door knob, so we’ll know if someone jiggles it. I think it’s safe for you to come in.

No, that quadriplegic across the street won’t see you.

What do I want your advice on? Well, I need some guidance on my new book. Some of the editors think I’m too obnoxious, but I want to make it stronger. Even though they say they’re conservatives, I wonder.

You agree? I knew you would; you’re so logical and clever.

But something else is troubling me, too. You see, I met this liberal on a talk show today, and even though I did everything to converse with him—you know, called him a liar and traitor, insinuated he was a fag, and even accused him of being an immoral Hollywood Jew—he didn’t turn all red and stammer like liberals always do when you confront them with facts.

I know, I couldn’t believe it, either.

Anyway, what he did was calmly produce a bunch of documents showing that Bush had cut funds for programs the conservatives pushed . . . .

Oh, that quadriplegic? Don’t worry, I put a big plant in front of the window. He can’t see you.

Anyway, the stuff looked so real.

Right! I forgot! Liberals can easily fake even budget figures and The Congressional Record. Thank goodness you reminded me. I remember now how they have that big network of slimy liars…

I tell you, he can’t see you. But if you’re worried, we can switch places. That quadriplegic gets on my nerves, too. There. That better?

Anyway, like you say, those liberals are always getting together to forge documents, and they have all those college professors, retired statesmen, scientists, and the media to help. And they talk about a rightwing conspiracy!

I see you’re looking at the window again. I know; it’s that shitty cripple. I wish he’d stop living with that damned nurse, and go get a job. Then maybe he’d appreciate what a conservative has to deal with; working all the time so people like him can be lazy.

Oh, the nurse? Yes, it is a male nurse. Pretty perverted, huh? I mean one guy washing another one! I see it through my telescope every day, and it’s just sick.

I mean, why can’t they pass laws, or something? The conservatives control the House and Senate.

I know. I wonder too if they’re really on our side. I think maybe you’re my one and only friend. You’re so strong and clever and handsome. Such a staunch conservative. I know you’d never even look at some skank like that treasonous Madonna. You’d probably just sneak in and stab her in the shower like she deserves.

Now you’re making me blush! You really like my boobies better, and you think my tight new outfit is hot? I’m glad somebody appreciates me. Those dickless bastards can keep their slutty interns! I’m all yours!

Anyway, I’m glad I asked you about my book, and also those lies I got confused by.

Yes, of course I’ll do what I can about that quadriplegic. Maybe Rummy can ship him to Iraq. He’d really learn conservative values then.

I know you have to go now, darn it! I’ll be thinking of you. Yes, dear—I can call you “dear,” I hope—I’ll buy an assault weapon, and I won’t be afraid to use it when those crazed paranoid liberals try to sneak past my other defenses. Take care going out, my love. Bumping those closet shelves can really hurt.