LITERARY JINGOISM

The Adams Family:
My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research

by
Jeremy Martin

John Adams was actually chosen as George Washington’s vice president by the British. They were given the right to appoint the vice president as a consolation prize at the end of the Revolutionary War, after wisely choosing to trade their zonk prize of the Canadian provinces for the mystery prize behind curtain number two. The last vice president chosen under this system was Spiro Agnew.

John Quincy Adams was not John Sr.’s biological son, but was in fact an early steam-powered robot developed by none other than Charles Dickens.

John Q. Adams was the first president to win the electoral vote and lose the popular vote. In the end, the election was decided by a pie-eating contest.

John Adams was the first president to live in the White House. The White House at that time was not really white but was actually the hollowed-out carcass of a grizzly bear.

Though Harry Truman is often given the blame, it was John Q. Adams who ordered the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in order to rid the world of “the dreaded, slant-eyed Hun.”

John Sr. and Thomas Jefferson were bitter rivals and, interestingly enough, both died on July 4, 1826, only a few hours apart. On his death bed, Jefferson, the first to die, said, “John Adams still lives—Let freedom ring!” Ironically, Adams’s last words a few hours later were reportedly “Well at least I outlived that cocksucker Thomas Jefferson.”