Ray Stillman
Ray Stillman once killed a man with his bare hands, although he is not one to brag about such things. He is an aspiring screenwriter, an inspiring poet, and a perspiring photographer. Mr. Stillman is an ex-New Yorker who now lives in scenic, sunny, star-saturated Los Angeles, in an apartment building between a bowling alley and a tattoo parlor. He often finds it difficult to resist the urge to ink "Gutter balls" across the knuckles of his left hand. He has made sweet, sweet love with supermodel Heidi Klum many, many times but, again, is not one to brag.
DIGGIN' IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
Editor's Note: This first appeared on Yankee Pot Roast roughly 364 days and 39 minutes ago... if we were counting. Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of... 
Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of bread you want for your sandwich and I pick it out for you!
How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team
“. . . When you boys go back out on the court, I want you to remember this: you’re not playing for yourselves. You’re playing for the team. I don’t care who makes the basket as long as he’s wearing...
Coverage from a Hollywood Reader
A development assistant reports the viability of adapting The Devil Wears Prada and The Da Vinci Code.
Lessons Learned from HBO
Don't cross the streams. There's no crying in baseball. You do not talk about fight club. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking. Never get...
Poker
“O.K., I’ll raise you 25.” “Call.” “Call.” “Hey, Bill, what are these drapes made out of?” “What?” “The drapes. Is it chenille?” “Why, yes it is, Doug. I didn’t think you’d notice.” “Of course, Chenille is a marvelous fabric, isn’t...
Lady, Your Pipes Need Cleaning
Look, lady, your pipes are all clogged up. They need to be cleaned out. They--what? Oh, it’s the tools. The weight of the tools in my belt is what makes my pants hang so low. I know, I know--it’s kind...
"I Do"
How I Will Refer to My Wife if or When I Get Married (Which, by the Way, I Will Only Refer to as ‘Getting Hitched’) “The missus.” “The little lady.” “The lil’ lady.” “The ol’ ball and chain.” But...
Obituaries
August, 1984 Hank, beloved goldfish. He was the one with the black spot on his tail. He swam a lot. Hank died of natural causes. He is survived by his loving friends, Henry, Howie, and Harry. August, 1984 Henry, beloved...
Infantile Nomenclature
it is likely you’ve selected Zoe, Chloe, Emma, Emily, or Abby for your daughter's name. This is terrible.
If I Could Fly or Shoot Lasers from My Eyes
If I could fly, I think the world would me a much better place. For one thing, I’d never have to wait for the subway to come, and when it does come, I wouldn’t have to squeeze into an overstuffed,...
You're Firing Me?
Did you find the bottle of Stoli in my bottom-right desk drawer? Behind the hanging file folders? Because I would have locked it, but I lost the key. Do the words "gross incompetence" mean anything at all to you people?...
Pen Pals
Dear Orko, Gosh, it's sure been a wild week here at Cat's Lair! The boys got all liquored up last night at a party with the Walrusfolk. Panthro went out joyriding and ran over a couple of Berbils. I've been...
Clips from Upcoming Films I Don't Want to See
George Washington Carver [Starring Orlando Jones and Beyoncé Knowles. Directed by Orlando Jones.] "Anyway, like I was sayin', peanuts is the candy of the earth. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. You can...
A TV-Commercial Script
Two TEENAGE GIRLS spot a PREPPIE GUY strutting in the distance. They giggle and swoon, then chase after him. Off screen, two Aretha-sounding SOUL DIVAS sing: First Singer (Second Singer): Who's that walkin' down the street? (Who?) That boy with...
A Salute to Some Things Irish
To Sanjay, the good man at me Dunkin Donuts! Ye serve me green-frosted donuts with li'l green sprinkles today! Let’s drink Guinness till we vomit!
A Short Film That Will Be Rated 'R', for Nudity, Drug Use, Adult Language, and Excessive Violence, in That Order
Wait till you see the unrated cut.
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