When You Said, "Insensitive Prick," Were You Talking to Me?
I'm sorry about that. I was all the way over here and not paying attention. You weren't referring to me, were you? I cannot see how you could possibly think that. Baby, we've been through so much together. Remember that...
You Call That Celebrity Prostitution?
You call that celebrity prostitution? If you want to get out there and get yourself a celebrity john, you're going to have to do a lot better than that. For starters, I've seen better ass-shaking at a fat farm. If...
Why Won't Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place?
It's a simple request. I don't ask for much. I'm a law-abiding citizen of these United States. I don't drink or smoke. I always hold the door open for ladies when they are walking into a building ahead of me....
Random Selections from the 'H' Volume of the Encyclopedia
Horse is a large, four-legged animal that, when sat upon and led by a Carnie with three teeth, will take you around a foul, dung-filled, rotting path for just 3 dollars. Hokey Pokey is a silly stupid game/dance/activity for retards...
First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter
Dear Boss, I hereby submit this letter of resignation because I have fouled things up so royally and irreparably that it'd be best if I left before I got caught, because then I’d get yelled at, and possibly sued. Please...
Random Selections from the 'U' Volume of the Encyclopedia
Umbrellas are good for staying dry in the rain... for normal people. Criminal masterminds may see the umbrella as a tool for shooting mind-controlling rays upon the public. Uganda is a country in Africa. There are a lot of black...
A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter
Written by a guy who never read the books or watched the films, but is pretty good at figuring things out. Ah, the wonderful world of witchcraft and wizardry! That J. K. Simmons really transports us into a delusional fantasy...
Cooking
My apron says, "Kiss the Cook." It indicates that I, the wearer, should be kissed to thank me for my cooking efforts. It doesn't matter that I've burnt the potatoes Julienne. The point is I'm cooking and you, the diner,...
Why Do People Keep Telling Me I'm Racist and Stupid?
I just don't get it. I am an upstanding member of the business community. I work hard five days a week to make a living. Just the other day I was on the phone with my Jew accountant Finkelstein and...
If S.T.D.s Were People, I'd Be China
I know what you are thinking to yourself: "How could you be so disease-ridden?" Well, I’m not even sure when it all started. I have always had a weakness for flesh. At the age of three, I groped my babysitter....
