Kevin Zeidler
Kevin Zeidler is a green banana, unripe, and therefore unable to vote the current president out of office, sign up for Friendster, grow a soul patch, or buy an inflatable sex doll from the Hustler store. A high-school senior and scholarly student from San Diego, California, his comparatively low balance in the Bank of Age leaves him with no impressive credentials, but in lieu of these, he finds it possible to get by on charm, wit, and sexual favors alone.
Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist
“Go to your enclosed habitat.” 
I Was a Virgin Sex Doll
I am an inflatable doll purchased at the Hustler store.
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