Money-Saving Holiday Shopping Tips from the Wizard of Oz
I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Those who come before me cannot help but to cower and quail at my flaming visage. But I still have limits on my credit cards, and during these recessionary times, even mighty despots with enormous Heads have to count their pennies.
Happy Festival of Lights!
Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah! (Let's settle on the spelling. No more of that "
ch" crap.)
Turducken Cookin': John Madden's Favorite Thanksgiving Day Feasts from Around the World
The football gourmand's recipes for Kangaby, Hippeleraffe, and Humanzee for your holiday feast.
Teaching English in Europe: Conversation Prompts
It's every teacher's nightmare.
Your students just won't talk! Well, loosen 'em on up with the following conversation prompts!
So, You've Decided to Become a Drifter
The life of a drifter is lonely, hard and trying, but when you're lying there, sprawled across a bench at the bus station, you can take pride in knowing that you're helping other people feel better about their choices in life.
Not-So-Famous Last Words
Match the not-so-famous last words below with their famous speaker!
The Everyman's Guide to Adoption
Once your return the baby safely to your hostel or back alley, it is important to make an exit as quickly and quietly as possible.
So You Want to Hunt and Kill a Care Bear
Patrick Barb & Julia McCloy
Excerpts from Teddy Roosevelt's
Practical Field Guide to Hunting and Killing Care Bears
The Steps to a Successful Interview
Lithium acts as a stabilizer to hide your psychotic episodes. Taking this before your interview will leave the interviewer with a stronger sense that you might actually live in the same reality as they do.
November 2008 Election Guide
Y.P.R.'s handy-dandy ballot picker, so you don't blow it on the big day.
Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father
What's a gamer dad to do when his wife is out leafleting in front of a biochemical plant (again) and he's left alone with his young child? Thankfully, he has these cogent tips to follow.
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Who Is Estranged from Me
1. Don't hit her. Take it from me, that makes her super estrangey.
Are You Going to Hell?
Take this 12-question quiz and find out!
Avoiding the 120 Days of Sodom: A 12-Step Program
Take communion, and with the wafer still in your mouth, have four gazelles nuzzle you with their soft chin and jowls.
11 Words That Sound Offensive, But Aren't
Learn how to use naughty-sounding words like "titular" and "prickmadam" in polite conversation.
Dating and Relationship Advice from the Guy Who Honks His Horn Repeatedly While Slowly Driving Past Women
As you slowly creep past her, blaring your car's horn and showering her with unwanted profanity-laced comments about her body, you've got to show her that you're in it for the long haul, not seeking some superficial one-night stand.
So Now You're a Therapist
You need scarves--lots and lots of brightly colored scarves. And you need to learn to tie them around your neck in jaunty knots.
How to Convince the Widow from Accounting That the One-Night Stand Was "Part of Her Recovery"
Suggest that she's going to start dating again sometime, and if she's going to be used and discarded it might as well be with a guy she knows
Hot Summer Looks Courtesy of Hollywood
The
Sex in the City girls are back! And they're bringing their fabulous wardrobes with them. But instead of waiting in line to grab Carrie's latest, why not branch out into some of summer cinema's other offerings for great trendspotting opportunities?
Innovative Marriage Proposals
Alternative Suggestions for Popping the Question.
Superhero, Supervillain, or Supertramp?
So you've been blasted by cosmic rays, or bitten by a genetically-engineered insect, or doused in toxic waste...
An Important Message About Breast Health from Antonio Banderas
If you like, you may imagine that it is my fingers, still rough from many hours of sword training, that are so insistently probing your bosom.
Some Tips on Identifying and Coping with Indigenous Nudity
Shame. Do you feel it? If yes, that's not indigenous nudity.
Which Saved by the Bell Character Are You?
Are you a Screech or a Lisa Turtle? Take our handy quiz and find out.
Recipe for Disaster
You will need: 1 ex-girlfriend; 8 Pabst Blue Ribbons; 1 gambling addiction; 4 cups self-esteem, minced; Dash of profanity ...
Become an Undecided Voter!
A simple test to determine your level of complete political indifference.
Are You Conservative or Liberal?
A Slightly Slanted Questionnaire
The Complete Idjit's Guide to Old-West Cussin'
As we saw in the last chapter, the trail is rough, and there will be times when it is appropriate to let loose a volley of cuss words such as
goldangit,
dadgummit, or
goddammit.
The Gummy Bear Survival Guide
Gummy Bears want to kill you. It's true.
How to Write Poetry
Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you're nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can't afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.
Cormac McCarthy on How to Write a Pulitzer Prize Winning Novel
The Pulitzer Prize-winning author extols the virtues of the Novel Writer Pro 2007.
How to Win at Pool
Becoming good at pool is a bit like taking a trip to a remote monastery somewhere in northern China. Not only does it take a lot of dedication, but let's face it--you won't be meeting any women for a while. You'll have to get used to the touch of a man's delicate flesh. And what better kind of manflesh is there than my pink, pudgy fingers gliding over this keyboard, typing a strategy out for winning at the ultimate American game?
How to Bluff Your Way Through a Heart Bypass
1. Whatever you do, stay calm. If you need to gird yourself with an affirmation, try screaming "STAY CALM" at top volume ...
Reading Tips for Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day
Thomas Pynchon has written a new novel and everybody cares because it is big. Here are some tips for reading it ...
Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion
In order to convert fluid ounces to milliliters in Poland--and most of Eastern Europe--the converter must acknowledge the existence of one and only one true form of gauging weights and measures, the Metric System, through which all things are weighed and measured. He must lovingly accept the Metric System into his heart and believe wholly and sincerely in that Blessed Trinity of measurement, the Liters, the Meters, and the Holy Grams.
Strategy Guide for Capcom's Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors
Stephen King is a fast-moving combatant, capable of unleashing a flurry of pages from his chest-mounted typewriter. Newbies will be intimidated by King's prolific output. Remember that King's attacks look terrifying but become less effective the more frequently they are used.
Op-Ed Recipe
The following ingredients make one serving of old-fashioned newspaper opinion column or two shorter helpings of op-ed pieces.
Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work
Slit your wrists with a Post-it. Be sure to use the non-sticky side, you don't want that strange gummy material re-sealing your wounds
Money-Making Secrets--Revealed!!!
I made $28,000 with only ONE HOUR of work in my spare time!
Quiz: Are You Curious?
One lazy Sunday afternoon, a man you've never met before arrives at your front door and claims to be your real father. What do you say to him?
Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies
Analogy: If an 18-year-old girl is like a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, then a sexy middle-aged woman is like ____.
What's Attacking You?
Are you reading
The New York Times in a reclined position on a beach, idly sipping a cool, refreshing glass of pink lemonade? If so, you are not under attack. You are enjoying a relaxing afternoon at the beach. Otherwise, proceed to Question 2.
Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? -- A Survival Guide
Q: This really reminds me of the tune "Down on the Corner." Is this where I am? Inside "Down on the Corner"?
AAA Gas-Saving Tips: Updated for the Coming Oil Apocalypse
If we ignore these changes and peak oil does occur, the unforeseen consequences could create a far darker world.
Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?
Please rate the statements in the following two categories as
never,
occasionally,
often, or
very often.
A Field Guide to Selected Western Artists
What you don't know about art might fill libraries. You're not sure. You've been busy making a living, or trying to decide which happy hour has the best taquitos.
How to Win at Cards
To properly play cards, you will need to find a sensei. This is usually an old Chinese man who will teach you all the things you need to know before you go out and teach those school bullies a lesson with your high-flying karate kicks!
Signs That Internet Dating Is Not Going Well for You
That Panamanian-transvestite-platypus dating Web site that you click onto as a joke has a very clear (and actually quite flattering) picture of you on it.
Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate
Don't you worry your pretty little head. Everything's going to be fine. The President has everything under control. He's just going to privatize it. It will only take a second. You can keep watching
Alias.
Catamount Encounters: Tips on Avoiding Trouble and Defending Yourself in an Attack
Adapted from Don’t Get Eaten: The Dangers of Animals that Charge or Attack by Dave Smith (The Mountaineers Books, $6.95, paperback). Limit your outdoor activities at dawn and dusk. Avoid catamount kill. Catamounts will cover a kill with dirt...
A Style Guide for Blog Parodists
As op-ed columnists have recently announced, something called a “blog” (short for “Web log”) has become very popular on something called the “Internet.” As savvy parodists with an eye for hilarious new trends, you are undoubtedly putting aside your unfinished...
How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle
So first you've got to get on the subway, sporting a tie-dyed T-shirt that warns, "It Ain't Gonna Lick Itself."
How to Write a Book
Do absolutely nothing until you can see the whites of your deadline's eyes.
Selected Tips from Emily Post's Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties
When choking or strangling, see to it that the victim's chair is first pulled back six inches from the dinner table, so that his flailing arms and legs do not upset the place setting.
An Excerpt from Bill O’Reilly’s Upcoming Book, How to Have Hot Sex Using a Falafel: For Kids
Now, I know there are some in the liberal élite who frown on incorporating a falafel into hot sex, especially when it comes to teaching kids how to have hot sex with a falafel, but those high-minded intellectuals are so out of touch with today's society that I don't really care what they think.
How to Get a Boyfriend, as Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister
Wear glitter eye shadow. Ignore that he’s shorter than you by, like, a foot. Practice roller-skating, because that’s what you’ll have to do together, but don’t actually own any roller skates, because that’s just retarded. Don’t say retarded, it’s mean to retarded people.
12 Easy Steps to a Better You
Workaday blues got you down? Sick of your job, spouse, and/or children? Convinced that life is just a long, desperate descent toward oblivion, punctuated by pain, loss, and disappointment? Well, you’re in luck—because we’ve got a dozen simple suggestions that...
Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over The Tonight Show in 2009
Long-term life projects while you wait to catch the talk-show host one hour earlier.
How to Conduct a Sincere Discussion Group on Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint with a Disruptive Norwegian Forest Cat on the Premises
In the spirit of the novel being discussed, arrange to meet in a hotel room in Washington D.C. Search the Internet for flight and hotel rates while playfully reciting Baker’s muscular dialogue and pretending to shoot your friends with...
How to Make the Most of This Desert Island Experience
How does the savvy shipwreck survivor keep himself busy in these crazy times?
The Shard Phenomenon and Its Potential Application as a Come-On
The next time you're at a party, instead of asking someone, "What do you do?" (over cocktails) or "What's your major?" (over the keg nozzle), ask your new acquaintance this: "Did you know a kid who crashed through a glass door?"
Writing Goodly
Look: Every stupid one of us possesses within his or her bowels a good story. It's lurking somewhere inside, in the guts, in the belly, safely hidden by all that bone and meat. Lurking. What you've got to do is...
How to Write Gouda
Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms. All day. How do I write so good, you ask, my little inanimate object into whom I will breathe life? By tripping out of my gourd. Woo hoooo. Beluga, beluga, screamed the painted stick. Focus, Tom, Focus....
Writing Well
Life is just one crushing disappointment after another until finally, you find yourself lying on a bed of other people’s money, completely naked, drunk as a skunk off of a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch that you swiped from Vonnegut’s liquor cabinet.
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
If you find yourself without a sweetie this St. Valentine's Day, there are still plenty of ways to cope with the wretched despair of solitude!
Writing Good
The way I see it is, everybody has a Mother. So that's something I make sure is in every story I write: a Mother. Another thing is that everybody is, at some point in his or her life, an only...
How to Wear Battle Dress
Week in, week out, when a problem calls for battle-dress expertise, my buddies come, cap in hand, whining to yours truly. You’d think its something that 21st Century hippolatas would have a handle on by now—some of these things have...
How I Quit Smoking
1. The Lozenge So I’m at work and I realize that I need to have copies of a letter to this client -- deadline yesterday -- for my boss. I go to the copier. Put the paper on the little...
Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!!
You know the authors' names. You recognize the title. This is The Elements of Style, the classic guide to English rules and usage, now in its fourth . . . ooops, make that fifth edition. The revisions to the new...
Tighter Abs in Six Weeks
Use the Ab Cruncher 3000 Three Times a Week and See a Whole New You! Week 1, Day 1 My Ab Cruncher 3000 came today. Sandy says you're supposed to keep a diary and write down exactly how many...
Urban Dance
WEEK 1: SUBWAY TANGO Hi, I’m Patricio, your instructor for today’s Subway Tango. Just before we start, can I check that everybody has read the introductory leaflet? Yes? Thank you. So . . . for the next four weeks...
Gygantopithecus Blackus, or, The Hunt for "Big Al"
Stalking the elusive "Bigfoot" of North America has been an activity of cryptozoölogists and laymen for centuries. Known by many different names like Sasquatch, Omah, and even "Big Al," could these gigantic, hairy creatures be real or just a figment...
Your Desk Is a Wonderland
Ninety-three percent of America's work force is surfing the Internet on their employers' dime. Of that percentage, nearly half will be reading this very article, (a quarter of whom have landed here unsuccessfully searching for "Bess Meyerson's nipples"). The remaining...
How to Fix Your Canon Copier
It's not an easy decision to come to. No one wants to put their Canon copier through such a traumatic event. But with the Canon copier population spiraling out of control and a shortage of loving homes for the little...
Sally's Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul
I work for a soulless, multinational mega-corporation that specializes in hoodwinking its consumer base into purchasing an inferior product. This corporation has also caused many of its individual investors to lose most or all of their life savings over the...
Ransom-Note Writing Tips
You’ve worked hard perfecting your elaborate plan, keeping tabs on your subject, selecting your tools and accomplices, running practice drills, forging documents . . . but have you forgotten the most important part of your heist or kidnapping scheme? Too...
Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder
"I like it flat, hard, and tasteless, if that makes any sense?"
How to Get Rid of a Body Using Ordinary Household Objects
O.K., we can chop him into eight or ten easy-to-manage parts using the kitchen Ginsu knives; we stuff each carryable body part into a pillowcase (dark-colored, so as to not reveal blood seeping through); tie each pillowcase to a broom...
That's Not How You Shave a Bear
God, no, you're doing it all wrong. Give me the can of shaving cream. Why are you so inept? Just give it to me. Look, if we don't get this done soon, the guy is going to come to feed...
