Geoff Wolinetz
Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.
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Donny Most, Happy Days' Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail
Hey, Ron. How's it going? It's Don. Most. Donny Most from Happy Days. I'm just calling to check in and see how things are going. I had to call Henry Winkler to get your number, because the one that I...
Announcements From the Flight Deck
Hello, everyone. This is Captain Baker from the flight deck. Today, I'm being assisted by First Lt. John Galvin. You're on American Airlines flight 674, non-stop out of John F. Kennedy airport all the way to Los Angeles. Looks like...
The Diary of One of the Baseball Cartoons on the PlayStation PSP Commercial for EA Sports' MLB ’06 After Attending Opening Day at Yankee Stadium
Since the commercial came out, I got a bunch of offers to work some triple-A games in Omaha and Columbus.
I'm Totally into American Idol
I don't know exactly when I got into American Idol, but it happened. What triggered my interest? I can’t say that I know. All I know is that I’ve put aside the ugly hatred and taken a bold step forward....
Excerpts from the Future Tell-All Autobiography of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's Unborn Child
Chapter 3: Sibling Rivalry … These days, few people remember just how cute Maddox was in the mid-00s. His hair shorn on the sides, leaving tufts of a Mohawk sprouting from his round, Cambodian head. His pudgy, Asian cheeks made...
Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I'll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you'll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine . . .
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I'll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you'll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine . . .
Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife
“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding.” The entire courtroom, including Harry, Hermione, and their lawyers, stood as Dumbledore walked through a door and up to the bench where he was to preside...
My Evening With CNN
Me: Hello, CNN. It's nice to see you. We haven't spoken for a while. What's new? CNN: Here are tonight's top stories. The stepfather of the teenager at the center of the Michael Jackson trial testifies. The Vatican will open...
Alumni Update from the Guy Who Sat Behind Me in Homeroom That I Never Talked to and Only Remember Because He Was Really into Candlebox
Although I've "left [it] far behind," Ramapo High School has left an indelible mark on me.
Perhaps There Is Life on This Planet
I have returned, albeit briefly, to my desk job at this Somewhat Less Major Media Company. It is April now, though the weather hardly portrays the month that I have come to know over my years here. The harsh,...
Checkmate
From the book’s inside flap: Meet Bobby. Meet Boris. Bobby Fischer has summoned his old foe, grandmaster and former World Chess champion Boris Spassky to his hotel room in Reykjavík, Iceland, the site of their 1972 match for the World...
UPN or Made Up?
“Kevin Hill” Kevin Hill is a hotshot attorney and a hotshot bachelor, until he inherits a 10-month-old baby girl. As he struggles to adapt his lifestyle in order to take care of Sarah, his law firm starts to cut back...
Interview with the World's Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137
Q: Tell me, what is your biggest regret? A: I should've fucked Myrna Loy when I had the chance....
Tetherball with Grandma
She was a spry old goose, even with the new hip, which the doctor said that she should rest for a little while before she got back to her normal routine. But Grandma didn’t concern herself with the advice of...
Random Thoughts while Watching the I Love the… Series on VH1
It’s 34 years later. Are people really still mad at Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles?
Why I'll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan
Citibank 100 Citibank Drive P.O. Box 769004 San Antonio, TX, 78245-9004 June 29, 2004 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, We have received and processed your application for a home equity loan. At this time, we’re unable to extend a loan to you...
Dear Game Show Network
GSN (Game Show Network) Attn: Consumer Affairs 2150 Colorado Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90404 Dear Game Show Network, Congratulations on your recent name change from the far too verbose Game Show Network to the wonderfully pithy GSN. Hopefully, this altered...
Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children' Hospital in My Town
When Mr. Morgenthau asked me to say a few word at this groundbreaking ceremony, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Is he KID-ding?” [Hold for laughter] After all, I don’t have any children of my own. As...
Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors' Offspring
The Old Man and the Piece of Rye Toast by Barney Hemingway Santiago Jr. leads the simple life of a Florida retiree: He spends his days searching for the perfect piece of toast. Among the breakfast establishments of south Florida,...
Why I'll Never Be Published in The New Yorker
Dear Mr. Wolinetz,
Thank you for your recent submission to The New Yorker. We receive a tremendous amount of submissions, as you know, and we do appreciate your patience. However, at this time, I am afraid we are unable to accept your fiction submission entitled “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: A Mystery.” ...
Thank you for your recent submission to The New Yorker. We receive a tremendous amount of submissions, as you know, and we do appreciate your patience. However, at this time, I am afraid we are unable to accept your fiction submission entitled “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: A Mystery.” ...
Dear Food Network
Food Network 1180 Sixth Avenue New York, NY 10036 Attn: Consumer Relations Department February 12, 2004 Dear Food Network, On February 8, 2004, after watching Bobby Flay and portly gentleman strap the feedbag onto a rather hungry group of fireman...
Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff's Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure
Friday, January 30 3:56 p.m. I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to board. Sitting across from me is a man reading a book entitled The Lighter Side of Rectal Surgery. I’m unable to determine whether this is...
A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack's Pillow
I am a gorgeous blonde with a mean conservative streak and you are a soft leftie with thinning hair who enjoys his naked body more than any man should.
Why I'll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association
1 Elk StreetAlbany, N.Y. 12207 November 10, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, Thank you for your application for admission to the New York State Bar Association. As you can imagine, we've had a lot of applications to review this year. I'd...
Wonka'ed
The children were mesmerized. They’d never seen so much candy before and could hardly believe such a magical place existed! Veruca ran off to taste the creamy spots on the toadstools and Violet shook gumballs loose from the gumball tree....
Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life
“Do you have my money, Piglet?” “I’m sorry, Pooh. I can get it by next week. I promise. Just give me a few days.” “You said that last week, Piglet.” “I know, Pooh. I mean it this time.” “Oh, bother....
A Slice of Heaven
We all know that God is all-powerful, all-mighty, all-knowing and all-seeing. But there are a few things that we don’t know about God. Take this trip to Heaven with me and meet the man behind the Bible. Though God technically...
Admissions Essays of Harvard Applicants Wholly Unqualified to Attend
At the end of my four years, I think it's very important that I be known campus-wide for my falafel-cooking ability.
Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play
VERONICA, 34, a slightly chubby, not too bright midget with a club foot. Veronica works days at the local health club, handing out towels to the people who enter the gym's pool area. She also enforces the "no running" rule...
Dear Honorary Mayor of Hollywood
30 July 2003 Office of the Honorable Johnny Grant 9800 Sunset Drive Hollywood, CA 90028 To the Honorable Honorary Mayor Grant, I write you this letter in desperation. I have tried to appeal to anyone who will listen but no...
Why I'll Never Be Featured at the Cannes Film Festival
Cannes Film Festival Nomination Committee1000 Charles De Gaulle WayCannes, France 13 May, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Cannes Film Festival Nomination Committee, I would like to thank you for your recent submission for the 2004 Cannes...
Inside the Actor's Studio
My acting credentials are well known. If you need convincing, please go to the library and pick up the nearest copy of Pickle This! In addition to being one of the finer works to be produced about traveling theater...
Reminiscing
Do you remember, my love? To me, it's as if it were only yesterday. Our youth. We were young then, nary a care in the world. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on you. Do you remember,...
Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass!
You think you’re so great. “Look at me. I’m Shakespeare. Millions of high-school students read my plays and poems. I’m so cool. Every pretentious jerk with an accent yearns to play the characters in my works. I had sex with...
Lady, What's With All The Cats?
Honestly, this place smells like Ed Begley Jr.'s place up in Zuma Beach after a visit from the Orkin Man. I’m having trouble breathing. Do have an oxygen mask? Or maybe a lead pipe so I can bludgeon the sense...
Why This Broken Finger Sucks/Doesn't Suck
Why This Broken Finger Sucks Autoerotic acts now 50% more difficult. While appropriately hand-signaling a left-hand turn, a biker thought I was flipping him the bird, and subsequently broke the other four fingers. My mittens don't fit. I really...
My Cult Is Having Serious Problems
The decision to start a cult cannot be taken lightly. There are some important facts that you need to come to terms with. At the top of the list is realizing that you will never be as famous as L....
Life as a Houseboat
Do you see what I'm talking about? Our life together. That's what I'm talking about. Look at it. Marinate on it. Fantasize about who we are and what we do together. Look at how deeply our love burns for each...
Results
Recently, and in accordance with the court's ruling, I was subjected to a rigorous psychological examination. The examination, conducted by the Bellevue Hospital facility, was a three-day procedure set to evaluate my mental competencies in several areas. Dr. Alexander...
I Can't Wait for My Midlife Crisis!
Oh, I know. I’ve got a long way to go. I’ve only been working at this company for five years. I’m already starting to make plans though. This guy upstairs just turned 40 and he’s about to dive headlong into...
More Soup, Please
Martha, this soup is exquisite. You simply must give me the recipe. I will not take no for an answer now, so don't try to wiggle out of it. I must make this for my husband Harold. You know how...
Generic 60s Beach Sitcom
FADE IN: EXT. THE BEACH - DAY It's 1965. The beach is littered with surfboards. The girls wear bikinis that do not expose their navels. The boys wear long surfing shorts. LIZZIE (16, cute, little high-school student) sits on the...
Dear Sally Field's Agent
Sally Field c/o Creative Artists Agency 9830 Wilshire Blvd. Beverly Hills, CA 90212-1825 April 7, 2003 Dear Ms. Field, Let me begin by saying that I am a tremendous fan of your work. My friends always thought it odd that...
Do Not Spindle or Mutilate
Forceps. I said, "Forceps." Can’t you for once just be a good nurse and give me something when I ask for it? You’ve seen "ER," right? You know how all of those pretend doctors get everything they need right away?...
That's Not How You Shave a Bear
God, no, you're doing it all wrong. Give me the can of shaving cream. Why are you so inept? Just give it to me. Look, if we don't get this done soon, the guy is going to come to feed...
Nunnery vs. Cathouse
NUNNERY vs. CATHOUSE VIII: LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW The Place: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas The Date: Saturday, March 29, 2003 The Time: 10:00 p.m. Featured Matches: Sister Elizabeth “Lizzie Borden” McGuirevs.Candy “Striper” Lewis Sister Lizzie Borden is no stranger to the...
A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry
The coming week will be a difficult one. For next week, I was to have celebrated, along with millions of others, the birthday of a dear friend who passed away some weeks ago. I am to spend the weekend...
I'm Sorry, What?
I’m sorry, what was that you said? I couldn’t quite hear you. I’ve got a leprechaun in my ear. A leprechaun. Yeah, I don’t know. He’s in there though, and he loves to talk. Something about stealing his pot of...
Dear Secretary of Transportation
I'd go so far as to say that you are the best Secretary of Transportation since Samuel K. Skinner.
Koufax! The Musical
The Jewish ballplayer's saga set to music.
Dear Dairy Barn
Dairy Barn Merrick Store 2081 Merrick Road Merrick, N.Y., 11566 Dear Dairy Barn, O.K., I love your stores. Every morning, on my way to work on Freeport's famous “Nautical Mile,” I stop just off the road and enter the Freeport...
Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize
Nobel Prize Nomination Committee 1220 Alfred Nobel Way Oslo, Norway January 31, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Nobel Committee, I would like to thank your for the submission of your application for consideration for the 2002 Nobel...
A Star Is Born
The sun shines brightly on this crisp winter morning. It is cold, but not arctic, and I can walk without the gloves that were a gift to me from former Screen Actors Guild president Richard Masur. I mean no offense...
Dear Sierra Mist
Sierra Mist PepsiCo, Inc. 700 Anderson Hill Road Purchase, NY 10577 Dear Sierra Mist, I must admit that at first I was suspicious. My love of lemon-lime ("limon") sodas is no secret in the international community. When I was notified...
Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
The Earth shook furiously and the screams of mankind could be heard throughout they were devoured by the once firm grounds. Thunder and lightning rolled through the heavens, which opened and let go enough water to fill the oceans once...
From the Producers of 24
Twenty-four hours in the life of an ordinary man ...
Dear Lesotho
7 February 2003 Ministry of Communications P.O. Box 36 Maseru -Lesotho Africa Dear Lesotho, I don’t know the right way to say this to you. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long, it’s tough to say them out loud....
Appeal to the U.S. Government
J.E. Carter Jr. c/o White House 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW Washington, D.C., 20500 February 6, 1977 Dear Mr. President, First, let me congratulate you on your ascension to the presidency of the United States. As you know from my...
You Like Me, You Really Like
The public thirsts for knowledge of me. With all that I provide for them of my exploits, it is still not enough. They demand more. My life has been analyzed several hundred times. Different angles, slants and points of...
It Will Always Be Burma to Me
In the deep days of my puissant youth, I was an accomplished stage actor. As I have detailed in Pickle This!, my presence on the stage is not only commanding, it is also at times commanded. I was four when...
You Cannot Love All the People All the Time
Those of you that know and follow my work, follow me, or just know of the depth of my talent in all arenas of my life know that I am full of love for all creatures. My Mammalia Mayhem...
Letter of Resignation
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep / But I've got promises to keep / And miles to go before I sleep / And miles to go before I sleep." -- Robert Frost It is not easy bidding adieu to...
Only Time
Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and soon I have lost all track of time. It has been quite some time since I have regaled you with tales of my life, accomplished as it is. In the time of...
Out of My Cold, Dead Hands
The hot breeze whips through the tall buildings of the city that never sleeps. I weave in and out of the worker bees on their way to their dull jobs to complement their dull lives and am quickly reminded...
Dust in the Wind
The ethereal words from a rock group known only as Kansas. Other than rocking the strings off of their guitars with their seminal hit, "Carry On Wayward Son," Kansas addresses the ephemeral nature of our existence in their classic, "Dust...
Begin the Begin
My life story is a long and lustrous one to tell, much like Hunter Tylo's hair on that Pantene commercial. The intricate details of my youth are not often paid attention to, and while obviously exceptional, lack the certain je...
Correspondence
In the late 1970s, I enjoyed a brief rise to fame as photographer of the stars. With my reputation as an immortal wordsmith already cemented, I sought to expand my talent and scope as an internationally appreciated personality. Naturally, photography...
And the Beat Goes On
Ah, yes. Those all too prophetic words off the pen of the late Sonny Bono and out of the mouth of his lovely (albeit now scary) ex-wife Cherilyn LaPierre (a.k.a. Cher). I say the beat goes on because, despite all...
Today I Play Hooky
A curse on you, Major Media Company. Today I take advantage of my "sick" days. Today I stay home, despite having no major malady to concern myself with. My right knee, no longer throbbing and swollen, bends at my command....
Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls . . .
"For whom the bell tolls? Why, dear sir, it tolls for thee." This is what I am told as I disembark from my small twin-propeller plane in Agua Del Piedro, Spain. It is here that I have arrived for...
The Real World Awaits
Of course, I speak not of the transcendent reality series started by MTV some 11 years ago, which I spoke feverishly and fervently for at a benefit for the Museum of Television and Radio. (R.I.P., Pedro, mourn you ’til...
Critics, Shmritics
I think The Chicago Chronicle once called me, "extraneous and not quite sane." I recall that The Washington Post called my writing, "jubilant and puissant." I read that The Los Angeles Times mentioned, "Wolinetz has the extraordinary gift of...
Cheese, Glorious Cheese
As I've stated many times over, I am a man of extreme empathy. As I have no serious personal problems other than my numerous run-ins with the law and my on again, off again bouts with venereal disease, it is...
Those Were the Salad Days, although These Are Good, Too
I woke up this morning, in my spacious three-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, groggy from a night of alcohol-soaked sleep. I was reminded of my younger days, those days that I spent in an Off Off Broadway...
Monday Morning Lament
Once again, another Monday morning besieges my semi-consciousness, like the semi-colon besieges the work of an inexperienced journalist. My hazy, polluted head seeks to reclaim its legendary lucidity from a weekend of malaise. I gaze at the bookshelf, off...
Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza
It is a difficult task to upset me so deeply that I become enraged. In fact, many people approach me daily to about my open-mindedness and acceptance of those who are clearly inferior to me. They are correct. I am...
Untitled Again
The bright sun penetrates the hazy New York day. The look and feel of the summer sky remind me all too vividly of my grandmother's cataracts and I shudder, despite the heat. The mercury reads 98. Well, not so much...
Untitled
I sit, once again behind my desk at a major media company, my face tender and red from the penetrating ultraviolet rays of that star which functions as our giver of life, and I am morose. No, not morose. I...
Untitled Post
As I sit here once again behind my desk at a major media company, my injured right knee emits a dull throb as it has for the last 8 days. I pray for relief and it comes in the...
I Am Going to Die Alone
A Spiritual Essay "Call you me fair? That fair again unsay." (A Midsummer Night's Dream Act I, Scene 1) I am going to die alone. Most active, virile, puissant men of roughly my age and build seem to be pairing...
The Succulent Cantaloupe
People ask me all the time, "Geoff, as a smart, sophisticated, funny, deliciously handsome, well-read, well-spoken man, why would you choose fruit salad? Why not something more complicated, something that more represents the true nature of your being?" I...
And on that Note, Let's Cue the Music . . .
As I sit here behind my desk at a major media company, my right leg laying prostrate in an immobilizing brace due to a knee injury incurred a week prior, I can not help but laugh. Are there not more...
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