Your Subscription to Netflix Has Been Canceled
Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards has been electronically deleted, your electricity will be shut off in three days, all your jokes will fall flat, and you will forget how to whistle.
Sheen Machine: Every Single Episode of Two and a Half Men
Since the CBS sitcom is on hiatus in wake of Mr. Sheen's galactic shitshow,
Y.P.R. hereby republishes all 177 episodes of ribald mediocrity, handily condensed into one easy page.
Money-Saving Holiday Shopping Tips from the Wizard of Oz
I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Those who come before me cannot help but to cower and quail at my flaming visage. But I still have limits on my credit cards, and during these recessionary times, even mighty despots with enormous Heads have to count their pennies.
Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Advent
Days 1 – 10: DENIAL December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work--are there clubs? I definitely need to put up...
Ben Bernanke's Gotta Feeling
Enter the Black-Eyed Peas! You know the gang: Fergie, will.i.am, that curious hypeman of indeterminate Afro/Asian stock, and there's also one other guy. With their mega-hit "I Gotta Feeling," the Peas hit the nail on the proverbial head with respect to what needs to happen in this country economically.
"Ripped from the Headlines...": Law & Order Signs Off
"A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf, Creator of TV's
Law & Order" and "Letter to Chris Noth: 'Mr. Big,' 'Detective Logan,' and Owner of N.Y.C.'s Cutting Room"
Things I've Said into Mirrors Recently
You are interesting. You have a great singing voice. You are talking into a puddle of urine in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday's.
Quintus Masters, Apprehensive 19th-Century Whaler, Talks to Teenagers
What calamitous folly! Surely the scant rations of fresh water, biscuits, and turtle meat stowed on board are insufficient for sustaining the crew on such a long and treacherous endeavor.
Giant Radioactive Ant ... in Love (Excerpt)
With the success of Stephenie Meyer's vampire abstinence parable novels, the
Twilight series, publishers are scrambling to move forward with their own monsters-in-love novels.
The Search-Engine-Optimized Marriage Proposal
Things changed when you came into my life. You were my free credit report, and you showed me I had potential. Our love is like Justin Bieber.
Demotivational Speaker Murph Murphy Addresses the Cast of the Henry David Thoreau Middle School Production of West Side Story
On Tuesday night, you will be faced with the formidable task of taking a beloved Leonard Bernstein classic and reïmagining it through your pre-teen eyes without reinforcing overtly racist Puerto Rican stereotypes.
Autobiography of a Douchebag: Epilogue, First Submission to the Editor
I've been to hell and back. Sometimes hell doesn't look like hell. Sometimes it looks like $5,000 bottles of Champagne and deep-fried foie gras from geese that were force-fed veal. Sometimes hell is fucking delicious.
More Thirty-Second Mysteries with Jaguar Jones!
Jaguar Jones, detective-for-hire extraordinaire, stopped in his tracks at the shrill sound of a woman screaming in distress. Local buxom young vixen, Brittany McBongos, burst through her front door wearing only a towel and ran straight into Jaguar's arms.
When Are You Going to Publish My Motherfucking Children's Book?
I sent you guys a manuscript almost two fucking weeks ago and haven't heard dick yet. What gives?
The Future of Public Access Television Depends on You
Whatever your TV tastes, we depend on you for support, because the N.E.A. won't even return our calls.
Batman's Financial Missteps
Most of his money was tied up in real estate, blind trusts and his collection of pewter baby dishes, so to pay for the Batcave's modernization, Batman took out a sizable loan from his Hall of Justice 401(k).
My Second Day as a Somali Pirate
You worry about me handling a gun, but if I was entrusted to help run a multibillion-dollar hedge fund at Lehman Brothers, I can use this thing.
Lesser-Known Stats from the 2009 Major League Baseball Season Courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau
Since the club began tracking the statistic in 1996, Justin Russo, age 11 months, 23 days, became the fourth youngest Red Sox fan in Fenway Park history to utter a clearly audible "Jeter Sucks" at the Sox-Yankees game on August 21st.
Dionysus, Applebee's Server
Our Red Apple Sangria will gush forth from these very walls over our shivering bodies.
Greenberg 2: Greenberg Down Under
Greenberg is back and anti-social as ever!
Novels Submitted for Consideration at a Literary Agency
I have no previous writing credits, but my caseworker and my parole officer both read
Last Breath and loved it. Please send your offer of representation and the advance from the publisher within seven days. I need the money to get my car out of impound.
Selections from Henry David Thoreau's Lost Walden Chapter: "The Last Month of Winter"
Why didn't I bring anything with at least a little bit of color in it? My red bowtie? My nice set of blue drinking glasses?
"Puppies for Sale" Fliers That Really Work
For sale: puppy. You can't tell by this photo, but this puppy looks EXACTLY like Denzel Washington.
Rejected Pitchfork Reviews
David Mamet on Death Cab for Cutie's
Transatlanticism; Shel Silverstein on Kanye West; Ernest Hemingway on Radiohead's
Kid A; and more.
Pitchfork Reviews Albums That Don't Exist
Straight up: this album would be one of the more impressive debuts of 2010 if it was or ever had been created by a band that was at some point formed.
If Pitchfork.com Reviewed A Pitchfork
If you're looking for faults, start with the handle. Sparks literally fly with such immediacy at the mere touch of the fiberglass handle that one wonders if Radius Garden thinks Coulomb's Law is nothing more than a prime-time network procedural drama.
Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft
I'm Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.
The Toyota Tirades
Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn't forget the voice-activated navigation system.
Now That You've Found My "Creepy" Twilight Shrine: A Few Points for Rebuttal
While I feel it was inappropriate of me to have Photoshopped Robert Pattinson over your face in the pictures on my desk, I was hurt that you failed to notice the quality and detail of the vector mask that I employed.
The Olympian
I laughed when I realized that I was kind of drunk, because wouldn't I choose the night before my big day to challenge a motorcycle gang to a drinking contest.
Kanye the Cognoscente
I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish.
Exclusive Excerpt from James Cameron's Avatari
The director's prequel will tell the film's early videogame-era back stories
Erratic Services
Seeking MILF interested in mutual funds - m4w - 21 (Atlanta)
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Book Club: Catcher In the Rye
"This book was O.K. and everything but I'm kind of pissed off about something I read on the second page."
Tonight's Tasting Menu
The flavor of the biscuit, infused with fennel and East European herbs, will be striking, perhaps even shocking, and may remind you of a moment of betrayal in your life. Additionally, it will cleanse your mouth.
Dancing with the Lone Star
The opening notes of Strauss fill the auditorium. Famed professional dancer Cheryl Burke makes a spectacular entrance in a Marie Antoinette ball gown, flipping her ruffles to reveal provocative pantaloons. From across the stage former Majority Leader Tom DeLay emerges from the bowels of a V-2 rocket.
The Status (Up)Date
Tyler Stoddard Smith & Greg Boose
Love in the age of social networking.
Dunne Done.
Upon returning to New York City, I attended a benefit for the Bichon Frisé Society, at the Puck Building, hosted this year by my good friend Liza Minnelli, (who looks better each time I see her); and a good friend of my son Griffin's, Gwenyth Paltrow, the daughter of my good, old friend Blythe Danner. Many of New York's
grande dames were in attendance, as well as a number of up-and-coming young actors, a few regulars from Page Six, and that rascal David Patrick Columbia. It is an event of star-studded revelry and finger food (catered by Mario Batali).
Yo, Joe!
This year, in support of all our troops overseas, we're going with the most patriotic theme we could think of. That's right: "
G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero"!!!!!!!!
Puritan Gravestones!!!
Judge Byron Edwards (aged 54 yrs of the age). Who Rid our towne of witches, recognizing Them by their dancing & some-times sleeping in past 4 thirty of the a.m.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Do you know how I know that you defriended me? Because my other TWENTY-FIVE friends would never do that to me and also I'm not getting your status updates, which I'm sure are fraught with anguish over our breakup--something I'd be happy to help you heal and deal with. I'll bet our make-up sex would be great, too.
Michael Winslow Pens His Memoirs
To most of my fans, I was simply "the guy in
Police Academy who made all the sound effects with his mouth." But there's much more to my career than that. For instance, I was also the guy in
Spaceballs who made all the sound effects with his mouth.
Cormac McCarthy's Mr. Belvedere
See Wesley. He has been touched by a camp counselor. This is a very special episode. His father is a sportswriter but in truth he has hired an Englishman to work this labor.
Rachael Ray Cooks Ghetto Gourmet
Here's a tip, kids: Look for meat with a bright orange "manager's special" sticker. It's 14 hours away from being spoiled, but it's half price.
The President of Banana Republic Addresses the Marketing Employee Who Mistakenly Sent Out a $15 Gift Card
You know what you did when you decided to send out a free fifteen bucks to her? You positively reinforced that cheap-ass behavior. By sending that card to her, you said that Banana Republic is O.K. with getting walked all over by customers like Vicky Fucking Sweeney.
Make-Another-Wish
Making dreams come true in a recession.
Downturn Trends in Decorative Throw Pillows
Cleats: Perfect for the spacious rec room that seemed like such a good idea before the housing crisis.
My Business Plan
My alternate business plan is to win the Nobel Prize. In something. What's easiest? Probably not chemistry.
Bring Your Unemployed Parent to School Day
If any of you were in Mrs. Franklin's class last year, you'll remember that Mr. Peters came in to talk about his job as a real estate agent. But Mr. Peters is now what we call "in between jobs", and he's here to tell us how he spends his day!
Foreign Affairs Gets in on the Gossip Scene
FRANCIS FUKUYAMA was seen at Charlie Palmer Steak discussing waterboarding over what looked to be a medium-rare rib eye.
The Private Life of Obama's Speechwriter
The secret life of Jon Favreau, the President's wordsmith wunderkind.
Sarah Palin Advances in Another Direction
I promised almost three years ago years ago that there would be no more politics-as-usual and no invasions of trans-dimensional demons. Not on my watch, Buster.
There Will Be Bats: P. T. Anderson Writes the Dark Knight Sequel
The long-awaited "I drink your milkshake" / "Why so serious?" mashup.
Treatment for Plow Man: The Genesis
Prequel to 1976 film
The Plow Man. This film will shed light on the origins of Plow Man and explore the events that took place before the Snow Day Massacre depicted in the original
Plow Man movie.
Greeting Cards for the Music Critic in Your Life
"For Your Birthday, I Thought I'd Get You This Hot Babe" (front, with picture of gorgeous woman in bikini)
Everything That Enters and Exits Angelina Jolie: A Daily Ledger
Beautiful mega-star and child-rearing extraordinaire Angelina Jolie ingests one veggie sandwich late this morning, an unnamed personal assistant reports.
Captain Ahab's Long-Lost Twitter Log
dreamt the beast again. I, in the water. From the inky deep he came, his open maw the very gate of Hell. Woke to kippers for breakfast. Yum.
Billy Mays Tries to Sell You Some Weed
But wait! There's more! Say goodbye to disappointing highs, and let marijuana open your eyes! IT'S FAST! IT'S EASY! It's a one-stop-shop for all your avoidant and escapist tendencies!
The Wartime Adventures of Benedetto "Little" Parisi
It was 1943, and the tide was finally starting to turn. A small American vessel glided stealthily through the waters off the coast of the small Italian town of Passo Oscuro, seeking out a remote spot to make landfall ...
Whatever Works
Woody's Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
Asshole High School Reporter Kristie MacDougal Buries the Lead
Extra! Extra! Becky Thelen Lands Lead Role in Competition Production of
Grease! Read All About It!
John Irving Clarifies the DTV Transition
Before killing himself, the talking bear mauls Tom Wolfe to death leaving the ersatz novelist's white suit bloodied and tattered.
Dan Brown's Angel Code and Daemons
Using real science and history, Dan Brown's latest page-turning thriller will make you learn while you read!
The Afghanistan Government's Economic Stimulus Plan
Extra funds will be invested in environmentally friendly "sand-colored" jobs as well as toward a ruler to help draw an energy grid.
How I Unwind
Today is gone but soon tomorrow will come and turn into today. Then today, formerly know as tomorrow, will become yesterday. Which reminds me of a song by Paul McCartney titled "Monkberry Moon Delight" from the album
Ram.
Wallace Stevens v. My Grandfather
My grandfather's correspondence contesting an erroneous charge with Wallace Stevens, Vice President of the Hartford Insurance Company and influential Modernist poet (winner of the National Book Award for Poetry in 1951 and 1955).
The Internal Monologue of Someone Looking for Waldo
Nothing like Waldo, Cave man, Sort of Waldo, Nothing like Waldo, Mass amount of people wearing red and blue ...
Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store!
Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.-rejected Chinese brand prices!
Your Subscription to Netflix Has Been Canceled
Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards has been electronically deleted, your electricity will be shut off in three days, all your jokes will fall flat, and you will forget how to whistle.
Diablo Cody Tells a Joke
First of all, I am so not worthy of this. I mean, now that I'm all problemed-out Hollywood-style, it's queer (not gay) for me to hang out and just talk or whatevs. Wait--hold on--I'm going to Tweety-Tweet like Sylvester is raging!
Unintended Consequences of Six Oft-Forgotten Tariffs
The Tariff of 1828 (a.k.a. "the Tariff of Abominations")
A Rant on the Blizzard
Brrr, how 'bout that snow out there, eh, babe? That's a lot of fuckin' snow, Cochise.
Curious Factoids Revealed by Presidential Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin Following An All-Night Presidents' Day Pub Crawl
To soothe his jangled nerves before an important speech, Andrew Jackson would often toss a small Seminole child into the Potomac.
Job Opening for a Villainous Time-Traveling Sidekick
Applicant must be punctual, detail-oriented, and have a decent grasp of the diabolical.
Clinical Internet Porn Site Review
Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.
The Many Permutations of Public-Radio Pledge Drives
What's the matter? You don't have time for WBCD anymore? I see the way you go traipsing around with that easy-listening station.
Anne Frank: Observational Comic
Have you noticed how, recently, it's like everyone hates Jews? What's
that about?
So Long, Mr. President: Bush Feet Under
The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration
The Coach of the Washington Generals Addresses His Team Before a Game
We simply don't get enough timeouts to take one every time they stick a ball up the back of one of our jerseys.
Conversations with the Brave Voice in My Head
Hey, man, this guy is totally disrespecting your girlfriend. You should say something.
Today Is My Last Day
As many of you know, today is my last day as a paralegal at the firm. I have learned so much from all of you over the past ten years. It is very unlikely that the homicide of which I was convicted was committed by me.
Tom Cruise Brought to You By ...
I love talking about my movies. Love it! However, I'm also here today to talk about the major corporate sponsor of my movie, Spam.
Playoff Scenarios
If the Eagles beat the Cowboys and the Buccaneers lose to the Raiders and the Bears lose to the Texans, or the Vikings lose to the Giants, then Philadelphia is in.
Big-Name Writer's Writing Seminar
I've called you all here today to because I miss Bradley Whitford and I need some hacks to write scripts for a new politically oriented sitcom where all the pretty actors endlessly bicker with each other and make inane social commentary on world affairs.
