Eric Feezell

Signs Your Financial Market May Be Suffering from a Gastrointestinal Disorder Increased frequency of plunges.

Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future … It’s either that, or you’re living unemployment check to unemployment check in a modest three-bedroom condo, downgrading to the store-brand Oreo knock-offs, hardly going out to dinner at all except on weekends, birthdays, and holidays.

I Don’t Understand Why My Amateur Party-Motivating Service Is Losing Business Sing it with me, people! Ain’t no party like a one-where-I-release-live-bees partaaay! Heyyy! Hoooo!!

I’ve Decided to Start Acting More French Exactly what this will entail is difficult to determine, particularly because I have never been to France.

Alan Roney: Tourette Syndrome–Afflicted Jurassic Park Tour Guide Here, up on the right, we have four Velociraptors tearing unforgivingly at the flesh of a saber-toothed tiger chainsaw enema fuckballs!

Hoyle's Modernized Rules for War Widely recognized for its exciting, high-stakes battles, War is played avidly worldwide, though some criticize it for ultimately being drawn out and tiresome.

A Very Tall Patriot Has Something to Tell You Let me just start by saying that in no way, shape, or form do I believe, even for a nanosecond, that the Bush administration has lied to or misled the American public regarding any aspects whatsoever about the war in Iraq, and that I am 407 feet and two inches tall.

Current Choix de Menu from the Café de Dictateur Ho Chi Minestrone & Steamed Musselinis (en sauce à vin blanc)

Before They Worked for Fanta

Beavis and Butt-Head Do Beckett ESTRAGON, sitting on a low mound, is trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, twitching and cursing. Enter VLADIMIR.

Zach de la Rocha Performs the Preschool Poetry Slam Circuit Three Blind Mice Check-a check-a check it out, yo: Three blind mice, ugh! Three blind mice, ugh! See how they run like downtrodden peasants from the bourgeois armies glorified by eons of lies and a Eurocentric history perpetuated without morals,...

Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion Poland -- Fluid Ounces to Milliliters In order to convert fluid ounces to milliliters in Poland--and most of Eastern Europe--the converter must acknowledge the existence of one and only one true form of gauging weights and measures, the Metric System,...

North Korea Furthers Its Demands Swine of the West, and East, and South, and North: On behalf of the Dear Leader, Comrade, Commander-in-chief of the Great North, Kim Jong-Il, I write to inform you that North Korea has finalized its list of demands, the fulfillments...

Sometimes, at Work, I Feel Like Maybe I’m Being Singled Out ... To: All employees From: Policy Committee; Human Resources Re: Personal Appearance Policy cc: Eric This memorandum is in response to recent radical departures concerning dress code, personal hygiene, and personal appearance policies. As all of you know, young man, we...

Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga

Favorable Outcomes Generated by Talking About the Weather Stan: Hi, Margaret. Margaret: Hey, Stan, how ya doin’? Stan: Oh, O.K. So did you hear on the news? It’s going to hail today. Margaret: Oh. No, I didn’t. It does feel a little cold, now that you mention it....

Welcome to the Machine Well, hello there! You must be our new tenant! Welcome to the Vending Machine! I’m Brown & Haley Almond Roca from E4, and I head up the Community Board. It says here that you are ... Oy, where is it?...

Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! It’s Al’s Bait Shop’s twelfth annual LIQUIDATION EXTRAVAGANZA IMPOSSIBLE!

Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, but From The Brady Bunch Jantagonist ...

Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? -- A Survival Guide You rise with a startled jerk from your supine position, shivering, body caked in a gelatinous sweat that could only be the product of near-100-percent humidity. An alligator bites your foot from your leg as a steady downpour and fierce...

From the Diary of Out of This World’s Evie Garland God, I am SO in love with Brad Schwartz! I know I totally shouldn’t have, but Brad’s got P.E. third period, and, well, oops! My pointer fingers found their way together and I just happened to take a “wrong turn” into the guys’ locker room. His dong is huge! Sigh.

Excerpts from T.S. Eliot’s First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a ham sandwich etherized upon a table.
* * *
In the room women come and go
Talking of Michael and Jell-O . . .* * *

Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.? Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder--commonly called A.D.H.D.--affects an ever-growing amount of today’s children and can be severely debilitating. If you are concerned that your child may have A.D.H.D., the following survey, adapted from the Vanderbilt Assessment Scale and brought to you...

In Response to My Little Sister’s Plea for Assistance on Her History Report--Topic: "The Middle Ages" It is estimated that anywhere from one-third to one-half of Europe's population succumbed to the infamous fourteenth-century Black Plague epidemic. While a massive fatality rate is concordant with most historical accounts, the inflated death toll fails to consider the Great...