What's Goin' Down in the Boogie
It seems that every time I tell someone I live in the Bronx, they crinkle their brow and make sad puppy dog noises. Let me just grab my little Marcus Dairy milk crate over here and prop myself up, O.K.,...
Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs
As a child, Memorial Day never held much meaning for me. I simply remembered it as a day when my father would wake at the crack of dawn and head down to the garage to dig through the mounds of...
Truce with Hip-Hop
Let's call a truce. Seriously. I'll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt...
Nick v. The Donald
First off, I've been wanting to be an Apprentice for so long, I can feel my cheeks between my teeth. Where I come from, that means I'm jonesing to be an Apprentice, bad. I've always considered Donald Trump a not-so-close...
[Nick Owes Geoff $5]
I for one am a huge admirer of Sir Geoff Wolinetz and his masterful thoughts on the physical world. The manner in which he communicates his anguish is sweetness of the highest order. Geoff, please allow me to share a...
Dear Hip-Hop
Dear Hip-Hop, I used to love you but now I hate you. It's not just the rise to fame of 50 Cent either. His name just sounds stupid, 50 Cent, not 50 cents. But I know how peculiar he is...
Purple Pants
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, I have to warn you. With bed-head aloft, I dug through my pile of clean, unfolded laundry to find a pair of pants. Now I know I don't...
Springtime in the Ghetto
As the days warm and genitalia hangs lower My allergies act up as the pollen-riddled days go slower. I feel accomplished looking in my tissue after acting the nose-blower. Can you hear the bells of the ice cream truck? I...
XL
Essentially, I get paid to play with digital blocks and build castles out of numbers, sorted and formatted and lumped into columns. I’m a wizard of digital carpentry. People, who I vaguely like, hand me numbers in the morning and...
Hasselhoff: A Retrospective
As David Hasslehoff and his wife, Pamela Bach, recover from their injuries incurred when, according to police reports, a strong gust of wind blew them off their motorcycle on February 25th, 2003, I would like to share my fondest Hasselhoff...
E-mail to G-d
From: Nick Jezarian [mailto:nick@yankeepotroast.org] To: god@ Cc: peter@, paul@, jesus@, mary@ Subject: Some questions Date: Monday, March 03, 2003 1:01:19 PM Dear G-d, Before I get fully immersed in the purpose of this letter, I'd like to start by saying...
