Brian Beatty

Five Poems by a Cranky Old Man The cranky old author of these poems lives with his middle-aged son’s family in Toledo, Ohio. It was his daughter-in-law who suggested that he take up some kind of hobby like poetry.

Unpopular Dear Popular Mechanics, I've enjoyed the reader letters in your magazine since first sneaking a peek at your pages as a boy, but I never thought that one day I would be writing in with an unbelievable story of my own.

My Problems with Story Problems 1.) Incomplete narrative arcs.
2.) One-dimensional characterizations.
3.) Who still travels by train?

Thank You for Contributing During My Podcast Pledge Drive Your PayPal donation will help me cover the costs of the video equipment I need to transform YouTube into MeTube.

Unacceptable Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Ann Coulter. In particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about her vagina. What happened to it, why it had to happen and who happened to think it would be a hilarious prank to...

Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems HEY POETRY! You don’t have to rhyme all the time, motherfucker. HEY BOOB JOB! You're the most impressive job those women will ever have. HEY CUBAN CIGARS! You smell like turds and bad breath from Cuba. HEY MY BEARD! Have...

Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems

Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous

There should be
help for people
who drink to forget

their names.

All About Me: 12 Poems   Caveman Someday I want to go spelunking again with 400,000 albino epileptics with tails. I haven't done it since I was a sperm. *     *     * Yamahaha I'm thinking about replacing my vital organs with a synthesizer....

Ten Tiny Poems   The Opposable Thumb I don't care what it says-- hitchhiking is dangerous. *     *     * Two against One Fighting a pregnant woman was my first mistake. *     *     * Superstition My lucky number is four....