13 Things You Can Do with That
1. Belt it; cinch it. 2. Give it to your in-laws under the guise of a peace offering and then cram it down their cheapskate throats. 3. Take it for a romantic walk in the park. Enjoy a picnic on...
Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet
“Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg, arg. I hereby call to order the 508th meeting of Viking Local 242. Scribe, if you would please read the minutes of meeting 507?” “Arg. All present; looting up 12%, plundering even, pillaging down 46%—” “Let’s...
Bowling
Welcome to Introduction to Bowling, my friends. How exciting! I’m sure you’re all bowled over with anticipation, ha, ha, ha. That’s a little Bowling joke. Anyway, you’re about to embark on an exciting, spiritual journey into the sport of kings....
Chimps
Loraine? “Yes, Burt?” Are you sleeping? “No.” *Sigh.* “Is something wrong, honey?” No. Yes... Loraine, how come you don’t pick nits off my back anymore? “Burt--” Are you having an affair? “. . .” You are. I knew it. You...
The Nine Lives of Chester the Cat
August, 1992. Marci and I bring home a kitten we’ve adopted from the shelter. We cannot agree on a name; Marci likes “Mr. Sniffles,” I want “Conan the Catbarian.” Distracted during the heat of discourse, I accidentally sit on...
Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever
Host: Welcome back, folks! During our commercial break, our judges’ panel voted to award Barry 15 points for his answer, “Denmark.” Turns out that is a country in Europe after all. Who knew? O.K., now’s the time when Barry and...
Sports Origins
Boxing While simple "fighting" has been an entertaining distraction since prehistoric times, modern boxing was invented in London, England, in 1740 by two chaps both named Gregory. GREGORY: What a lovely afternoon. What shall we do to pass the time,...
Justin Timberlake's Acceptance Speech for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers "Songwriter of the Year" Award
Society members, fellow composers, honored guests, and others . . . There are so many people that I need to thank for allowing me to be here tonight to accept this prestigious award. First and foremost, I have to give...
Your First Time
Look, I know this is your first time at this. I understand. It’s not easy. But all I’m asking is for you to try harder. Put some zeal into it. Some oomph. Some gusto, some fervor. Enthusiasm. Passion. Pride. That’s...
. . . And the Horse You Rode in On
Stinky Eddie, for stealing my lunch money, all those wedgies, and that time you dropped a mouse in my bookbag. Becky Schwartz, for telling everyone about my "problem." Lou Gosset, Jr., for being a prick and cheating at poker. Ms....
My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow
On a cold Sunday evening, I had the opportunity to dine with legendary writer Saul Bellow and Italian actress Monica Bellucci in New York City. We were to discuss their upcoming project, D’ora in Poi Dirò Solo la Verità, a...
