Birthday Cards to Celebrities Archives
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Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin!
With the election for Baldwin Brothers president approaching, I have some concerns that I’ll need to work through before casting my ballot.
Happy Birthday, Jane Goodall
Hello Pretty Gorilla Lady!
Happy Birthday, Wayne Newton!
Frankly, Wayne, I don’t know if I want to pay 400 dollars to see a lounge singer who doesn’t sport a creepy, pencil-thin ’stache.
Happy Birthday, Tracy Chapman!
I’ve got a fast car. It goes zoom!
Happy Birthday, Norah Jones!
I’ll tell you why I didn’t come: Your apartment is filthy!
Happy Birthday, Sidney Poitier!
Guess who’s coming to dinner? Me!
With undying love,
Happy Birthday, Penn Jillette!
Dear Penn, How do you do that trick where take away your assistant’s vocal cords? See, I’ve got this assistant at the office--she’s an excellent worker, and quite a peach, but something of a chatterbox. It’s always yap, yap, yap,...
Happy Birthday, Chastity Bono!
Dear Chas, Well, who’s America’s most famous lesbian daughter now? You got served, bitch! Happy birthday! XO, Mary Cheney...
Happy Birthdays, John Irving and Tom Wolfe!
Dear John/Tom, I had a little extra time on my hands last week, so I swung by the bookstore and picked up your latest respective offerings. John, your new book is wonderful. My puppy pit bull, Eudora, likes to relieve...
Happy Birthday, Harry Belafonte!
Dear Mr. Tallyman, You wrote the best banana song ever! I also work on a banana boat, and lemme tell ya, the boys never get tired of singing your awesome banana song. Maybe 30, 40 times a dayo. I’ve been...
Happy Birthday, Ja Rule!
Dear Ja, So I’ve heard you’re from Hollis, Queens. Holla! My grandmoms lives in Hollis, too. Holla! Holla! Do you know her? She’s a sweet old lady. Holla. If you’re in Hollis anytime soon, she lives on Hillside right off...
Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs!
Dear Steve, I love my iPod so much. Probably as much as I do Rick Astley. In fact, I filled my entire 60-gig iPod with Rick Astley originals and covers. It’s all Rick all the time. Rick on the way...
Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis!
Dear Ms. Hingis, Congratulations! We here at the International Society of Foreheads have had our eye on your for quite some time. That is one large and shiny forehead you've got there, Ms. Hingis. Now that you've more or less...
Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan!
Dear Jill, Oh man, when I was a little kid, I used to love watching "The Love Boat." My favorite was during the opening credits when everyone would shill for the camera as their name flashed on the screen. I...
Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones!
Dear Jeffrey Jones, By God, you were wonderful in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The role of bumbling, ill-fated Principal Rooney was just marvelous for you. I can't even conceive of anyone else playing that role now that you've done it....
Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff!
Dear Hilary, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I. Hate. You. Happy 17th...
Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne!
Dear Avril, Happy 20th Birthday! I totally hope you have the best birthday ever and don't die! I hope it's a great day start to finish, and you're not attacked by rabid dogs or infected with any Third World diseases...
Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!
Dear Mr. Brimley, Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud,...
Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry!
I swear I'm trying, but after 15 years of blissfully obeying your Hakuna Matata philosophy, I'm starting to worry again.
Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris!
Dear Doogie Howser, M.D., Happy 31st Birthday! I have all of your episodes on tape. I've edited out all of the commercials and credits, so if you watch now, it's just one long episode. Sometimes I can sit for hours...
Happy Birthday, Joe Montana!
Dear Joe, O.K., here's the deal: You've got the ball. It’s 4th and 4. There's less than a minute left in the game. You're down by a field goal. You haven't been able to move the ball with the run...
Happy Birthday, Gina Gershon!
Dear Gina, You're my favorite actress-turned-rock star, even though you aren't as popular as some other actress-turned-rock stars who won't even read my letters. I mean, I'm not offended or anything that someone became way too busy to read my...
Happy Birthday, Dick Vitale!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Dickie V., Happy Birthday, you glass-eyed wonder. You're scintillating in your old age. I worry though, you're a PTPer but your level of stress might be the death of you. You're crazy with a capital C. And your name...
Happy Birthday, Nancy Sinatra!
Do you know where those boots were made for walking? In Madagascar. By nine-year-olds ...
Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade!
Dear Marquis, Happy 264th Birthday, you swishy pervert! You rock! You're one of the best Marquis ever! Better even than Markie Post! She was so crazy on "Night Court." Christine Sullivan: defense attorney, Anglophile, bitter foil to John Larroquette's Dan...
Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum!
Dear Heidi, I think you are the second most beautiful woman alive! You are right behind Jennifer Connelly and right ahead of Star Jones on the list that I keep thumbtacked to the wall in my basement workroom. I keep...
Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla!
Dear Carolla, Good gravy, Carolla! You've done it. The stamp of Adam Carolla genius is all over the place. You've got the gig with Kimmel. You've got the "Loveline" radio show on MTV. You've got the residuals flying in from...
Happy Birthday, Tina Fey!
Dear T, Happy 34th Birthday! Gosh, Tina, the thing I'm gonna miss most about "S.N.L." is our "Weekend Update" rehearsals together. Every week, you'd school me in current events, when I'd stroll in to 30 Rock, cutely six hours late,...
Happy Birthday, Bob Saget!
Dear Bob, Happy 48th Birthday! It's been too long since we've hung out, Bobby. I know you're a busy man, what with work and family, etc., and I've been pretty busy too--my career as an advertising spokesman is really heating...
Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall!
Dear Pat, It must be a really happy birthday for you. I heard you got a new liver, which is cool. I, too, am the recent recipient of an organ transplant. I just got a new colon. I think it's...
Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei!
I am π.
Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!
Dear Will, Happy 440th Birthday! Will, I'd like to thank you for writing The Taming of the Shrew. I've never read it, but I understand it was the springboard for the hit 1999 teen romantic comedy, 10 Things I Hate...
Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae!
My sweet Charlotte, Sometimes I dream where all the people dance. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Sometimes. Sometimes I dream the sounds all stay the same. Sometimes I’m dreaming there are so many different names. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Some times....
Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra!
Dear Carm, Lady, you and your ghoulish groom are really creeping me out. Please stop being freaky on my television. I don't like having to wash the TV set every night. Thank you. Sincerely, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Suge Knight!
Dear Suge, Can you believe that until my grandmother recently corrected me, I'd been mispronouncing your name as its spelling suggests: "Sooge." You see, I'm not "down" with the "hip-hop" community, and I don't watch the MTV, or go to...
Happy Birthday, Pete Rose!
Dear Pete, First, you say you didn't bet on baseball. Then, you say you bet on baseball but not your team. Now you say you bet on baseball but never against your team. I only have one question for you:...
Happy Birthday, Gabe Kaplan!
Dear Mr. Kot-tah, Happy 58th Birthday! Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back... Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. I know there's more words to that song, but I'll be damned if I know them. It's a darn catchy...
Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering!
Dear Ian Z, Happy happy birthday birthday. Ian Zing Zing, I can't believe you're 40 today! Just like that—Poof! It seems like just yesterday you were in high school. Whatever happened after you graduated? Did you stick around in your...
Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker!
You were in an awful Bruce Willis movie once I think, right?
Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda!
Dear Fish, Happy Birthday, you decrepit old codger! 83 years and not dead yet! Nosiree, Bob! All alive and accounted for here! Vigoda = not dead! Sure, you may look and smell like a week-old ham hock, but you are...
Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!
Dear Charles, The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were...
Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton!
Dear Paris, In just a few months, all of America watched you engage in coitus & cellular telecommunication; you've made an ass of yourself and got away scot-free on a reality TV show; you've proposed a retarded book for somebody...
Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel!
Dear Peter, Oooooooooh in your eyes! (The light, the heat!) Your eyes! (I am complete!) Your eyes! I see the doorways (your eyes) to a thousand churches (your eyes) ... etc. You know, Cusack does that outside Ione Skye's window,...
Happy Birthday, Judy Blume!
Judy, Judy, Judy! Happy 66th Birthday! Judy, I reread T.O.A.F.G.N. every day. The scene where Fudge colors in the map that Peter worked so hard on makes me weep openly. It worries my boss that I'm so eager to cry...
Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos!
Dear Georgie, Happy 43rd Birthday! You did such good work with Clinton. You turned a ruddy-faced hick from Arkansas who got blowjobs on the side into a ruddy-faced President who got blowjobs on the side! I heard you are married...
Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock!
The noted author and the wacky next-door neighbor celebrate.
Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!
Now, I'm scared that a long-haired Larry David look-alike is still wearing eye liner and leather pants at age 56.
Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis!
Dear Tallulah, Happy 10th birthday! Ten years old! I hope you're not getting too old for bedtime stories! Because I can't sleep if you don't read to me. Hey, I'm sorry I covered your eyes during halftime, but you were...
Happy Birthday, Christie Brinkley
Dear Christie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sooooo sorry. Please take me back. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Pleeeeeeeeeeease. Still,...
Happy Birthday, Big Boi
Dear Big Boi, 29 years old? Who's a big boy now? Happy birthday! Hey ya, Yankee Pot Roast www.yankeepotroast.org P.S. I like the way you move. P.P.S. Not in that way....
Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck!
Dear Oprah & Magnum, Happy 50th & 59th Birthdays! Seriously, you guys have my two favorite moustaches in Hollywood. Happy birthday! Best wishes, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood!
Dear Frodo, Happy 23rd birthday! Wow, how ’bout that ending to Return of the King, eh? That was really something, the way we pranced about the bedsheets in slo-mo. Good times, man, good times. And remember on the mountainside when...
Happy Birthday, Paul Newman!
Dear Butch, You can keep your tomato sauce, salad dressing, and popcorn. I got a film festival and a cable channel, sucker. Later, Sundance...
Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!
Dear Plácido, You think you're old? Y.P.R. is dead! You fat bastard, look what you've done. Happy Birthday, Geoff Wolinetz...
Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!
Dear Katie, Happy 30th birthday! Kate Moss, Kate Moss, Kate ... Moss ... I got nothing. Were this, say, 1995-ish, I'd have made some waify jokes or something, but lately you seem to have filled out a bit, reaching almost...
Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles!
Dear M.V.P., Happy 47th birthday! I get your dad, Melvin Van Peebles, mixed up with Martin Van Buren all the time, and they kicked me out of the Geography club because of that. My dog's name is Peebles. I saw...
Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom!
Dear Orlando, Happy 27th birthday! I don't know if you're aware, but your name is also the location of of the fabulous Walt DisneyWorld resort. This luxurious vacation destination features championship golf, spacious rooms, pools, day spas for your wife/girlfriend,...
Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm!
Dear Mel, You're looking more and more mannish every day. I bet you pee standing up. I hate you, Geri Halliwell a.k.a. Ginger P.S. You still owe me forty-six dollars. Don't think I forgot....
Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck!
Dear Wolfgang, I've eaten at your Spago restaurant. It's all right. Be honest with me now. You haven't actually cooked anything in 20 years, have you? Right now, you're jusst coasting on the fact that Chad Lowe went to your...
Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!
Dear Hawking, 110101110101 111110nd 1010001110101! 100010111101010 101100100101 1011101 10010 11100111001 1001111101 111000110 101010010101 11010101001 110 11000111 1011 1000101? 1010110000111001 "11010001 1 10010010" 1010 000100101 1001010010 1010100101010101?? 010111! Love, Geoff...
Happy Birthday, Erin Gray!
Dear Col. Wilma, Happy 54th birthday! I've been watching "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" for a long time now. When I was in grade school, I had your Thermos. It was a great picture of you. You were all...
Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow!
Dear E. L., Happy 73rd birthday! Good grief, E. L., I can't believe Britney got married and unmarried in, like, less than 24 hours. It's all so overwhelming. I'm in complete emotional upheaval here. I mean, how can she be...
Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco!
Dear Bert, Happy 72nd Birthday! On my birthday, I spend the whole day in my birthday suit! Even when I have to go to the bank! You should try it. Also, for my birthday breakfast, I make an ice-cream-sundae omelet...
Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe!
Dear Stipe, Happy 44th birthday! I bet you've got a super-fun day planned! Cookies and cupcakes and pin-the-tail-on-Bill Berry. Will Boy George will come over so you guys can paint stripes on each other's faces? Freak. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly...
Happy Birthday, Mel Gibson!
Dear Mel, Happy XLVIII Birthday! Diem genitalem, Diem genitalem, Care Mel, felicem Diem genitalem! Et tu, Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.!
Dear Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. Happy 36th Birthday! Cubby, I’m a big-time movie producer, and I've just acquired the rights to a picture that I think you'd be perfect for the lead. It’s "mostly inspired by" the true story of...
Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger!
Dear J. D., Happy 85th Birthday! Look, J. D., we really wanted to throw you a surprise party, but you won’t leave your house, you agoraphobic maniac. What are we supposed to do, silently sneak into your kitchen and scare...
Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!
Dear J.C., Happy Birthday! I know everybody's buying you frankincense and myrrh and Xbox for your birthday, so we were totally stumped. You're a hard person to shop for! But then we remembered that carpentry was one of your hobbies,...
Happy Birthdays, William Safire, Giovanni Ribisi, Peter Farrelly, Bill Pullman, Milla Jovovich, & Bob Guccione!
Dear everybody, Happy various birthdays! William: I can't make heads or tails of this: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, And they're like, 'It's better than yours.'" What the--?!? I know what all of the words mean,...
Happy Birthday, Liv Ullmann!
Dear Liv, Happy 64th Birthday! Liv, I'm so confused! I don't get it--how could Liv Tyler and Tracey Ullman have a baby? They're both girls. Two girls can't make a baby! Please hurry. Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Don Johnson!
Dear DoJo, Happy 54th Birthday! In honor of your special day, big Don, I'll be spending 16 straight hours on my couch watching a "Nash Bridges" marathon with my dog Wiggles. Wiggles loves your show. He can even bark the...
Happy Birthday, Rider Strong!
Dear Rider Strong, Ride her. Strong. Do you see now? Happy 24th birthday, Geoff...
Happy Birthday, Doctor Dre!
Dear Doctor Dre, Happy 40th Birthday! Good grief, Doctor, I can't believe there are two black men in the hip-hop world both named Doctor Dre--and neither one of you actually has a medical degree! It's a good thing you're so...
Happy Birthday, Woody Allen!
Dear Woody, Happy 68th Birthday! My grampa is 68, and he still gets dates with Tiffani Thiessen, Debra Messing, and Téa Leoni, so don’t you ever think you’ve got to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. Also, my...
Happy Birthday, Christina Applegate!
Dear Ms. Applegate, Happy 32nd Birthday! Christina, you've long known of my love for you, which burns with the power of the a thousand suns. As a special birthday gift, I've written you a song. It's called "Set Adrift on...
Happy Birthday, Ted Bundy & Charles Starkweather!
Dear Starkweather & Bundy, Holy crap, you guys share a birthday? I'm seriously creeped out. I know it's also comedian Billy Connolly's birthday today, and that daffy Scot has got psycho-killer written all over him. Anyway, I'm glad you pricks...
Happy Birthday, Bo Derek!
Dear Bo, Horse? Check. Beach? Check. Braids? Check. Short British man with alcohol-induced impotency? Check. Music by Ravel? Check. O.K., here's the deal. I'm shooting, 10: 25 Years Later, and I'd love for you to reprise your role. As you...
Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer!
Dear Schwimmer, Happy 37th birthday! What's the deal with your hair? It just keeps growing and growing and growing. Pretty soon it's going to be as big as your head (which we're comfortable saying is pretty goddamn big). What, can...
Happy Birthday, Demi Moore!
Dear Ms. Moore, I love you. A lot. Seriously. A lot. I have a life-sized picture of you from the cover of Vanity Fair hanging over my bed. You are an inspiration to pregnant women like me everywhere. When G.I....
Happy Birthday, Sally Field!
Dear Sally, Why you gotta be a stuck up bitch, yo? I wrote you a letter asking if I could lay the pipe down on your thang and put your story down on the paper. You didn't even write me...
Happy Birthday, Art Garfunkel!
Dear Art, Happy 62nd Birthday! Three words for you Art: "Siegfried & Garfunkel." All the best, Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Vanilla Ice!
Dear Vanilla, Happy 35th Birthday! I remember there was one Halloween, probably 1990, (circa Cool as Ice) where I dressed like you for the occasion. I had the hair, the “Word To Your Mother” jacket, the total lack of muscular...
Happy Birthday, Joaquin Pheonix!
Dear Joaq, Happy 29th Birthday! Why do people keep telling me I look like you? Stop looking like me! Go fuck yourself. Geoff...
Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
Dear Roberto, Happy birthday! I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and to...
Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
Dear Roberto, Happy 51st Birthday! I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and...
Happy Birthday, India.Arie!
http://India.Arie: Happy 27th Birthday! India.Arie, what's up with the punctuation? Hyphens in a name are O.K. (like Jean-Luc) and even apostrophes (like O'Irish) but, seriously, what the hell is up with that period? Are you some high-tech supercomputer program...
Happy Birthday, Bobby Knight!
Dear Bobby, Happy birthday, you sexy beast. I'm a veteran of many an abusive relationship. In fact, nothing turns this puppy on more than being told I'm a worthless maggot who doesn't even deserve to be there. Please Mr. Knight,...
Happy Birthday, F. Murray Abraham!
Dear F, Happy 64th Birthday! Are you related to me? Cousin? Uncle? Something like that? Because I only have one favor to ask: Do you know Charlize Theron? Love, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Jerry Orbach!
Dear Jerry, Happy 68th Birthday! Jerry, you've been playing a cop on "Law & Order" and its ridiculous spinoffs for like 45 years already. I thought the police department had a really good pension program. When are you going to...
Happy Birthday, Angela Lansbury!
Dear Ms. Lansbury, Happy 78th Birthday! Tonight, 11 o'clock, my place. You, me, a box of wine, and I'm cooking up some Steak-Umms. Just the way you like ’em. See you there, sexy. Yours, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Penny Marshall!
Dear Ms. Marshall, Happy 61st Birthday! Penny, I was digging through the farthest reaches of my jumbo walk-in closet in search of my lucky pleather pants when I found a couple of shirts with Bedazzler-bejeweled cursive capital letter Ls over...
Happy Birthday, Sir Roger Moore!
Dear Rog, Happy 76th Birthday! You know, you share a name with a skinny black kid on an American television program called, "What's Happening!!" That Rog also had a sarcastic sister named Dee, a chubby friend nicknamed "Rerun," and another...
Happy Birthday, Sigourney Weaver!
Dear Siggy, Happy 54th Birthday! Know what? Nobody can hear you scream under water, either. Not just in outer space, but right here on earth, too! Just off the coast of Mexico, for example. I know this because I stepped...
Happy Birthday, Yo-Yo Ma!
Dear Yo-Yo, Happy 48th Birthday! Yo-Yo, if (hypothetically speaking) you fed trace amounts of silver nitrate to a werewolf every day, do you think over time he'd build up a tolerance and eventually you'd have a wolfman that couldn't be...
Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott!
Dear Seann, Happy 27th Birthday! Seann, I've recently undergone chin-implant plastic surgery as the first of many steps in a complex facial reconstruction process so that I may one day look exactly like you. (Do not think this means I...
Happy Birthday, Alicia Silverstone!
Dear Ali-ci-a, Happy 27th Birthday! Man, I sure was head-over-heels for you sometime post-"Cryin'" and pre-"Amazin'." That's a pretty narrow window, sure, but my fancies are fickle. You like how I pronounced your name right, though? Happy Birthday! Best wishes,...
Happy Birthday, Kate Winslet!
Dear Kate, Happy 28th Birthday! Kate, you sure like to show your boobs a lot. (Thanks!) Don't you think you could have given us just a little peep to make The Life of David Gale even halfway watchable? That movie...
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