Money-Saving Holiday Shopping Tips from the Wizard of Oz
I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Those who come before me cannot help but to cower and quail at my flaming visage. But I still have limits on my credit cards, and during these recessionary times, even mighty despots with enormous Heads have to count their pennies.
It's a Wonderful Life: Alternate Ending
In which a middle-aged Harry Bailey, no longer a war hero and still depressed about his older brother’s attempted suicide, himself begins to consider jumping off a bridge but is interrupted by an absent-minded angel.
Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Advent
Days 1 – 10: DENIAL December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work--are there clubs? I definitely need to put up...
Happy Festival of Lights!
Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah! (Let's settle on the spelling. No more of that "
ch" crap.)
Black Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store!
Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.-rejected Chinese brand prices! Yup. We're gonna run this one every year.
Turducken Cookin': John Madden's Favorite Thanksgiving Day Feasts from Around the World
The football gourmand's recipes for Kangaby, Hippeleraffe, and Humanzee for your holiday feast.
Ben Bernanke's Gotta Feeling
Enter the Black-Eyed Peas! You know the gang: Fergie, will.i.am, that curious hypeman of indeterminate Afro/Asian stock, and there's also one other guy. With their mega-hit "I Gotta Feeling," the Peas hit the nail on the proverbial head with respect to what needs to happen in this country economically.
Teaching English in Europe: Conversation Prompts
It's every teacher's nightmare.
Your students just won't talk! Well, loosen 'em on up with the following conversation prompts!
Europa Europa!
What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic / I've Decided to Start Acting More French / I Think I Need to Dispell Some Misconceptions about My Six-Foot-Tall Swedish Ladyfriend Who Happens to Be a Licensed Massage Therapist / European Hip-Hoppers / Temping in Vatican City /
The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation / Eurotrash / Part of Your Complete International Breakfast
The Swiss Miss Index
Your guide to Swedes and Swiss.
50 Unanswered Questions on Lost
What the hell is going on? Does anyone have any Dramamine?
"Ripped from the Headlines...": Law & Order Signs Off
"A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf, Creator of TV's
Law & Order" and "Letter to Chris Noth: 'Mr. Big,' 'Detective Logan,' and Owner of N.Y.C.'s Cutting Room"
Things I've Said into Mirrors Recently
You are interesting. You have a great singing voice. You are talking into a puddle of urine in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday's.
Poets Appealing to College Students
"I Wandered as High as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth, and more.
So, You've Decided to Become a Drifter
The life of a drifter is lonely, hard and trying, but when you're lying there, sprawled across a bench at the bus station, you can take pride in knowing that you're helping other people feel better about their choices in life.
Quintus Masters, Apprehensive 19th-Century Whaler, Talks to Teenagers
What calamitous folly! Surely the scant rations of fresh water, biscuits, and turtle meat stowed on board are insufficient for sustaining the crew on such a long and treacherous endeavor.
Giant Radioactive Ant ... in Love (Excerpt)
With the success of Stephenie Meyer's vampire abstinence parable novels, the
Twilight series, publishers are scrambling to move forward with their own monsters-in-love novels.
Not-So-Famous Last Words
Match the not-so-famous last words below with their famous speaker!
Observations of Gregory Ash, Trash Culture Snob
* When viewing paparazzi photos, refers the reverent diplomacy of JustJared.com to the nihilistic insouciance of PerezHilton.com
Mother's Day Mayhem
This year, Mother's Day is gonna be
OFF THA HOOK!
The Search-Engine-Optimized Marriage Proposal
Things changed when you came into my life. You were my free credit report, and you showed me I had potential. Our love is like Justin Bieber.
Southern Church Flavors
The finest flavors from God's kitchen.
Warning-Label Copy That Would Benefit from Tighter Editing
Careful, the beverage you're about to enjoy may be extremely hot. And there's a good chance you won't even enjoy it, actually. You know how it has that weird burnt taste sometimes, especially when Travis makes it?
Will Leitch Is Winning
Huzzah and kudos to Y.P.R.'s pal
Mr. William Fauntleroy Leitch, whose new book,
Are We Winning?, lands in bookstores today.
Demotivational Speaker Murph Murphy Addresses the Cast of the Henry David Thoreau Middle School Production of West Side Story
On Tuesday night, you will be faced with the formidable task of taking a beloved Leonard Bernstein classic and reïmagining it through your pre-teen eyes without reinforcing overtly racist Puerto Rican stereotypes.
Autobiography of a Douchebag: Epilogue, First Submission to the Editor
I've been to hell and back. Sometimes hell doesn't look like hell. Sometimes it looks like $5,000 bottles of Champagne and deep-fried foie gras from geese that were force-fed veal. Sometimes hell is fucking delicious.
More Thirty-Second Mysteries with Jaguar Jones!
Jaguar Jones, detective-for-hire extraordinaire, stopped in his tracks at the shrill sound of a woman screaming in distress. Local buxom young vixen, Brittany McBongos, burst through her front door wearing only a towel and ran straight into Jaguar's arms.
Google Maps Gives Me Directions
1. Head nowhere - last 10 yrs or so
When Are You Going to Publish My Motherfucking Children's Book?
I sent you guys a manuscript almost two fucking weeks ago and haven't heard dick yet. What gives?
Earth Day
Some Nature Haiku /
Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father / The Effects of Global Warning / Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming
The Effects of Global Warning
Color-coded warnings applied to ice-cream supply in school cafeterias
Five Poems by a Cranky Old Man
The cranky old author of these poems lives with his middle-aged son's family in Toledo, Ohio. It was his daughter-in-law who suggested that he take up some kind of hobby like poetry.
Four and Twenty
Excerpts from
Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues / Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future ... / Billy Mays Tries to Sell You Some Weed
Five Underrated Life Moments
Discovering the Fallibility of your Parents / Second Base / Hitting Rock Bottom / Codependence / Giving Up Your Dreams
Kapitoil & Trouble
Erstwhile Y.P.R. contributor Teddy Wayne publishes a book. A book!
The Cougar
Cougar! Cougar! what a sight / In the bars and clubs of night, /
What callow man or guy / Could resist thy lustful try?
Romeo and Juliet: The Hipster Version
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / I can't see because of my wayfarers are all dirty.
Poems! We've Got More Poems!
Postage Due / Spam the Man / Andy and the Puma / Hippies, Hair Metal, and How I Learned to Stop Watching Television
Two Poems
Andy & the Puma / Hippies, Hair Metal, and How I Learned to Stop Watching Television
Postage Due
The post office has raised the postage rate again.
Spam the Man
This is a poem. Not spam. I'm not the widow of the former Nigerian foreign minister ...
Five More Underrated Songs
Five more underrated gems, courtesy the inimitable Mr. DiClaudio.
The Future of Public Access Television Depends on You
Whatever your TV tastes, we depend on you for support, because the N.E.A. won't even return our calls.
Batman's Financial Missteps
Most of his money was tied up in real estate, blind trusts and his collection of pewter baby dishes, so to pay for the Batcave's modernization, Batman took out a sizable loan from his Hall of Justice 401(k).
My Second Day as a Somali Pirate
You worry about me handling a gun, but if I was entrusted to help run a multibillion-dollar hedge fund at Lehman Brothers, I can use this thing.
Lesser-Known Stats from the 2009 Major League Baseball Season Courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau
Since the club began tracking the statistic in 1996, Justin Russo, age 11 months, 23 days, became the fourth youngest Red Sox fan in Fenway Park history to utter a clearly audible "Jeter Sucks" at the Sox-Yankees game on August 21st.
Overheard at Ted Nugent's Easter Egg Hunt
Hey, did you take the last Peep? Seriously, man, did you take my last Peep?
A Pantheon of Greek-Myth Mirth
Enslaved by the Bell: Greek Titans and Gods in High School / Sisyphus Dabbles in Haiku / Dionysus, Applebee's Server / Alfred Tennyson's "Release the Kraken!"
Alfred Tennyson's "Release the Kraken!"
If only Liam Neeson needed a paycheck, the Kraken could unleash hardcore C.G.I. dreck.
Sisyphus Dabbles in Haiku
Some things are certain / Death and taxes, for instance / Also, gravity
Dionysus, Applebee's Server
Our Red Apple Sangria will gush forth from these very walls over our shivering bodies.
Writers' Blocks
Possible
Noms de Plume I Might Use for My Novel / T.S. Eliot's Opinions of the Other Eleven Months / The Steamboat Sessions: Early Musings of Samuel Clemens / Five Early Working Titles for
The Vagina Monologues / Great Works of Literature AutoSummarized by Microsoft Office Word 2003 Edition
Greenberg 2: Greenberg Down Under
Greenberg is back and anti-social as ever!
Possible Noms de Plume I Might Use for My Novel
Fyodor Rudyard Greatwriter and other great fake names.
The Steamboat Sessions: Early Musings of Samuel Clemens
I have never let my schooling interfere with my learnin'.
T.S. Eliot's Opinions of the Other Eleven Months
Doug Campbell & Julia McCloy
October? Is that the fat one?
Novels Submitted for Consideration at a Literary Agency
I have no previous writing credits, but my caseworker and my parole officer both read
Last Breath and loved it. Please send your offer of representation and the advance from the publisher within seven days. I need the money to get my car out of impound.
Passover Rehash
Why should this night be different from all other nights?
Selections from Henry David Thoreau's Lost Walden Chapter: "The Last Month of Winter"
Why didn't I bring anything with at least a little bit of color in it? My red bowtie? My nice set of blue drinking glasses?
Yo-Momma-So-Fat Jokes from Bible Camp
Yo momma so fat, after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, her feet were still dry.
Five Underrated Songs
Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the eclectic Mr. Matthew Tobey.
Hooray for Healthcare!
Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s most medicinal mirth.
March Madness 2010
Reprinting some of our leftover basketball stuff.
First Lines of Rejected College Essays
College campuses would be much safer places if students were allowed to carry guns.
"Puppies for Sale" Fliers That Really Work
For sale: puppy. You can't tell by this photo, but this puppy looks EXACTLY like Denzel Washington.
Least Popular Facebook Quizzes
Which Teenage Vampire Would You Support for U.S. Senator? (My result: Bella from
Twilight)
Ogden Nash for Pitchfork
Feeling sick on Bedford Street? / Try nerd guitar with a Williamsburg beat!
Rejected Pitchfork Reviews
David Mamet on Death Cab for Cutie's
Transatlanticism; Shel Silverstein on Kanye West; Ernest Hemingway on Radiohead's
Kid A; and more.
Pitchfork Reviews Albums That Don't Exist
Straight up: this album would be one of the more impressive debuts of 2010 if it was or ever had been created by a band that was at some point formed.
If Pitchfork.com Reviewed A Pitchfork
If you're looking for faults, start with the handle. Sparks literally fly with such immediacy at the mere touch of the fiberglass handle that one wonders if Radius Garden thinks Coulomb's Law is nothing more than a prime-time network procedural drama.
Popular 80s Songs About Zombies
Alexandra Salerno, Katherine Salerno, & Alana Quirk
(I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Eating Me
Five Underrated Songs
Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the excellent Ms. Kittenpants.
Wit of Winston
"Cheap and nasty," said Churchill, "How I like my whores."
Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft
I'm Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.
The Toyota Tirades
Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn't forget the voice-activated navigation system.
Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming
Dontcha know it got cold when God heard we were worried 'bout the weather gettin' warmer!
Now That You've Found My "Creepy" Twilight Shrine: A Few Points for Rebuttal
While I feel it was inappropriate of me to have Photoshopped Robert Pattinson over your face in the pictures on my desk, I was hurt that you failed to notice the quality and detail of the vector mask that I employed.
The Olympian
I laughed when I realized that I was kind of drunk, because wouldn't I choose the night before my big day to challenge a motorcycle gang to a drinking contest.
Kanye the Cognoscente
I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish.
Lesser-Known Rules of Fight Club
We don't beat people in your bathroom; please don't pee in our basement.
Exclusive Excerpt from James Cameron's Avatari
The director's prequel will tell the film's early videogame-era back stories
Erratic Services
Seeking MILF interested in mutual funds - m4w - 21 (Atlanta)
Personal Injury Lawyer Goes on a Date
"Excuse me while I slip and fall into something more comfortable."
Befriend Y.P.R.
That's right, folks: your humble literary journal has canceled its MySpace, Friendster, and AOL chatroom accounts.
Oft-Overlooked Winter Olympic Sports
Bobsledding, skating, and skiing are all great, but don't these other winter sports deserve just as much coverage?
The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation
Ja, so, dis is der story uf me, a young mensch who vanders arount New York mit dem red hat on mein kupf.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Book Club: Catcher In the Rye
"This book was O.K. and everything but I'm kind of pissed off about something I read on the second page."
Hip-Hop Lit: New and Noteworthy
Rapper 50 Cent will collaborate with a team of writers on a series of novels about life on the streets.
