See Y'all in MMX
Y.P.R. will return in 2010.
Black Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store!
Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.-rejected Chinese brand prices!
Tone Lōc's "Where the Wild Thing Is"
Grounded by my mom, sent to bed without dinner / So I float my boat in a sea of funky cold medina.
Tonight's Tasting Menu
The flavor of the biscuit, infused with fennel and East European herbs, will be striking, perhaps even shocking, and may remind you of a moment of betrayal in your life. Additionally, it will cleanse your mouth.
So, What Is Not an International Zionist Plot?
"
So, What Is Not an International Zionist Plot?" by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran
Dancing with the Lone Star
The opening notes of Strauss fill the auditorium. Famed professional dancer Cheryl Burke makes a spectacular entrance in a Marie Antoinette ball gown, flipping her ruffles to reveal provocative pantaloons. From across the stage former Majority Leader Tom DeLay emerges from the bowels of a V-2 rocket.
R.I.P., William Safire
Remembering the conservative wordsmith.
The Status (Up)Date
Tyler Stoddard Smith & Greg Boose
Love in the age of social networking.
Dan Brown Day!
Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s most cryptic and sacrilegious conspiracies.
Dunne Done.
Upon returning to New York City, I attended a benefit for the Bichon Frisé Society, at the Puck Building, hosted this year by my good friend Liza Minnelli, (who looks better each time I see her); and a good friend of my son Griffin's, Gwenyth Paltrow, the daughter of my good, old friend Blythe Danner. Many of New York's
grande dames were in attendance, as well as a number of up-and-coming young actors, a few regulars from Page Six, and that rascal David Patrick Columbia. It is an event of star-studded revelry and finger food (catered by Mario Batali).
Poems! We've Got Poems!
The important free-verse kind, not the fun rhymey kind.
The Robot Speaks of Rivers
With apologies to Langston Hughes.
Ode to the Spork
Oh unsung hero of hot lunch
Three Poems
Judaism | World Series Tickets | What You Did When Your Wife Left for a Little While to Visit Her Mom in the Bronx
Death by Listicle
Prom Dates from Hell / Other Ways to Skin a Cat / Alternatives to "Finish Him!" in
Mortal Kombat / Expiration by Twinkie / Other Things That Are Killing Me Softly
Other Things That Are Killing Me Softly
The slow, insidious destruction of the middle class.
Other Ways to Skin a Cat
Tell the cat that skin is an unrealistic standard of beauty perpetuated by the media and Maybelline.
Prom Dates from Hell
Formal Wear and Pitchforks
R.I.P., John Hughes
Some Good Possible Names for an Emo Band, Inspired by the 1986 Motion Picture
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Yo, Joe!
This year, in support of all our troops overseas, we're going with the most patriotic theme we could think of. That's right: "
G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero"!!!!!!!!
Life Lessons from My History Textbook: Chapter Three, Ancient China
Taken directly, copyrights-be-damned, from Chapter 3 of
World History Vol. One: To 1800, 3
rd edition, Duiker and Spielvogel.
Puritan Gravestones!!!
Judge Byron Edwards (aged 54 yrs of the age). Who Rid our towne of witches, recognizing Them by their dancing & some-times sleeping in past 4 thirty of the a.m.
Broadway Listicles
Brutally Realistic Versions of Famous Musicals / How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? / Ways in Which I Would Refer to Sex if I Were a Bawdy Extra in an English Period Drama
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Do you know how I know that you defriended me? Because my other TWENTY-FIVE friends would never do that to me and also I'm not getting your status updates, which I'm sure are fraught with anguish over our breakup--something I'd be happy to help you heal and deal with. I'll bet our make-up sex would be great, too.
Michael Winslow Pens His Memoirs
To most of my fans, I was simply "the guy in
Police Academy who made all the sound effects with his mouth." But there's much more to my career than that. For instance, I was also the guy in
Spaceballs who made all the sound effects with his mouth.
Cormac McCarthy's Mr. Belvedere
See Wesley. He has been touched by a camp counselor. This is a very special episode. His father is a sportswriter but in truth he has hired an Englishman to work this labor.
Rachael Ray Cooks Ghetto Gourmet
Here's a tip, kids: Look for meat with a bright orange "manager's special" sticker. It's 14 hours away from being spoiled, but it's half price.
Comic Con
Reprinting some of Y.P.R.'s geekiest Comics, Sci-Fi, and Fantasy stuff.
The President of Banana Republic Addresses the Marketing Employee Who Mistakenly Sent Out a $15 Gift Card
You know what you did when you decided to send out a free fifteen bucks to her? You positively reinforced that cheap-ass behavior. By sending that card to her, you said that Banana Republic is O.K. with getting walked all over by customers like Vicky Fucking Sweeney.
Make-Another-Wish
Making dreams come true in a recession.
Downturn Trends in Decorative Throw Pillows
Cleats: Perfect for the spacious rec room that seemed like such a good idea before the housing crisis.
My Business Plan
My alternate business plan is to win the Nobel Prize. In something. What's easiest? Probably not chemistry.
Bring Your Unemployed Parent to School Day
If any of you were in Mrs. Franklin's class last year, you'll remember that Mr. Peters came in to talk about his job as a real estate agent. But Mr. Peters is now what we call "in between jobs", and he's here to tell us how he spends his day!
Foreign Affairs Gets in on the Gossip Scene
FRANCIS FUKUYAMA was seen at Charlie Palmer Steak discussing waterboarding over what looked to be a medium-rare rib eye.
Half-Blood Princery
Y.P.R. never misses the chance to recycle its Mudblood jokes.
The Everyman's Guide to Adoption
Once your return the baby safely to your hostel or back alley, it is important to make an exit as quickly and quietly as possible.
The Private Life of Obama's Speechwriter
The secret life of Jon Favreau, the President's wordsmith wunderkind.
Sarah Palin Advances in Another Direction
I promised almost three years ago years ago that there would be no more politics-as-usual and no invasions of trans-dimensional demons. Not on my watch, Buster.
Overheard in Spaghetti Warehouse
"Eating the Incredible 15-Layer Lasagna in this trolley car is everything I dreamed it'd be."
There Will Be Bats: P. T. Anderson Writes the Dark Knight Sequel
The long-awaited "I drink your milkshake" / "Why so serious?" mashup.
Treatment for Plow Man: The Genesis
Prequel to 1976 film
The Plow Man. This film will shed light on the origins of Plow Man and explore the events that took place before the Snow Day Massacre depicted in the original
Plow Man movie.
Greeting Cards for the Music Critic in Your Life
"For Your Birthday, I Thought I'd Get You This Hot Babe" (front, with picture of gorgeous woman in bikini)
Happy Birthday, America!
Republishing some of our Founding Fathers' favorites.
Everything That Enters and Exits Angelina Jolie: A Daily Ledger
Beautiful mega-star and child-rearing extraordinaire Angelina Jolie ingests one veggie sandwich late this morning, an unnamed personal assistant reports.
Captain Ahab's Long-Lost Twitter Log
dreamt the beast again. I, in the water. From the inky deep he came, his open maw the very gate of Hell. Woke to kippers for breakfast. Yum.
Billy Mays Tries to Sell You Some Weed
But wait! There's more! Say goodbye to disappointing highs, and let marijuana open your eyes! IT'S FAST! IT'S EASY! It's a one-stop-shop for all your avoidant and escapist tendencies!
Toys on Film
Ridley Scott's
Monopoly and other toy-to-film adaptations.
The Wartime Adventures of Benedetto "Little" Parisi
It was 1943, and the tide was finally starting to turn. A small American vessel glided stealthily through the waters off the coast of the small Italian town of Passo Oscuro, seeking out a remote spot to make landfall ...
Whatever Works
Woody's Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
Asshole High School Reporter Kristie MacDougal Buries the Lead
Extra! Extra! Becky Thelen Lands Lead Role in Competition Production of
Grease! Read All About It!
John Irving Clarifies the DTV Transition
Before killing himself, the talking bear mauls Tom Wolfe to death leaving the ersatz novelist's white suit bloodied and tattered.
Dan Brown's Angel Code and Daemons
Using real science and history, Dan Brown's latest page-turning thriller will make you learn while you read!
The Afghanistan Government's Economic Stimulus Plan
Extra funds will be invested in environmentally friendly "sand-colored" jobs as well as toward a ruler to help draw an energy grid.
Beating a Dead Horse
(Triple Crown Equine Nomenclature)
Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers
How I Unwind
Today is gone but soon tomorrow will come and turn into today. Then today, formerly know as tomorrow, will become yesterday. Which reminds me of a song by Paul McCartney titled "Monkberry Moon Delight" from the album
Ram.
Wallace Stevens v. My Grandfather
My grandfather's correspondence contesting an erroneous charge with Wallace Stevens, Vice President of the Hartford Insurance Company and influential Modernist poet (winner of the National Book Award for Poetry in 1951 and 1955).
The Internal Monologue of Someone Looking for Waldo
Nothing like Waldo, Cave man, Sort of Waldo, Nothing like Waldo, Mass amount of people wearing red and blue ...
Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store!
Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.-rejected Chinese brand prices!
Pomp & Circumstance
Congratulating the 2009 graduates. Good luck with that whole employment thing!
Angels & Demons & Da Vinci Codes
Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s most cryptic and sacrilegious conspiracies.
A Note to Our Dear Readers
As you may have noticed, 2009 has found your humble journal moving at a snail's pace ...
Smothers Day
Republishing Some Mother's Day Material for Dear Old Mom
Beatrice "Bea" Arthur, R.I.P.
May 13, 1922 - April 25, 2009
Some Nature Haiku
The proud, burly tree / Rests on the now crashed TV / Thanks a lot, nature
IV/XX
"Excerpts from
Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues" & "Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future ..."
Your Subscription to Netflix Has Been Canceled
Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards has been electronically deleted, your electricity will be shut off in three days, all your jokes will fall flat, and you will forget how to whistle.
Passover/under
What you can buy for two zuzzim.
So You Want to Hunt and Kill a Care Bear
Patrick Barb & Julia McCloy
Excerpts from Teddy Roosevelt's
Practical Field Guide to Hunting and Killing Care Bears
Opening Day 2009
Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s favorite pastime.
Diablo Cody Tells a Joke
First of all, I am so not worthy of this. I mean, now that I'm all problemed-out Hollywood-style, it's queer (not gay) for me to hang out and just talk or whatevs. Wait--hold on--I'm going to Tweety-Tweet like Sylvester is raging!
Unintended Consequences of Six Oft-Forgotten Tariffs
The Tariff of 1828 (a.k.a. "the Tariff of Abominations")
Lá Fhéile Pádraig (St. Paddy's Day)
St. Pat's Facts and a Salute to Things Irish
Light Matter: Science Is Funny (Until It Kills Us All--Again!)
A little hard work won't kill you.
Unless you have myasthenia gravis ...
If Jackson Pollock Wrote Poetry
The legendary painter and drunk applies his drip technique toward abstract expressionist poetry.
A Rant on the Blizzard
Brrr, how 'bout that snow out there, eh, babe? That's a lot of fuckin' snow, Cochise.
Curious Factoids Revealed by Presidential Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin Following An All-Night Presidents' Day Pub Crawl
To soothe his jangled nerves before an important speech, Andrew Jackson would often toss a small Seminole child into the Potomac.
Scorching V.D.
Hot stuff, comin' through.
Job Opening for a Villainous Time-Traveling Sidekick
Applicant must be punctual, detail-oriented, and have a decent grasp of the diabolical.
25 Facts About Me
The first fact is something most people don't know. The second fact states the obvious, which should amuse you.
Super Bowl XLIII
In which we pretend to care who's playing.
Clinical Internet Porn Site Review
Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.
The Many Permutations of Public-Radio Pledge Drives
What's the matter? You don't have time for WBCD anymore? I see the way you go traipsing around with that easy-listening station.
Stuff Fictional Characters Would Leave at My Apartment if We Broke Up
The detritus of literary ex-boyfriends Dr. Jeckyll, Captain Ahab, and Humbert Humbert ...
Anne Frank: Observational Comic
Have you noticed how, recently, it's like everyone hates Jews? What's
that about?
So Long, Mr. President: Bush Feet Under
The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration
Thank You, Mr. President, Pt. II
Republishing some
more of Y.P.R.'s past tributes to our 43rd president and his awesome administration.
Thank You, Mr. President
Republishing
(thankfully for the last relevant time) some of Y.P.R.'s past tributes to our 43rd president and his awesome administration.
The Coach of the Washington Generals Addresses His Team Before a Game
We simply don't get enough timeouts to take one every time they stick a ball up the back of one of our jerseys.
Conversations with the Brave Voice in My Head
Hey, man, this guy is totally disrespecting your girlfriend. You should say something.
Today Is My Last Day
As many of you know, today is my last day as a paralegal at the firm. I have learned so much from all of you over the past ten years. It is very unlikely that the homicide of which I was convicted was committed by me.
Tom Cruise Brought to You By ...
I love talking about my movies. Love it! However, I'm also here today to talk about the major corporate sponsor of my movie, Spam.
2008: The Year in Pot Roast
Our annual round-up of the past loop around the sun.
