Lesser Known Characters from Dickens's A Christmas Carol
Dick Dicklewicker, Tucker Bisby, Sweets Plushbottom, and more minor players from the holiday classic.
Recollections: A Christmas Panegyric, Barstow, California
When my sisters grow up, they'll most likely be whores ...
The Sharper Image's "Secret Santa" Holiday Gift Exchange Should Not Be Taken Lightly
Have I offended somebody's sense of decorum and decency? I've already made it very clear through countless other department-wide memos that I'm violently allergic to nuts, and this fruitcake is littered with almonds.
The Thoughts of a Ten-Year-Old, as Imagined by the Producers of Alvin and the Chipmunks
What long-discarded premise can be plucked from the dust of antiquity, polished and refashioned into something I, an adorable tyke, will want to see again and again? One thing's for certain: it will need some references to hip-hop culture.
An Overdone Assassination
Alone in the cockpit, the assassin sings the sexy part of "Ride of the Valkyries", backed by a symphony of engine noise.
My Problems with Story Problems
1.) Incomplete narrative arcs.
Outing Inanimate Objects
French Horn. The Kevin Spacey of the brass section.
Hoyle's Modernized Rules for War
Widely recognized for its exciting, high-stakes battles, War is played avidly worldwide, though some criticize it for ultimately being drawn out and tiresome.
Rainer Maria Rilke's Facebook Postings to a Young Poet
As much as I treasure solitude, your recent bundle of poems brought a much-needed ray of sunshine, followed by a cold front and precipitous sinus relief.
Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah!
Settle on the spelling. Market the
latkes. More songs! Gina Gershon & other hot Jewesses.
MTV Books Presents: Romeo & Juliet
"Shit, bro!" shouted Romeo. "Juliet Capulet is smoking hot!"
More iPhone Commercials
More man-on-the-street testimonials from iPhone users in front of black felt.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Queue
Hi, Kirsten. Yeah, it's me. We have to talk. About the Netflix queue. Maybe you should delete yours and we both start over.
Thank You for Contributing During My Podcast Pledge Drive
Your PayPal donation will help me cover the costs of the video equipment I need to transform YouTube into MeTube.
Jakob Neilson's Top Ten Design Mistakes in the Human Condition, 2007
Poor navigation, nonresponsive support, and the complete lack of concrete results top this year's list of design mistakes in the human condition, according to the 2007 user survey from noted usability expert Jakob Neilson.
Designer Dog Breeds: Rapper's Edition
Fox Hound + Schnauzer = Fo Schnizzle
Amazon Rankings of Children's Books by Christopher Hitchens
Mommy's Not Going to Heaven,
"Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children!"
Yes, You'll Thank Him When You're the Coolest Cat at That Wedding or Bar Mitzvah
Mr. Nick Jezarian, your humble coëditor and breakdancer extraordinaire, will instruct you
How to Do the Kick Worm, over at
Instructables, the world's biggest Show & Tell.
And now you're the hit of every wedding or bar mitzvah to come.
Tribal Elders, It Will Take More Than a Mere Car Alarm to Thwart Indiana Jones
As we approach the hour of the Festival of the Great One, when we bow and offer sacrifice to He of the Moon and the Tides, I must speak openly and say it will take more than a mere car alarm to thwart Indiana Jones from stealing the golden image of our Most Supreme Tecuciztécatl,.
Mailer Meets Maker
Mr. Norman Kingsley Mailer, the legendary writer and pugilist, now punching God in the face.
Rocking the WGA Strike, Pt. II
Presenting some of Y.P.R.'s archive of screenplays, treatments, pitches, and script coverage.
How to Be Productive During a Writers' Strike
Hey, striking screenwriters: Why not turn off Final Draft and flip open Microsoft Word for
NaNoWriMo?
NOVELIZATIONS, people!
The Five Other People You Meet in Heaven
Clarence: A former small-arms dealer from Queens. He seems like a nice enough guy.
Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly
You receive your cut from a jewel heist: collect $50
David Bowie's Rejected Proposals for New Rock n' Roll Alter Egos
For the upcoming
Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) release, I thought I would suggest trying on another character again: Pierre Gremaud--1970s Parochial School Perfect Attendance Zeitgeist!
A Very Tall Patriot Has Something to Tell You
Let me just start by saying that in no way, shape, or form do I believe, even for a nanosecond, that the Bush administration has lied to or misled the American public regarding any aspects whatsoever about the war in Iraq, and that I am 407 feet and two inches tall.
Classic Nintendo Game Secrets
Tetris Few have seen the localized Japanese version, which replaced the falling blocks with fluffy kittens, mutant eggplant zombies, and irritatingly horny schoolgirls.
Hollywood's Most Hilarious Bleeps, Boners, and Flub-Ups: Nicolas Cage Edition
Hollywood spends billions and billions of dollars on Nicolas Cage movies every year. Half the time these movies come out with some craaaazy mistakes in them.
Goth Round Table
Charlie Rose welcomes to his show the rockers Robert Smith, Morrissey, Marilyn Manson, and Trent Reznor.
Disquieting Modern Trends: The Leviathan Stirs in Defense of All That Is Holy Edition
Your humble arbiters of disquietude return ... thanks to the separation of a pop star and her children.
Maybe I'm Taking This Whole "Who Are You" Shtick a Little Too Far
Geez, did you fold that shopping list enough times? Who are you, Tomoko Fuse, author of
Unit Origami: Multidimensional Transformations?
The Gummy Bear Survival Guide
Gummy Bears want to kill you. It's true.
Rejection Letters before They Were Famous
Wonderful penmanship. We wish you luck elsewhere.
Tongue Untwisters
Peter Piper bought a tractor.
A Letter to Alan from Ted
I have you to thank for a wildly enjoyable evening. I haven't had beluga since my days scamming randy old men at the Waldorf.
The 1970s Joy of Sex Beard Guy Writes His Online Dating Profile
With you on the waterbed in the back of my van, parked on the beach with the gentle thrashing of the tide mixing with Barry White from my 8-track while I delicately pour candle wax on your backside.
Test Your Cultural I.Q.: I Love Lucy Episode or Noam Chomsky Theorem?
Can you discern the classic sitcom plots from the noted linguist's views? Take this quiz.
My Stunt-Book Pitches Currently under Review
Pots and Pans: In which I spend one (1) calendar year getting high smoking pot and going to movies and writing about it.
Ponce de León Attempts to Play Off Not Finding the Fountain of Youth as if the Whole Thing Had Been a Joke
Exploring is my thing. But joking around is my other thing. I'd like people to think of me as the fun conquistador.
Memorable Lines from Anti-Sniper Movies
My victims live on in my mind. I'd kill them again, but my own life is the only one I don't have the guts to take.
How to Write Poetry
Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you're nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can't afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.
Current Choix de Menu from the Café de Dictateur
Ho Chi Minestrone & Steamed Musselinis (en sauce à vin blanc)
A Horse with No Name: The Rolling Stone Oral History
Thirty-five years after it topped the charts, we take a look back at this enigmatic and influential hit with some of the biggest names in rock.
Surgeon General's Warnings (If Hawkeye Pierce Were Surgeon General)
Quitting smoking won't do a damn thing to stop this lousy war. So go ahead, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Cormac McCarthy on How to Write a Pulitzer Prize Winning Novel
The Pulitzer Prize-winning author extols the virtues of the Novel Writer Pro 2007.
Rove Over
Mr. Karl Rove, the Bush Administration's top scandal architect, is stepping down from his post to "
spend time with his family."
Karl Rove's Ringside Boasts by Michael Rottman
It ain't braggin' if you're a Republican.
Comments on Last Night's Orgy
Everyone looked great out there, grunting like pigs in heat on my couches, ottomans, and floor, but the night was also slightly marred by a handful of minor orgy no-nos that I'd like to bring to everyone's attention.
Selections from The Golden Girls Exhibit, Part I: The Old Masters
Selected masterworks from
The Golden Girls Exhibit, arriving at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art this September.
The Y.P.R. Gift Shop
Inspired by the inexplicably popular Ché Guevara T-shirt, Yankee Pot Roast proudly presents The Beatrice Arthur T-Shirt. Now, you too can proudly wear a portrait of acerbic countercultural revolutionary icon Bea Arthur on your chest.
Shirts are available in Men's S, M, L, XL, for just $15 (shipping & handling included). Please send an e-mail to
nick@yankeepotroast.org for order inquiries.
Nixon and Cookie Monster: The Friendship That Transformed America
Both had to struggle to present a favorable public image. Both had a ravenous personal hunger. Neither ever looked quite comfortable on TV, having a tendency to glance around furtively, and neither fully attained mastery over his own darker side.
Because I Wrestle Alligators: A Dickerson P. Cockley Adventure
I'm standing in line at the convenience store the other day when I notice someone staring at me. I'm immediately consumed by righteous anger, and grab for the garrote wire and fillet knife I always carry in a sling around my neck. Just as I'm about to put an end to this nosy fucker's busy, intrusive life, I notice she's a she, and very hot. I mean
hot, like hot enough to make you want to slice off your ear and mail it to her. Well, maybe not that hot. Someone else's ear then ...
Items Edited Out of Cooking Shows
Oh. My. God. Perhaps the worst-tasting thing I've ever put into my mouth, on purpose or otherwise ...
The Bourne Letters: Scranton, Pennsylvania, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Pennsylvania is a nondescript series of convenience stores, sleepwalking civilians, and gently rolling mountains. Should have picked up a magazine or a book or something at the bus depot. These guns take up all the room in my bag and aside from the medical kit and the electronic devices, the thing for jimmying doors, and the quarter stick of dynamite, plus the travel razor and that gel stuff that makes my cowlick turn down, there's hardly room for anything else.
The Unhappy Life of Johnny Zapfinger, the Boy Who Could Shoot Lightning from His Finger
Or else what? You'll use your lightning finger to fry me to a crisp? Or maybe you'll just give me a quick zap and teach me a lesson in humility that'll forever change my perspective on the narrow definition of what it means to be normal, and which will positively affect the way I'll interact with people from this day forward?
Safeway
I see you like Cream of Corn, which reminds me of a dream I had last night. Let's just say there was a lot of cream of corn everywhere. I will take your can of corn and buy it. I will go in the express lane and buy it really fast. I will leave the grocery store and you will see me drive off in my Mercedes Benz. Within a day or two I'll be back. I'll ask you on a date. I'll touch your buttocks. I'll punch your face in.
Too Stupid to Be President
Barack Obama (D-IL) explained romance for CNN viewers. "You love a woman the same way you grill a burger, Wolf. Till the juices run clear. Love her till the juices run clear."
20th Century Fox's New Christian Mini-Studio FoxFaith Announces Its Planned Releases For 2008
Created to meet America's rapidly growing demand for Christian-themed entertainment, FoxFaith is one of the most exciting recent additions to the 20th Century Fox family. Without further adieu, here is what Faithful filmgoers have to look forward to in 2008 ...
My Recent Rejection Slips, Rendered in the Same Manner in which Movie Advertisements Selectively Quote Reviews
"YOUR STORY DID ... MEET OUR STANDARDS..." --
American Literary Review "IT DOES ... MEET OUR EDITORIAL NEEDS ..." --
Redivider "... WE ENCOURAGE YOU ..." --
Carolina Quarterly ...
Bar Mitzvah Speech
A lot of people think that a thirteen-year-old boy is nothing more than a pimply boner-machine with a mouth full of orthodontia and a Web-porn addiction; and while the truth may be on their side, the Torah tells a different story...
Deleted Tales from Heinrich Hoffman's 1845 Der Struwwelpeter
Little Debbie loves to drink milk. One day while drinking milk, she spills on the floor. Her father scolds her while changing into a milkman costume. He mumbles something about going out for a pack of cigarettes before stepping out. Moments later, the Nasty Mean Dairyman dashes into the house and pokes Little Debbie's eyes out with his branding iron. Debbie spends her final days in darkness before succumbing to an ocular infection ...
Great Moments in Inkdom
Everyone should marvel at great works of literature, especially those composed in ink. Here are the more notable examples of writers who overcame great obstacles to see their ink in print ...
The Small-Loan Conman
After gaining his subjects' trust, he requests numerous unassumingly small, insignificant loans before disappearing into the night air forever. He is armed and extremely dangerous. These are the testimonies of just a few of his victims.
Rejected Submissions to Mother Goose's New and Improved Anthology of Classic Children's Nursery Rhymes
Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean. / And so betwixt the two of them / They died of malnutrition.
Things We Learned from Eunice and Marvin Weinstein after Buying Their Home in Suburbia
The lady across the street is Greek, but nice.
The young mother three doors down is not very outgoing. She hasn't spoken to the Weinsteins once. But if she's our friend, that's O.K.
That green house used to have lots of beautiful trees in front until Indians moved in ...
Other Children's Shows on Hamas TV
This week,
the Associated Press reported that the character
Farfour, a Mickey Mouse knockoff who preached anti-Western indoctrination on
Tomorrow's Pioneers, a Hamas-affiliated children's television program, was beaten to death in the final episode by an actor playing an Israeli soldier trying to buy Farfour's land. Here's a look at some other misappropriated American children's shows that have been transformed into juvenile propaganda.
Toy Stories
Michael Rottman & Jeff Szpirglas
With Michael Bay's take on the Transformers toy line almost certain to prove a summer smash, Hollywood has lined up a slew of blockbusters to cash in on the nostalgia for other bygone toys. Cultural critics Rottman and Szpirglas have screened advance copies of the latest projects coming soon to a theatre and Toys 'R' Us near you.
You Were Walking a Golden Retriever Crossing SE corner of 47th and 9th (Midtown West)
You're such a fast walker. I watch you every day from my apartment. Around 11:00 a.m. you walk your golden retriever by my window and your hair is always wet from the shower. Or do you take baths? No matter. Your dog is fat and well fed. I like that, someone who cares for animals. I don't have any animals. I had a rat, but it wasn't really a pet, and then my upstairs neighbor got a cat that pisses all over everything--it smells like ammonia--and since she got the cat, the rat went away. Such is life. Are you close to your folks? ...
Die Hard with a Typewriter
Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing by John Harnetiaux
Look, I'll level with ya: I'm not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let's get that fuckin' straight right now. Holly said something like, "John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more," and I was like, "What the shit you think I've been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!" ...
[ ... More!]
The Children's Last Best Hope
When building our Science Center, we didn't waste money courting the participation of big names in the fields of science and education, and we pass the savings on to you.
Sexual Frustrations in Your Town
--Twenty-nine years old, and Michael was still woefully inexperienced in the ways of love, having never caressed a woman's fully functioning pancreas ...
Diary of a Hollywood Script Reader by Charlotte Perkins Gilman
It is unfair that a perfectly innocent person be punished so. There is something creepy, almost haunting, about this office.
Indiana Jones IV: Four Scenarios
"Shia LaBeouf ... has signed to co-star alongside Harrison Ford in the fourth
Indiana Jones movie ... Online fans are guessing Indiana Jones will have a son for this go-round, but LaBeouf says he can't confirm such plot points." --
USA Today
Ennio Morricone Composes the Soundtrack of My Life
In this rare and illuminating look into the creative process of legendary soundtrack composer Ennio Morricone, exclusive excerpts from his work diary reveal the sublime genius of Il Maestro as he undertakes his most unusual and challenging project to date: composing a musical score to accompany the daily life of Phil Andersen, C.P.A.
Notes for Jane Austen's Helter Skelter
Chapter I -- The events must be universally acknowledged. A young man has taken Spahn Ranch.
How to Win at Pool
Becoming good at pool is a bit like taking a trip to a remote monastery somewhere in northern China. Not only does it take a lot of dedication, but let's face it--you won't be meeting any women for a while. You'll have to get used to the touch of a man's delicate flesh. And what better kind of manflesh is there than my pink, pudgy fingers gliding over this keyboard, typing a strategy out for winning at the ultimate American game?
How to Bluff Your Way Through a Heart Bypass
1. Whatever you do, stay calm. If you need to gird yourself with an affirmation, try screaming "STAY CALM" at top volume ...
Why You Will Like Me, Probably
Good afternoon. Of course, I realize that you could be reading this at any time of the day, but I'm wagering that it is indeed afternoon. If I'm wrong, so be it, but I'm the kind of person who always takes a firm stand on things, starting with the bold assertion of the introductory sentence. This sort of take-the-reigns, stand-your-ground, believe-in-yourself attitude is the first of many things that I think you will like about me, probably.
A Glimpse into the Troubled Stream of Consciousness of Henry Purvis, 37, Also Known in World of Warcraft as Torvak Redhammer, 67th-Level Warrior Dwarf
You consume a Half-Full Can of Dr. Pepper to restore 4 Hit Points.
You scratch Crotch of Disuse.
You equip Jeans of Girth.
You equip T-shirt of Yesterday +1 ...
Excerpts from 360-Degree Peer Review: Jack Bauer, Applebee's Assistant Manager
The following comments have been taken from the 360-degree peer review for Jack Bauer [Employee #22132] at Store 332, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. We provide these comments to you purely in the interest of self-improvement. You are a valuable part of the Applebee's team, and we hope you can use this feedback from your fellow employees to continue to make Applebee's America's neighborhood restaurant.
Paris Hilton Writes to Governor Schwarzenegger from Jail
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,
I write to you in my darkest hour hoping that you will be inspired to do the right thing. As a fellow celebrity, you should know what it's like to be persecuted because you are famous, and, in my case, hot ...
Entourage Chat Room
arygold666: hey E vince might not get the movie pls hold
[_E_]: O NOEZ WHAT R WE GOING TO DO DAMN TERTELZ QUIT SPENDING ALL THE MONEY WTF
Unwanted Ads
Adorable ragdoll kittens. We don't want any. Ever.
Are you hot? Sexy women, 18+, not needed by production company shooting dull crafting videos for export. If you've got what it takes and you'll do anything to make it, please reevaluate your life ...
When Presidents Dream
I'm standing in the Rose Garden. It's 1980 and I'm pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding ...
When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone
After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married in Munich.
All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Kindergarten Cop
Life lessons from the action-comedy-drama starring Penelope Ann Miller.
The Love Letters of Cintra Wilson and Dennis Miller
Babe-- So I watched your little Charlotte Rampling-
Night Porter-
China Syndrome meltdown along the information superhighway recently. I don't care what anyone says, while you were Lucy Liu-ing full throttle in the H.O.V. lane of political indignation like Lisa Nowak in a remake of
Vanishing Point ...
Ways in Which Tom Cruise Is Like Jesus Christ
1. Stereotypically Semitic facial features.
2. Low body fat.
3. Great with fans.
4. Has ambiguous, controversial relations with women.
5. Reads from right to left ...
Bastards of the Universe
Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of
Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.
A Letter from Survivor Producer Mark Burnett to the Networks on Bringing History Back to Life
My idea to racially segregate the teams on the recent season of
Survivor: Cook Islands was a success. It scored great ratings and made
Survivor a hot topic once again. The controversy surrounding it paid off, as controversy usually does in this business of television. Inspired, I have come up with the idea of using other shameful practices and periods of the past to update several popular reality shows.
R.I.P., K.V. Jr.
Yankee Pot Roast rewinds to the fall of 2005, when the Y.P.R. Book Club skimmed and parodied the complete works of everybody's favorite crotchety old curmudgeon, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom
F5: Earnestness checker
Ctrl- +: increases pathos
Ctrl- -: decreases pathos
Alt-H: Renders highlighted passage in veil of gentle yet poignant humor ...
Kim Kardashian and Ray J Sex Tape Transcript: Spoiler Warning
Ray: How about a little Sudoku? Got Will Shortz's new book. Shit's hard ...
A Walking Tour of St. Petersburg and Environs with Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
7 a.m.: Meeting place--N_____ office. Walk slowly along S. Place until you come to K. Bridge. Cross K. Bridge and walk all the way to V___ Prospect.
8 a.m.: Stop for breakfast at _____ Hotel ...
Reading Tips for Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day
Thomas Pynchon has written a new novel and everybody cares because it is big. Here are some tips for reading it ...
Vanity Fair Feature Ledes for 2007-8
Nigella Lawson, the Kennedy clan,
Details magazine, and the rise of China.
A Note from Donald Rumsfeld to Robert Gates on How to Win the Iraq War (After Watching All 92 Episodes of Tranzor Z)
As Secretary of Defense, I suggest you look into a couple of questions that remain in my mind and probably in yours: (1) How much does Transor Z cost? (2) Where could the Department could obtain some of this SuperAlloy Z, the superstrong material out of which Tranzor Z is made?
Ad Script for Masterpiece Theatre: The Game First-Person Shooter for the Xbox 360
GRAPHIC: Fly-over of game's 3D-rendered British countryside. Hills give way to valleys, rivers to glens. View settles on bustling 18th-century English town. Rock guitar riff ...
History Comes Alive at Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn!
See the past come out and say, "Hey ... what's up?" at Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn! Here are just some of the too-cool-for-the-museum attractions ...
Sunday Brunch with Arcade Fire
A dessert cart approaches the table and Régine attacks it with the straw end of a broom. Tim and Jeremy don Detroit Lions helmets and butt the cart until it capsizes. Tartes leak jelly filling across the carpet.
Happy Birthday, Penn Jillette!
Dear Penn, How do you do that trick where take away your assistant's vocal cords?
Happy Birthday, Chastity Bono!
Happy Birthday, Cher's daughter!
Happy Birthdays, John Irving and Tom Wolfe!
Dear John/Tom, I had a little extra time on my hands last week, so I swung by the bookstore and picked up your latest respective offerings.
Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs!
I filled my entire 60-gig iPod with Rick Astley originals and covers. It's all Rick all the time.
Form Letter Rejection from the Magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray
Unfortunately, your story idea does not meet our needs at this time. But it's super cool that you thought of us! Yum-O!
Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD
The audience is asked to look under their seats for garbage then urged to go to the bathrooms located at both the front and rear exits of the theatre to wash their hands.
Theatrical Terms and Trivia
A person who whistled in the theater ran the risk of drawing the unwanted attention of the sailor/stagehands, who would sexually assault the whistler and/or rob them for rum money.
Birth Announcement
Elliot has the distinction of sharing a birthday with greats the likes of Phillip Roth, Israeli Defense Minister Ariel Sharon, and centimillionaire stock speculator Michael Milken, whose high yield bonds are responsible for the purchase of my wife's second Audi.
crapbooking!
Gue which one of my key i broken?
Disquieting Modern Trends: Not So Super Bowl Edition 2007
First, a wildly temperate winter in which it felt like Al Gore was lecturing all of North America about carbon emissions. Now: the frozen tundra. Frozen tundra? Are we ready for some football?
Vaguely Valentines
Presenting some of the earliest ever Valentines, unearthed from the 1820s.
Two Romantic Poems
Better than a heart-shaped box.
Valentine's Day Massacre
Unrequited Love from Y.P.R.'s Past
My One and Only
Do you remember me, Kara? I remember you. You shone with the light of 1000 halos, probably because you were standing under a lamppost.
Letter of Directions
If you're reading this, either I'm dead or you inadvertently discovered the combination to the floor safe that I hid behind the furnace. If it's the latter, it would probably be best to put everything back as you found it, lock up the safe and walk away ...
Disquieting Modern Trends: Meta-Holiday Edition
The Growing Preponderance of Gift Cards | The Increasing Mainstreaming of the Golden Globe Award | The Frightening Collision of Rival New Year's Eve Shows Now That THE BIG DOG's New Year's Rockin' Eve Is Very Nearly (Merely) Mortal | People Talking About How College Football Bowl System Should Be Different
Neil Strauss: Updated Notes on The Game for Astronauts
1. Never take no for an answer. When faced with potential competition, especially in a dangerous A.L.T. (Astronaut Love Triangle), the A.F.C. (Average Frustrated Chump) will fold; but the P.U.A. (Pick-Up Artist)--man or woman--will try to annihilate the competition ...
Now That I'm an International Jewel Thief
Greetings from the French Riviera. That's right. The postmark is real. I've gone ahead and done it. I've become an international jewel thief, just as I said I would. Remember how you roared with delight the first time I admitted this secret desire of mine ...
Potty Cam
Mr. Josh Abraham, humble coëditor of this journal and director of the film
American Standard, is featured in a short behind-the-scenes article in the Movies section of this week's
New York Magazine, where he describes the challenges of shooting in the potty.
Some Editorial Changes
OmniHouse is making some changes as we continue our losing battle against the more immediate joys of iPods and PlayStation 3 shooter-games.
Design Notes for the Richard Ford "Existence Period" Roller Coaster in Haddam, New Jersey
With the dignity of a man who has become adept at the art of camouflaging the deeper scars of life's skirmishes, a passenger of a range mass of 40 kg-120 kg will enter the car that resembles a fire-wreathed, smoke-snorting everyman--a small perversity it's best to take with an open heart, for it says we perhaps are, all together, damned, and a shared, morose humor will be our only comfort.
An American Casanova in New York, by Balthus Poindexter: A Reading Group Guide
1. Describe Pontius Boulevard. What kind of a character is he? Is the reader allowed to get inside his mind, or is it difficult to discern what he's thinking? Can
anyone tell what he's thinking? Does his name sound to you a bit like "pompous blowhard"?
My Court-Ordered Apology
To the people of Cheyenne, Wyoming, I am sorry for ruining your beloved Frontier Days Parade. I should have known that my unauthorized float--Rootin' Tootin' Whores of the Wild, Wild West--would rub some people the wrong way.
"Is that it?" He screamed at me. "You had enough?" 
