The Ghosts of Christmas Past
Some Christmas features from the Y.P.aRchives.
Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist "Mother Wisdom" and a Disgruntled Reader
I'd like to pass along a little Christmas blessing I just learned: "May you bleed from your eyes as you service our dark master."
Frosty's Lament
Like burnt-out coals, no longer live,
My snow blind eyes will not revive ...
The Case of the London Terrorists
Only yesterday, Holmes had solved the Case of the Parliamentarian Who Thought Invading Iraq Was a Crime, a task that called for him to join the Respect Party for a fortnight, and my friend was as exhausted as I had ever seen him.
Famous Comics Speak Out on Handling Hecklers
Seinfeld, Cosby, Dane Cook, Robin Williams, Sarah Silverman, Larry the Cable Guy, Lewis Black, and Yakov Smirnoff on how to handle guff from the audience.
Teri Hatcher Wants John Bolton to Know That She Once Suffered a Career Slump, Too
Listen, I heard that you were basically fired from the United Nations. I'm really sorry. A world without John Bolton would be like a sky without sun, or a
Desperate Housewives without Teri Hatcher.
The Day I Interviewed Lloyd Dobler
"Lloyd!" I exclaimed. "What are you doing in America? Why would you want to be a paralegal? What happened to your kickboxing career?"
In Your Eyes
EY SWEETIE, it's me. I just got on the train, but I'm calling to let you know that, well, I'm not coming home. Obviously I would prefer not to do this on your voicemail, but the truth is I don't...
Magician Doug Henning Has Something on His Mind
We didn't stand around in artsy-fartsy suits and use flimsy mirrors to do our tricks. No, we used real tigers and really huge tanks of water. We had the
cojones to walk around in skintight rainbow-colored bodysuits. We had long manes of hippie hair and huge manly moustaches that barely hid our buck-teeth.
You Are Cordially Invited ...
... to the in-game wedding of Adelexia Junehopper and Griffin Excelsior this Saturday at the Imperium Colossi Guildhouse on Server 41.
One Amateur Writer's In-Depth Analysis Of A First Grader's Creative Writing Exercise
This is easily and undoubtedly the greatest story ever written. It has everything: drama, suspense, letters, different letters--no literary stone is left unturned!
Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Languor Is Broken by the Crumbling of Society (Cha-Cha) Edition
We have been rather moribund lately. Languorous and lazy, we--like food-addled Thanksgivers on the couch watching football, counting our blessings rather than our calories. Like a great dirigible lazing in its mooring above the Illinois countryside, it seems the updraft of cultural excess and folderol was just sufficient to buffet us slightly, make us tug gently against the lines, but never really break free.
The Iceman You Didn't Hear About
In 1999, two American tourists left Amsterdam abruptly. In a matter of hours, they were snowboarding in the French Alps "catching air over bumps" as they later dictated to police. Protruding from the base of one icy bump was a human hand.
Unacceptable
I've been forced to imagine for myself how Ms. Coulter's love tunnel became infested with seething, slithering ophidians.
Samuel Pepys Visits the Wisconsin Dells
The 17th-century diarist tours America's Dairyland.
A Moral Pharmacist
The Bible clearly says, "Be fruitful and multiply." Because of state law, I cannot sell fruits, but I can sell any other items to allow my customers to multiply: soda, pork rinds, chips, and candy.
Gobble, Gobble
We hope that you all have wonderful holidays and we know that they will be made more wonderful by the attached recipe for Pumpkin Pie.
Good Times, Bad Times
Although I am generally not a fan of the so-called broadsheet format, I was willing to give this publication a try. Sadly, it failed to meet my basic journalistic standards on almost every count.
Ruined Music
Our friend and frequent Y.P.R. contributor
Mary Phillips-Sandy is in the news for offering a place to share stories of music once beloved and now forsaken.
If Mice Could Speak
Glue traps would continue to wane in popularity. There would be at least ten swear words for "cat." They would cringe in embarrassment every time Mickey opened his mouth. Lab scientists would need really thick skin. White mice would be...
Selected Letters from Peter Cook's Correspondence with Dudley Moore, 1967-1995
Dear Dud, Just got back from the studio,
Bedazzled is a go. What's all this about Blakey Edwards?
Fashion Preview: Four Styles You Should Expect to See Hipsters Wearing This Fall
Maintaining inverse symmetry with the neoconservatives, your politically and fashion-savvy hipster will be donning a
galabiyya this fall.
How Various Michael J. Fox Roles Would Be Different Had Rush Limbaugh Instead Been Cast
Fresh-faced newcomer Rush Limbaugh gets his big break and beats out an unknown Michael J. Fox for the role he "was born to play"--Alex P. Keaton, a money-minded Reagan Republican raised by two former hippies.
Give Us Treats
If the children wanted raisins, they could just hold out for Hanukkah at their grandparents' house.
Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen's First Day at Vanity Fair Online
9 a.m. - 9:45 a.m.Pep talk from Graydon Carter in his office. Wonders quietly about his repeated use of the phrase "
J-school," and whether he means
journalism school or if he is referencing
Jews.
Phil Keoghan Shakes Things Up at the Mat
Brendan and Rachel, you're the ugliest team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you you've been edited out of
The Amazing Race.
This Monday--A Very Special Evening Full of Fright, Bea, and Literary Buffoonery
Once again, Yankee Pot Roast is teaming up with the comedic genius lunatics at
Drink at Work to bring you a night of short comic readings, booze, an unhealthy Bea Arthur fixation and another awesome performance by local sketch heroes (and finalists in The Great Sketch Experiment)
Elephant Larry!
The Warning Label I Recently Neglected to Read
Trim wick to ¼ of an inch even if finding your scissors will require you to open that scary junk drawer next to the sink.
A Birthday Card from Chuck Palahniuk
You wake up in a cheap hotel on a mattress still sticky with the night before. Sweat. Booze. Semen. Vomit. Blood, maybe.
Everything Is My Everything
It's hard to believe but this month's issue of
Packrat Today, the very one you now hold in your hands, marks our 20th anniversary.
About the Artist
He is a jack of all media but clearly a master of none.
Letter to Chris Noth: "Mr. Big," "Detective Logan," and Owner of N.Y.C.'s Cutting Room
I was totally digging that 10' by 15' painting of you hung over the door. I liked how it was you, but younger. And thinner. With more hair. I thought that was cool.
36 Hours: Penn Station
Beneath the teeming streets of the City That Never Sleeps is a bustling subterranean microcosm inhabited by aspiring vacationers and weary commuters aching to make their connections via the extensive network of subways and railroads.
William Shakespeare's "Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel"
The apparition of a serpent coiled
Doth churn my blood to pure reptilian chill.
Would that I grasped these wretched asps ...
Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Prescience Frightens Us Edition
Little did we know, friends, that when we dropped goofy little Footnote #2 in our most recent missive, we were setting off a series of events that would shake up the world of what still passes for entertainment these days. We feel compelled to review the bidding and offer you--our ever-salivating-for-more public--a response commensurate to our position as cultural provocateurs
à la mode.
Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Charles Dickens' Bleak House, Starring the Gremlins
Welcome to another evening of
Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we have a special event--an adaptation of the classic novel
Bleak House by Charles Dickens ... portrayed by the Gremlins from the 1984 motion picture.
An Excerpt from Gotcha! The 500 Best Practical Jokes for Amputees
... and while the mark is wiping her face on her shirt, with the prosthesis in your clean hand, simply wink and say, "Gotcha!"
Coming Soon(-ish)
Mr. Josh Abraham, your humble coëditor, had been mostly absent from this site for much of the past year, busy making a moving picture (or "talkie" as the kids are calling them these days)...
Dear K-Fed
In Which Kevin Federline Responds to Readers' Questions and Concerns, Providing Tidbits of His Own Homespun Wisdom
Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion
In order to convert fluid ounces to milliliters in Poland--and most of Eastern Europe--the converter must acknowledge the existence of one and only one true form of gauging weights and measures, the Metric System, through which all things are weighed and measured. He must lovingly accept the Metric System into his heart and believe wholly and sincerely in that Blessed Trinity of measurement, the Liters, the Meters, and the Holy Grams.
A Memo From Your Pollster
Since you're a no-spin kind of person, I'll get right to the point. You face some significant challenges.
Strategy Guide for Capcom's Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors
Stephen King is a fast-moving combatant, capable of unleashing a flurry of pages from his chest-mounted typewriter. Newbies will be intimidated by King's prolific output. Remember that King's attacks look terrifying but become less effective the more frequently they are used.
Op-Ed Recipe
The following ingredients make one serving of old-fashioned newspaper opinion column or two shorter helpings of op-ed pieces.
Corollaries to Godwin's Law
"As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."
Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work
Slit your wrists with a Post-it. Be sure to use the non-sticky side, you don't want that strange gummy material re-sealing your wounds
Money-Making Secrets--Revealed!!!
I made $28,000 with only ONE HOUR of work in my spare time!
Y.P.R. Print Update
Many, many inquiries... too few fingers. Here's the update you've all been waiting for. We're nailing down the specifics for Issue #1, and we'll be opening up the floodgates for Issue #2 shortly. Bear with us....
Disquieting Modern Trends: Things That Should Work Better in an Age of Unprecedented Technological Mastery and Yet, Maddeningly, Do Not Edition
Nail Clippers | Solvents | Cellphones, Cellphone VoiceMail, Basically the
Entire Telecom Promise of Constant and Immediate Connection | The Fact That You No Longer Have to Sign Your
Credit Card Slips Which Suggests That, in Fact, You Never Really Had to Sign the Damned Things at All Even Though, for Years, They Made It Seem Like You Absolutely DID | Microwave Ovens
Dear Mr. Cigarette
Look, Mr. Cigarette, I'm jumpy as a motherfucker, I'm going to use some of this insane energy to clean my bathroom. Take a breather for a second. I'll be back . . . Bathroom clean, dishes done, laundry in the hamper. Right on!
¡Los Bastardos Anónimos!
From the Y.P.R. mailbag: SUBJECT: what the hell man you stole my internet name I am so frikin mad I am going to eat this whole bag of cheetos and cry in my closet GOD! just kinda felt the urge...
Disquieting Modern Trends: We Do More Than Watch Nip/Tuck till 3 a.m. (Seriously, We Do) Edition
If you've been following this column with any regularity at all, then we imagine you can picture us pretty accurately: two bald yet notably virile men glistening with up-to-date cultural consciousness, simultaneously watching four video screens that are tapped into a satellite network of both mainstream and marginal entertainment, listening to obscure podcasts, perusing the hottest "blogs" and YouTubing in a smaller corner window -- all while reflexively turning away the namby-pamby advice of our pollsters and media consultants and being served Dim Sum on the naked bellies of our harem of no-longer virginal Indonesian female mathematicians.
Continue reading...
here.
Wedding Weekend ... Sha La La La
This past weekend saw Y.P.R.'s own Geoff Wolinetz get hitched to the lovely and talented Jennifer Monatlik.
Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot
It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.
Better Buy a Bea. They're Buttah!
The first non-CafePressed Bea Arthur T-shirts are now available and they're marvelous.b
Tell 'Em How You Really Feel
The Wedding Lasts Five Hours ... The Resentment Lasts a Lifetime
Quiz: Are You Curious?
One lazy Sunday afternoon, a man you've never met before arrives at your front door and claims to be your real father. What do you say to him?
David Sedaris Rules the World
As I stood awkwardly at the front of the room with my AK-47, I suddenly felt like a theremin player at marching band practice.
Back from the Dead and Desperate for Cash, Charles Bukowski Tries to Write a Chick Lit Novel
It was Angie's first day at the hippest fashion magazine in the city. She stood outside her boss's door, waiting for the courage to knock. Her U.C.L.A. friends said she was wasting her time working for a mag, but Angie knew better. They were just a bunch of bitchy dykes bent on dragging her down. Filthy whores living in their cotton-pressed hell ...
Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems
You don't have to rhyme all the time, motherfucker.
North Korea Furthers Its Demands
The Gorgeous and Athletic Kim Jong-Il is an avid aficionado of Monster Trucks, despite his otherwise ferocious anti-American sensibilities.
Bea Arthur, Booze, Hilarity ... August 28th Is Gonna Rock!
August 28th, 2006 will live in infamy … if you don’t drink so much you can’t remember it, that is.
King Arthur: The Syndicated Adventures
13 original episodes of hot, contemporary, youth-oriented Arthurian adventure, booking now for syndicated television markets worldwide.
Mother Goose Talks ... Things
Mother Goose rhymes on fire safety, nuclear accidents, and food poisoning.
Sorry, But I Just Can't Marry a Woman That Doesn't Look Hot on the JumboTron
I just finished watching the replay of my proposal in dynamic, pixelated high resolution and I've got to tell you: I made a JumboTron-size mistake.
Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies
Analogy: If an 18-year-old girl is like a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, then a sexy middle-aged woman is like ____.
Ferris Bueller Fills In for The New York Times Magazine's Ethicist
Remember--the question isn't "what you are going to do with a fake day off from work", it's "what aren't you going to do?"
Profiles from Don'tDowryHimGirl.com
Gentlewomen, be wary! While Thomas may look dapper in his fine suit and hat, underneath this affable exterior lies the heart of a demon!
Excerpts from The Burning Bonnet: A Tale of Love and Longing Amongst the Amish
Sarah ran to Ezekiel, threw herself into his arms, and buried her face in the wooly depths of his beard, which was still redolent of the beet harvest.
Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel
It's fuckin' sick, bro. We got a summer weather pattern happening all across the South and West. 96 in Dallas, 98 in Montgomery, ONE HUNDRED in Atlanta--so ice down that beer, ya know what I mean?
DIGGIN' IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of bread you want for your sandwich and I pick it out for you! I squeeze it with my hands to make sure it is fresh.
DIGGIN' IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004
An obviously drunk Trent Lott (R-MS) concludes by dropping his pants and shouting, "Amend THIS!" He then passes out.
Well, I Thought You'd Never Ask!
Dale Dobson declares Hilary's "Drop Your Pants" the most risqué recording ever broadcast over the public airwaves.
Donny Most, Happy Days' Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail
I had to call Henry Winkler to get your number, because the one that I had for you was out of service.
Swear? You Shouldn't Swear, Young Man.
Dale Dobson recalls the long-forgotten "Swear."
A Reading from the Book of Genesis
And God said, "Let there be Sonic the Hedgehog."
Now That's Some Scary Shit
Ces Marculiano is unafraid of "So Afraid of the Russians," the completely forgettable para-prop* track by the completely forgettable Made for TV.
*
Paranoia/Propagana
Excerpt from George Romero's New Book of Daily Affirmations
You're the world's most overworked nurse and your morning is spent watching your family fall prey to the rampant Zombie Sickness. Your undead husband almost rips your throat out in the bathroom.
Enough with the Promises Already
Dale Dobson renegs on Naked Eyes' "Promises, Promises"
The Alcoholic Beverages of Planet Earth
Beer is the most popular alcoholic beverage on earth, responsible for temporary friendships, questionable pieces of ass, and the destruction of the familial unit since its integration into the human lifestyle.
Disquieting Modern Trends: The "Branding" Edition
The lounge and waiting room here at D.M.T. Plaza has a 72-inch plasma screen that runs nothing but our favorite ads, night and day, so rich is the American imagination for the finest sorts of hucksterism and extreme con-jobbery.
Damn, That's Hott
"Sexy & 17" by The Stray Cats from the album Rant 'n' Rave with The Stray Cats Fourth week in July, 1983 The 1950s are seemingly always good for a comeback, whether it's through the musical Grease, the nostalgia band...
The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia
In an effort to protect our nation's youth and empower them with knowledge, the C.D.C. sought the perfect spokeswomen to reach these young girls before they came to harm. The Disney Princesses were the only logical choice.
Jesus' Standup Act
Little is known of the life of Christ between childhood and His later emergence as a serious public speaker. Until now, as indicated by this recently unearthed transcript.
Really, Who Doesn't Like Balloons?
Ces Marcuiliano translates "99 Luftballons"
Come On Down and Wear Your Influences on Your Sleeve
Dale Dobson recalls the Apple ][ game
Lemonade Stand, thanks to the Alarm's single.
The U.S.A. Patriot Act ... (The Fine Print)
Freedom of Pantomime shall replace freedom of speech as the First Amendment to the Constitution until further notice.
He Wrote the Book Which Makes Him ... Well ... Awesome
Everyday, Will Layman rewrites Elvis Costello's book.
Self-Justification
I become frustrated when my family calls me a dirty liar because they of all people should know that I bathe once (sometimes twice) a day.
Send the Kids to the Neighbors and Lock the Doors!
That's right, the deadline has come and gone for submissions for Y.P.R.'s first ever print edition. Now it's time for us to lock ourselves in a room with all this paper and summon the courage to read through everything without...
Major Tom, Shootin' Star
Dale Dobson counts down to Major Tom's re-entry.
What's Attacking You?
Are you reading
The New York Times in a reclined position on a beach, idly sipping a cool, refreshing glass of pink lemonade? If so, you are not under attack. You are enjoying a relaxing afternoon at the beach. Otherwise, proceed to Question 2.
Celebrate Your Independence, Take Care of Your Digits
The founding fathers of Y.P.R. would like to take this moment to celebrate long weekends with no day jobs, literary tomfoolery, and the last call for submissions for Y.P.R. Print! Bring us your tired, your dirty, your utterly hilarious....
Poets' Ghosts at Giants Games
As the spring rain falls, / shrinking in it, on the roof / are Barry Bonds' balls.
Wittgenstein: The Crank Calls
The legendary philosopher wants to know if your refrigerator is running.
Forthcoming Novels Titled with the White-Hot Suffix "-Ist"
The following is a survey of soon-to-be-published novels titled with the increasingly faddish "-ist" formula (à la David Maine's
The Preservationist, Hari Kunzru's
The Impressionist, James P. Othmer's
The Futurist, Martha Cooley's
The Archivist, Colson Whitehead's
The Intuitionist, Donald Antrim's
The Verificationist, Stephen Glass's
The Fabulist, and Peter Rock's
The Ambidextrist, to name but a few).
The Da Vinci Bandwagon
Michael Rottman & Jeff Szpirglas
Other conspiracy-laden historical epics soon to be lining bookstore shelves and spinning through theatre projectors.
Call for Shreek Writers!
Have you been reading and following the Shreek of the Week of the Day? No? My goodness, go wash your eyes out with soap this instant. Then come back and be prepared for Shreek of the Week of the Day...
The Drug Diaries of Oscar Hammerstein II
Big party at the house. Lots of grass passed around, crazy shit--dancers singing, actors dancing. Rodgers thinks why the fuck not, it could work.
Just Trying to Be the Best Me I Can Possibly Be: Talking Points
I now realize a television cannot be fixed with a simple application of margarine and crushed cinder blocks, but I want you to know that I believed with all my heart that it could.
Announcements From the Flight Deck
If you're on the left side of the plane, you're in for a treat. You folks can see Bazaar, Kansas, where Knute Rockne and seven other folks died in a plane crash in that third wheat field to the left over there.
Sometimes, at Work, I Feel Like Maybe I'm Being Singled Out ...
Acceptable personal hygiene, which should be obvious to someone who is 26 years of age, should be practiced at all times in the workplace.
Wolfman Taps ... Or Something
"Wolfman Tap" eludes Dale Dobson.
Dear Diary ... You Stink
Dale Dobson reads Yaz's "Diary"
The MLAB Preview 2006: The Scouting Report from the Major League of Anabolic Baseball
Spring has come again, which means another great season of America's jacked-up pastime!
Modern-Day Explorers
Hanging from the Golden Gate Bridge by the marble hook handle of my umbrella, I look dead in the eyes of the man who would steal credit for my life's work. I yell up at him: "Vasco would be ashamed of you!"
Doctor... WHOOP, WHOOP... Detroit
The happiest song ever made about Detroit.
The Elephant and I
Though he would have you believe otherwise, my growing distaste for the bastard has nothing to do with him being an elephant and a large one at that.
Do I Smell Something Burning?
Elizabeth Koch burns down the house.
Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga
In this explosive début of the film series that would mesmerize a generation, Barry Bonds--Agent 0025--emerges as the inimitable and sometimes choleric slugger who, despite his old age, so-called bad attitude, and unfairly pegged reputation for "cheating," miraculously crushes baseball record after baseball record amidst a never-ending critical onslaught from jealous peers, racist officials, and playa-hating fans.
Next Time, Maybe I'll Knock
Todd Zuniga digs up memories of "Every Breath You Take"
Super Producer Rick Rubin Mulls His Next Move
Rick Rubin, his trademark beard cascading to his lap, sits in the L.A. office of American Recordings, surrounded by gold records, Grammys, and empty Chinese takeout boxes. He grits his teeth and rests his chin in his folded, knuckled hands.
Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
Please make a note: Print Submissions are due June 30th and that's sooner than you think. The days fly by. It's true; we checked....
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Website that has gone on vacation for a bit and won't be posting until Tuesday. Website that has gone on vacation for a bit and won't be posting until Tuesday who? Website that has gone on vacation for...
Fear Not, Shreeks Aren't Dead, They're ... Resting
Dear Readers, Thank you for your patience while we wait to post our next Shreek of the Week of the Day. Unfortunately, we are stuck on the Police and their tune "Every Breath You Take". We're hanging on to this...
Barely Awake
The bear started sniffing, then it sniffed more, and finally it stopped sniffing and spoke again, this time in a British accent. "Chap, I hate to say this, but I smell some bloody salmon here."
Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray
In late 2005, Ray signed a deal with Oprah Winfrey and King World Productions to host a syndicated daytime TV talk show in fall 2006.
Non-Celebrity Gawker Stalker
Saw
Erica Richards, paralegal I went out on two dates with three years ago, outside Film Forum screening of "Tsotsi" on Sunday afternoon with scruffy Strokes-ish guy who looked like maybe her boyfriend.
The Sheldon Prison Experiment
On my 30th birthday, I found myself out-of-work, without a girlfriend, unmarried, and living at my parents'. I was drinking at least three bottles of peppermint schnapps every day and sitting in bubble baths, trying to imagine myself happily ensconced in a hot tub in a remote ski cabin outside of Zermat.
We'd Like to Pre-Board
If you can spot the Air Marshal at any point during the flight, ring the flight attendant and win a free drink or 5000 frequent-flier miles if you are under 21.
What Real Salads Are Made Of
In this week's installment of Tangential Stupidity at Drink at Work, Y.P.R.'s Nick Jezarian discusses why Field Greens salads are nothing but a crock--a crock of leafy, greeny, bitter leaves. Shame on you, chefs, shame on you!...
When You Die--Ten Scenarios
John Leary & J. Chris Rock
There is no hell. There is only heaven and "pirated heaven." In pirated heaven, the dialogue is out of sync, the scenes are all jerky and God is played by Tom Arnold.
Tomato and Black-Capped Chickadees Love
Mary Phillips-Sandy wishes she were Kate Pierson.
Clouds: Important!
Day after day we flit about our lives and pay little attention to these fluffy airships.
The Sad Clown of Death Sings
Annie Lennox freaks out a young Elizabeth Koch.
The Goonies' Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen Prepares His Cover Letter for an M.F.A. in Creative Writing
Oh, c'mon you guys, let me in, seriously! My cousin Gerry said the program was really fun and that you can write stories and stuff, and that if you're really good the school will, like, give you money that he said this was a sti... a stip... money that you can use for anything like pizza or Baby Ruths or--AHH SHIT!!!
Fascinating, That Fascination Is
The Human League's "Fascination" fascinates Dennis DiClaudio.
C.S.I.: The Lost Franchises
Visit
C.S.I.s: Reno, Utah, France, et al.
A Recently Divorced Movie Critic Reviews the Latest Films
Say what you want about how terrible this movie is, but at least Sharon Stone still makes an effort to look sexy, Lorraine.
Love. Sweet!
Gladstone declares "Modern Love" a miniature poodle in a sweater.
A Knick Fan Laments
Mid afternoon on Wednesday, February 22nd, Isiah Thomas ruined my entire week.
Summer Youth Reading List
Pokémon Down! A military submarine is invaded by Pikachu and friends in Tom Clancy's first book for children.
We're Gonna Rock Down to Psychosis
Dennis DiClaudio on "Electric Avenue"
Street Meats, It's the Meats of the Streets
Come check out the newest from the creators of Yankee Pot Roast.
StreetMeats.com, All Sports, All New York.
Rock, Paper, Scissors Redux
Rock regards scissors with the purity of its purpose and confidence in its success--rock crushes, and rock will crush again.
Church of the Musical Clusterf*ck
Mary Phillips-Sandy uncovers the dark secret behind Boy George's "Church of the Poisoned Mind." (
No, the other
darl secret. Silly!
That's An Excellent Question. Let Me Get Back To You.
Mick Stingley ponders "Is There Something [He] Should Know?"
Disquieting Modern Trends: Things We No Longer Think Are Disquieting, "Maybe It Doesn't All Suck" Edition
Have we become so absorbed with declaiming That Which Is Not Right that we can no longer celebrate That Which Most Definitely IS Right or, dare we say, That We Which We Once Thought Disquieting, But Now Realize Is Not?
Lifetime: Television For Women Original Movies in Development for Fall/Spring 2006/2007
A battered wife (Baxter-Birney) exacts revenge on her abusive husband with the business end of a revolver blah blah blah yawn.
Scooby Dooby Kajagoogoo
Ces Marcuiliano tries to describe "Too Shy."
Fast-Food Sit Down
Subject under surveillance Ronald "Mickey D" McDonald was observed in conference with Louie "The Burger" King.
So? So, Let's Dance!
Gladstone recalls the beginning of Bowie's end.
Unspoken Word Performance
So I'm down at the local public house enjoying a pint after a hard day's work. It's deserved. It's dessert.
A Love Letter
I need you to know that I am here, waiting-- waiting and watching. Your husband is a burly man with a tragic sense of fashion and a hurried air, but in him I recognize a worthy foe.
How Looooooooong?
How long must we sing "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?
Rockin' In Iraq
They play Britney Spears, who is also bad music but I have seen pictures of and is a hot bitch. Why she is with the Kevin Federline, Allah only knows.
Inspired by Sean Combs, Musicians Rush to Launch Fragrances
A breathtaking fragrance that says sexy, rich, unique, and passionate. The soul of Unforgivable is slightly dangerous and explosive, yet cool. "Life without passion is unforgivable."
Ear Harvest
Ten weeks later I come back and the apartment looks a lot worse; for the sake of brevity all I'll say is there are pizza stains on the wall.
Gutenberg? Spinning In His Grave
Y.P.R. is expanding into the world of print. Want to be a part of it? Go ahead and read this. Then, submit....
Tears for Fears... and Good Charlotte's Relevance
Ces Marciuliano on Tears for Fears, with a Monchhichi reference to boot.
Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Moronic Online Lit Journal to Go Print! Unsinkable Boat Hits Iceberg! Extra!
Ladies, gentlemen, and those of indeterminate origin: Yankee Pot Roast, the literary journal of humor and satire (and the website at which you're currently looking), is preparing for the introductory issue of our brand-spanking-new PRINT EDITION (tentatively titled, Yankee Pot...
Vampires Suck on Broadway. Truly.
Guest poster Jeff DF reviews the play
Lestat: "A steaming pile of horseshit."
Tangential Stupidity
Your humble editor Nick Jezarian has been a contributor for Drink at Work but recently the site's masterminds, Ces Marciuliano and Carol Hartsell, mistook him for someone who deserves a weekly column. Don't tell the Drink at Work fools about...
It's Electric!
Make a circuit with the Polecats.
If the Neoconservatives Had Been Dentists
Latest generation of laser-guided weapons available with "extra whitening formula."
Dear Kind and Patient Readers
While one-third of our editorial juggernaut begins principal shooting on his first motion picture, two-thirds of us were away on a long vacation, and as such, you've noticed things have been reasonably bare around here. As always, we're sorry for...
If the Brill Building Had Instead Housed a Law Firm
You have lost, misplaced, or destroyed that loving feeling, either through negligence or accident, and that all related agreements are gone, null, void, and whoa.
Unintentionally Bitch Slapped into Reality by Big Head Caps
Since the article titled
"My Huge Head" first appeared on YankeePotRoast.org back in April of 2003, I've gotten a handful of emails regarding it. There was the one from a man named Cleveland who shared my plight and wanted to compare cranium sizes (he had a 62cm melon himself).
Big Brass Bunny Band
In no way are the Jungle Bunnies, the Big-Nose Family, Gimpo Rabbit, or the Busy Bunny Cousins meant to reinforce negative or derogatory stereotypes.
David Mamet Channels Aristophanes
The Fucking Birds and Other Comic Plays.
You'll Always Be a Part of Me
Naked Eyes rip off Burt Bacharach.
Ordering Fast Food in the Age of the Statistically Challenged
"Surely not the beef burger? Bovine spongiform encephalopathy--mad cow disease, you know."
Table For Two (Morons)
Putting aside the egregious health code violation ...
Missus Magazine
The Men's Magazine for Women.
Edgar Allen Poe Tells "The Aristocrats"
To an agent's office, a man walked in, ear to ear with a delighted grin
And said, I have the most outstanding act standing right outside your door ...
Out for Justice
"A Golfer Rings Steven Seagal's Doorbell ..." by Geoff Wolinetz over at Cracked....
Will Pimp for Props
Got a band, a Web site, a book, a store, a clothing line, or anything else to promote? We need to dress dozens of N.Y.C. apartments for our film, American Standard, and would be happy to feature whatever props you...
Hide, Seek
Jon attempts to play hide and seek with Garfield. He has fun, the cat doesn't....
Paul Stanley Summarizes the Tragedies of William Shakespeare During Between-Song Banter from the 1977-78 KISS Alive II Tour
Assembly CenterTulsa, Oklahoma, January 26, 1977 Paul: Yeah! You all are crazy, Tulsa! I think ... I think ... I think Tulsa might be the craziest place we played ON THIS TOUR. That's right, Tulsa! You know what gets...
Video Killed The Y.P.R. Star
"The Ausherman Stories" by Stephen Ausherman have been filmed, edited and posted over at Mr. Ausherman's site. Please head over and check them out. Bring a kugel. And tuck your shirt in....
Welcome to the Machine
Welcome to the Vending Machine! I'm Brown & Haley Almond Roca from E4, and I head up the Community Board.
I'm Deeply Sorry
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to not a few folks in my life whom I've doubtlessly troubled with my thoughtlessness and penchant to plumb fuck things up.
I'm Totally into American Idol
Who am I to judge these people? The closest that I've come to singing a solo on stage was when I played the Rabbi in my high school's production of
Fiddler on the Roof.
Once There Was a Day
"Let Me Go" by Heaven 17 from the album The Luxury Gap Third week of December, 1982 These little passages that we attach to these Shreek generally either invoke a memory or some interpretation of the song or even something...
Brecht & Weill's Annie
A black, empty stage. Lights up on Annie, a bruised and battered orphan girl whose cataract-stricken eyes have no visible pupils. Around her, other abandoned girls sleep fitfully on the dirty sweatshop floor as she sings
Read to the Death
Tonight your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will read to the death at The Sweet Fancy Moses Literary Death Match Monday, March 13, 2006, 7:30 p.m. The Back Room, New York City, N.Y. 102 Norfolk St. @ Delancey St. (212) 228-5098...
Make That "Borrow"
"Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches" by Teddy Wayne "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You" by Zev Borow, The New York Times, Sunday, March 5, 2006 . . . Anyway, more Academy Award related stuff: "Acceptance Speech" by Michael J. Ewing "The...
And the Winner Is ...
Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will be reading with Dennis DiClaudio at the Me Three Oscar Bash this Sunday, March 5 at 7 p.m. It will take place at Croxley's Ale House at 28 Avenue B in Manhattan. If you...
Porn sans Sex
TV Repairman: I'm here to fix your TV ...
Don't Turn Around
Gladstone on "Der Kommissar".
Paging David Blaine...
Right now, the operations department is desperately trying to get Jim Davis on the horn. The people need to know what actually transpired in today's strip. In one panel, there's a cookie and Jon is politely offering to share it...
The Other Side of Yuck
"The Other Side of Love" by Yazoo, from (we think) the single, "The Other Side of Love" First week of December, 1982 Imagine the sweetly infectious synth beat of Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough", except instead of Martin Gore's...
The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday
Look out, Eve Ensler, and move over, Madonna--there's a new girl in town who loves vaginas--and her name is Dr. Carol Schiffman.
Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center
WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! It's Al's Bait Shop's twelfth annual LIQUIDATION EXTRAVAGANZA IMPOSSIBLE!
Father Wears His Sunday Best
"Our House" by Madness, from the album Presents the Rise & Fall Fourth week of November, 1982 Elbows pumping, horns a-blarin', this song is like a nostalgia march. It makes you homesick for a house you never had -- the...
Everybody's Just Like You
“That’s Good” by Devo from the album Oh, No! It’s Devo Second Week of November, 1982 I don't know how Mark Motherbaugh feels about the fact that every song that he's ever sung is compared to the only one that...
Abandoned Theme Parks
SIX FLAGS OVER ALCATRAZ: Built on floating platforms near the famous island prison, this ill-fated venture embarrassed its corporate parent for years after its well-deserved closure.
Poetry in Motion
"She Blinded Me with Science" by Thomas Dolby from the album The Golden Age of Wireless First Week of November, 1982 "Mr. Dolby loses faith in Science and all things Scientific." Or so says the final written slide in the...
On Playing Laser Tag with Joan Didion
I thought playing laser tag with renowned author Joan Didion would be a lot of fun but, boy, was I ever wrong. What a sad sack.
Hail To The Chief
Hey Y.P.R. faithful, Just dropping a quick note to let you know that we haven't upped and gone. We're just taking a short breather in honor of Presidents' Day. We've got a lot of respect for most of them. Anyway,...
Sarah Vowell Comments on Our Imagined Liaison
Benjamin Franklin may really have believed that "beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" as he is so often quoted, but I would swear on a stack of
Poor Richard's Almanacs that he never got so drunk he went home with this guy Dale, not even in Paris.
Timeless Stories of Love for Valentine's Day
"Buy her some snazzy jewelry," a friend recommended. "Tattoo her name on your arm." But after fourteen cans of beer at the local tavern, Jack had a much better idea: He would have an image of his wife's beautiful face scrimshawed on his leg bone ...
Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney
Who are two vice presidents who've shot someone? Recycled but relevant: "Excerpts from Dick Cheney's Duck-Hunting Journal" by Vince LiCata...
This Generation Rules the Nation
"Pass the Dutchie" by Musical Youth from the album Youth of Today First Week of November, 1982 This song will never die due to its infectious bass line and simple but digestible lyrics. A song that was essentially a rip-off...
Don't Smell the Kraut
Inhaling vapors of leftover sauerkraut has the same creepy morphing effect on Jon as would a gasp of the mutagenic atmosphere of Mars in Total Recall. Garfield is unfazed by his master's disfigurement....
Prediction: 17 Posts and He's Outta There
Ducky Magazine (on "hiatus") (parenthtetical note) (on "hiatus") I Am the Stallion (defunct) Dostoevsky Is Dead (defunct) Behold: Dennis DiClaudio dot com...
Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards
Nick Jezarian, Matt Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz
Best Performance by a Clone or Human/Animal Hybrid
Excerpts from the Future Tell-All Autobiography of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's Unborn Child
"... I was only about four when things started getting really bad between them. There were the fights. Oh, God, the fights."
See Me a Big Woman
"Kiss of Life" by Peter Gabriel from the album Security Fifth Week of October, 1982 Let's settle the "Who was the better member of Genesis" argument right now. If I were an attorney (I'm not), I feel like this would...
Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? -- A Survival Guide
Q: This really reminds me of the tune "Down on the Corner." Is this where I am? Inside "Down on the Corner"?
Open Mike
Beckett, Dickinson, and Henry James try out their material.
Real Lab Notes
A major survey of U.S. researchers has found that unethical practices are more common and widespread in science than previously believed.
She's Gone Electric
"Annie Get Your Gun" by Squeeze (released as a single, but) from the album Singles 45's and Under Fourth week of October, 1982. This is Squeeze's second hit single named after a Broadway show, the other being, obviously, Goodbye Girl....
Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter's Bat Mitzvah
--At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a "bitch", "ho", etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter. --All entourage members will be asked to disarm and turn over gats before the commencement of the
horah ...
A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero's Zombie Series
Twelfth Night of the Living Dead: The Bard meets George Romero: cross-dressing zombies in the 16th century. Who's a man? Who's a woman? Who's living? Who's dead? Hilarity ensues ...
Opium.Weekend
All-Star Gala & Battle of the Literary Gladiators...
Disquieting Modern Trends: Opium Magazine Five-Year Anniversary N.Y.C. Celebration Edition
During our two-week spa retreat in Aspen, we have asked our good friends Elizabeth Koch and Todd Zuniga to fill in for us. And so they have, brilliantly.
Top 40 Castoff from a Record Stand
"Walking in L.A." by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Third week of October, 1982. Sad to say, the dignified Christopher Walken is not the focus of this song. Nay! Instead with this track, Missing Persons provided the...
Kindling
The Black Table Roast. Live and in color.
Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers
Average at Best ... Ayn Rand's Condescending Sigh ... Buyer's Remorse ... Colic the Wonder Horse ...
Like a Pigeon from Hell
"Back on the Chain Gang" by the Pretenders, from the album Learning to Crawl Second Week of October, 1982 I've said it once and I'll say it again: If there were a statistic measuring "Looks to Talent" Ratio, Chrissie Hynde...
Internal Memo to the Secret Society
Greetings and salutations, O seekers of the Inexpugnable Truth. Inductees into the Assemblies of Wisdom. Pilgrims to the Arcane Shrine on the desolate shores of you-know-where. Did you notice the phrase "you-know-where"? Did you catch that? Good. Because I can't believe I have to bring this up, people! Tell me, what makes a secret society such a special organization to be a part of?
Full of Strange Arrangements
"The Look of Love (Part One)" by ABC from the album The Lexicon of Love Second week of October, 1982 It takes but one listen to "The Look of Love (Part One)" to realize that this ABC is entirely different...
Monkey Shock
"Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel from the album Security. Third week of September, 1982 Peter Gabriel. What a rotten son of a bitch. I always wondered why a man would prod the masses to shock a monkey. What the...
The Black Table Roast
In which Y.P.R. and friends ceremoniously turn the infamous black table into kindling.
The Black List: Funny for Nothing and We're Dicks for Free
We were sitting in our apartment the other day, listening to Nirvana and watching scrambled porn ...
Believe the Hype? The Black Table
It was the 19th-century poet Rimbaud--or perhaps it was the 1980s rock 'n' roll duo Tears for Fears... ?
Will Leitch and Eric Gillin Use Instant Messenger to Defuse a Bomb
I'm staring at it, trying to figure out what the sheet says and I have no fucking idea how to do it.
The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons
I only know two of the Black Table's "Big Four," mainly because I rarely come out of my one-bedroom suburban cubbyhole to work the New York media party circuit.
A Quick Roast, Pt. I
Here it is, my tamest Black Table story ...
A Quick Roast, Pt. II
I will forever remain proud that it was I who introduced A.J. to crystal meth.
The Week in Craig
Hi! My name is Amy Blair and I'm totally easy!
Outgoing!
Hooray! This also marks the one-year anniversary of Will Leitch losing his virginity to a two-cent hooker down in Chinatown ...
Waxing Off: Thank You for Being a Friend
Sophia Petrillo: Picture it: Manhattan, 1932. An old, shriveled hag with a dollar and dream knocks on the door of Camp Bowery.
I Don't Wanna Hear That Song No More
"Jukebox (Don't Put Another Dime)" by the Flirts, from the album 10 Cents a Dance Fourth week of September, 1982 If the rock gods were ever to bring their dire contempt for new wave and early-80s pop music to litigation,...
Selling Myself, Installment II
In March I became a published author, and I quickly realized how important self-presentation is to creative success. This is the second in a series of letters in which I "sell myself" to various prize committees, billionaires, and television executives.
Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow
"Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be-Bop)" by Q-Feel, from the album Q-Feel Second week of September, 1982 Full disclosure: I had to look up this song because the name "Q-Feel" is as familiar to me as the terrain of southern Zimbabwe;...
Sneak Preview: Merchant-Ivory's Hostel
INT. A GRUESOME TORTURE CHAMBER IN BRATISLAVA
CLOSE-UP: PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY strapped naked to a decaying dentist's chair. As sweat oozes from his pores and tears fill his eyes, he screams incessantly, in the grips of extreme agony ...
Poor Old Johnny Ray
"Come On Eileen", by Dexy's Midnight Runners, from the album Too-Rye-Ay First week of September, 1982 I never really know what to make of this song. It reminds me of drunken Irishmen. Now, don't go calling the A.C.L.U. or the...
From the Diary of Out of This World's Evie Garland
God, I am SO in love with Brad Schwartz! I know I totally shouldn't have, but Brad's got P.E. third period, and, well, oops! My pointer fingers found their way together and I just happened to take a "wrong turn" into the guys' locker room. His dong is huge!
Sigh.
Mesh & Lace
"I Melt With You" by Modern English, from the album After the Snow Fourth week of August, 1982. Is there anything better than Brits who employ synthesizers as the backbone of their music? The answer is there are an infinite...
The New York Times Slash Fic
It was the end of a long week at the Gray Lady and the sun had long since gone down when Maureen walked into Alessandra's office.
"Hi. Working late?"
Alessandra looked up from her computer. "Yeah. I'm just putting this piece to bed."
"Is that so?" Maureen winked and tossed her hair . . .
Leave the TV and the Radio Behind
"Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson, from the album Night and Day. Third week of August, 1982 It surprises me that people work themselves into a froth when music that they loved (one-hit wonder or otherwise) gets bought up by some...
Talk2
"Talk Talk" by Talk Talk, from the album The Party's Over. Second week of August, 1982 You've got to love bands with eponymous songs, begging the chicken-or-the-egg question of which was named after what. Talk Talk dropped the meta-ball in...
Disquieting Modern Trends: Navel-Gazing Edition
In the year that we have been training our eyes on the outside world--on the ephemera, media, culture, and general goings-on of those whose very being
is our U.S. zeitgeist at large--we have surely made out the
prima facie case for becoming a hermit.
Smell Like I Sound
"Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, from the album Rio. First Week of August, 1982 They were one of the biggest bands of the decade, even penning the theme to a Bond film (although it was Roger Moore's last...
Intimidation Strategies to Be Avoided in a Street Fight
Making Threats That Incorporate Literary References ... Brandishing Inappropriate Accessories ...
Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas
"Everywhere That I'm Not" by Translator, from the album Heartbeats and Triggers Fifth week of July, 1982. This song stinks. It's annoying in the most jangly way possible. Try these lyrics: "'Cause you're in New York, but I'm not /...
An Evening at the Tokyo Ballet
The curtain rises on a bare stage, occupied only by a large wooden barrel upon which is mounted an enormous spigot. As the lights come up, the orchestra launches into the delicate opening phrases of composer-choreographer Ittoru Sakitaru's
Ballet of the Salarymen . . .
Do You Hear Me? Do You Care?
"Words" by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Fourth week of July, 1982. Annoying, annoying, annoying. And if you sing it in your head, eventually you find the melody and lyrics drifting toward "Walking in L.A.", Missing Persons'...
An Entry to the M.P.A.A.'s Contest in Which College Students Are Asked to Make a P.S.A. about the Problem of Online Piracy
Dude, this is amazing! I'm downloading all six
Star Wars at once! And no one is harmed in the process! To put it another way, no bad will ever come from our actions!
Bringing You the Best New Music of 1982
The literary journal begets an MP3 blog: Y.P.R.'s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day Right click, Save Target/Link As....
Abre los Ojos
"Open Your Eyes" by the Lords of the New Church, from the album Lords of the New Church. Third week of July, 1982. Yes. This song is awesome. It's industrial-dance goth rock that's "political" without any real political comment. All...
Rejected Pitches for NBC's Three Wishes: Hodgkin's Lymphoma Division
Dear
Three Wishes,
You know Soleil Moon Frye? Punky Brewster? Yeah. I'd like to commend her role in 1994's
Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, where she gave a convincing performance as "Marcie." (No last name.) I'd like to thank her, all right. With my homemade
tower of power ...
Y.P.R.'s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day
Two years ago today, WLIR ((f.k.a. WDRE) 92.7 FM, from Garden City, Long Island) signed off the airways the last time, its parent company switching its playlist to Spanish music. By that time, WLIR had evolved into a Top 40...
That Crazy Casbah Sound
"Rock the Casbah" by the Clash, from the album Combat Rock. Second week of July, 1982. "Rock the Casbah" is, hands down, the Clash's worst song. It's funny and interesting and it's got cool sound effects and it's sort-of-but-not-really offensive--which...
Excerpts from T.S. Eliot's First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a ham sandwich etherized upon a table...
Pep Talk
Are you spiritually prepared? You can run and pass all over the field, but if you haven't got the Power, you might as well be trying to score in the dark.
Bat Play
Woman: You'll never get away with this, Joker! Batman will save me.
The Joker: I'm gonna kill the shit out of him.
AAA Gas-Saving Tips: Updated for the Coming Oil Apocalypse
If we ignore these changes and peak oil does occur, the unforeseen consequences could create a far darker world.
Gorp
Bad advice from the
Times's columnist, while tweaking.
