An American Psycho Christmas
"Joy to the World" is being piped in over the din of the late afternoon crush at Saks Fifth Avenue and I am cursing the fact that I have to wait so long for the clerk to return with my credit card. "So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?" Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.
Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart
(But the very next day, you gave it away.)
Comedy Gold
Jon suspects that the
fruitcake he received from Mrs. Feeney is the same fruitcake that she sent last year, which he threw away.
New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season
DEATH OF A SNOWMAN: Downtrodden Frosty Loman runs a rubber hose from the gas to his corncob pipe.
I Almost Googled My Life Away
When I type "Google" into Google, I get back 817,000,000 results in just 0.11 seconds. You know what that is? That's fucking fast.
Three Concerns about This Caption
11 million (and one) Americans can't read this story.
Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing Program
Look, I'll level with ya: I'm not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let's get that fuckin' straight right now. Holly said something like, "John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more," and I was like, "What the shit you think I've been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!" ...
The Complete Radar
Collected in two handsome, leather-bound volumes, with raised spine, gilt edges, and over 2,300 illustrations,
The Complete Radar is yours for only $289.00.
Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for "Let's Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée," November 14, 2005, New York, New York
Tony, an amicable imp garbed in a sailor's hat, sheet-metal spats and a strangely workable kerchief, impresses easily (Times Square Red Lobster, southeast exit). This waif is a filthy joy to behold . . .
Pity, Indeed
Jon stands beneath mistletoe (apparently awaiting a kiss from either his cat or dog?).
The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba
Personal Assistant: Hello, operator. I would like to book a room for Meg and Jack of the White Stripes.
Receptionist: Oh, the popular beat combo--of course ...
Disquieting Modern Trends: Back to Basics Edition
Harry Potter--Just Not Getting Any? | Frat Boys Who Wear Backwards Baseball Caps | "Bands" That Are Really Just One Guy Who Gave Himself a Band Name | When the Little Light inside the Car Doesn't Turn Off as Soon as the Door Is Closed but Instead Fades Dramatically after Eight Seconds | Music on the Radio, Generally | Eva Longoria, Overexposed
The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak
Mrs. Tina Brown,
Mother of Charlie Brown: "Wah wah wahhhh waaaah, wah wahh waah waahhh wah.
Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
The dimwitted dog tries the
pull-my-finger routine on the mean, lazy cat.
The Alarmist's Reference Book of Miserable Maladies That Are Possibly Infecting Your Body at This Very Moment
Written by Mr. DiClaudio, published by Bloomsbury, and available at bookstores and book-selling Web sites everywhere.
Dennis DiClaudio, Pathological Worrywart
In which Y.P.R. bothers the author with one question.
Correção (Correction)
In which we anger the Portuguese.
Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked
Ne'er-Do-Wells, Shams, Thoughtless Cads, Fusspots, Whippersnappers, and more ...
Pabst for Pulitzer
Photographic documentation of a Pabst delivery to the Pulitzer Prize offices.
Selling Myself, Installment I
The following is my application letter for the Pulitzer Prize. (Update: A case of beer was dropped off to their offices, around lunchtime on October 28. I hope they enjoyed the beer and expect to hear from them shortly.)
Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder's Monkey
We've had lots of fun these past three years at the Corner Mall. Remember when I set your hair on fire? How about that time I gave you Hepatitis C? So much shared history to treasure.
Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?
Please rate the statements in the following two categories as
never,
occasionally,
often, or
very often.
Various Restaurant Menus Explain Themselves
Italy is known for its warmth and rich food. You will not find those here. Our cuisine comes from Asperghia, a remote hill town nestled high in the Dolomites. Our people are indomitable, and our unique cuisine, as well as the profession of banditry, is handed down from father to son. Olive oil we steal from trade caravans that dare traverse our mountain passes. Enjoy our rock stew, flavored with lichen, or perhaps the tender marmot ...
This Will Be The Week That Will Be
Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, makes a mockery of the coming week.
"
Incoming! December 5, 2005,"
at The Black Table.
Condolences Posted to the Funeral Home Web Site Upon the Death of "Zesty the Clown"
What do I remember about Zesty? He was funny. Except when he performed. But when you ran into him, you know, just out in the community, at the instant check-cashing store, at the emergency room, in a holding cell, inside a Dumpster, he was always funny. Funny scary.
He Knows When You Are Confused and Disappointed
Jim Davis just doesn't care about anything at all anymore.
The Recently Discovered "Erotick Poetry" of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
Scholars at Kent College Pembury, an all-girls preparatory school in England, recently unearthed an astonishing discovery in the rectory directly below the women's faculty quarters: a dusty trunk filled with the long-lost journals of the mildly retarded Lord Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne.
Listen:
The Y.P.R. Book Club skewers Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Starbucks Letter Regarding Seemingly Illogical Size Nomenclature
A snarky response from Starbucks to our admittedly less than sincere letter.
What a Turkey
The human catches the cat attempting to steal the turkey. These antics delight 260 million readers worldwide every day. Four percent of the planet. They love it....
Cold Turkey
Happy Thanksgiving, folks.
Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
Alcoholics Anonymous AnonymousThere should be
help for people
who drink to forget
their names.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s Canon
The Y.P.R. Book Club reads and absorbs the work of the crotchety, cantankerous, curmudgeon.
Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I'll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you'll want to remember what the mountain looks like.
Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut's Friar's Club Roast
Andrew Dice Clay, Bea Arthur, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, and Gilbert Gottfried salute the old coot.
"Now It Can Be Sold" by Drinkmore Stout
You are surrounded by a World of iPods. iPod Shuffles, iPod Nanos, iPod U2 Editions, iPods with television, iPods with 30 GB, iPods with 60 GB.
The Good News
A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Deadeye Dicks
Drawings of and by K.V. found via Google Image search.
Of Course the Fat Cat Wants Pizza, You Maroon
Jon is seen holding the phone and then asking who wants pizza. Sign of stupidity number one--hello, Jon! Why don't you ask if they want the pizza first and then pick up the phone. Why waste your time waiting for...
A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader
You will address me as Lord Vader. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. (
Breath, breath.) I have hired a team of bounty hunters to deal with the President's critics ...
Nipsey Fan Seeks Same
A reader replies to Y.P.R.'s selections from the fanpage "Nipsey Russell's Funky Palace."
Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma!
Good afternoon, theatre fans of the airwaves! This is Dick Cox bringing you all the news, up to the minute, immediately as it happens, here at the Goodspeed Opera House, where the much-anticipated opening night performance of
Oklahoma! is about to hit the starting block!
Cartoon Episodes about Science
"That's Biotechnology, Charlie Brown!"
Wherefore Art Thou, Y.P.R.?
Well, it appears we've pulled one of our trademark disappearing acts again. We do this from time to time without warning and for no apparent reason.
Scientific Study Finds That Chickens Think about the Future
So, what are you thinking about the future right now, Mr. Chicken?
May We Use Your Loo?
Your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, will be directing an independent feature film. It's called American Standard, and will star these extraoridnarily talented, funny, beautiful people. But we need places in which to put them! In The Can Production is seeking...
Questions for Discussion
How does Joseph ever expect things to work out if he's going to be such a melodramatic something-something his whole life? Discuss...
The Adventures of Dr. Squat: "Aunt Linda, You're a Pig"
unt Linda's Hindenberg rear end was so big that it would be easier to jump over her than it would be to try and walk around. She was married to Uncle Freddie. Once, when we were up north fishing, he...
In Response to My Little Sister's Plea for Assistance on Her History Report--Topic: "The Middle Ages"
Leisure activities for the young were few during medieval times, with only two movies at the local cinema--
Black Knight, starring Martin Lawrence, and
The War of the Roses with Michael Douglas.
Happy Hallowe'en!
Y.P.R HQ has had a bag of dog crap thrown on its door by our former best friend. After screaming, "You shit on my house, man! You shit on my house" at him, we've taken to the task of cleaning...
Is This Shit Supposed to Be Funny?
The dog tells Garfield to go away. Garfield does. Are you kidding me?...
The Dog Should Have Killed Garfield
The cat plays on the fragile psyche of a self-described "mean" dog. The cat revels in his own "meanness." I die a little inside....
Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!
A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only
32°F or Jon's IQ: Which Is Higher?
The fish is missing and Garfield is next to the fishbowl. Where on Earth could the fish possibly be? Don't worry. Rather than leaving it to the scholars to debate this Holmesian mystery, Jim Davis solves it for us. Thank...
Waiting Room
Always in that stupid blue suit. (Same one every time? His FRIDAY suit? What a loser.) And the rouge-red Kmart tie. Mr. Middle Management. I loathe his kind. Thinks he's too good for the rest of us. I'd like to take him down a peg.
And Funky Winkerbean Languishes in Obscurity
We're not sure what's more disturbing: the fact that this obese cat can take down an entire hamburger in one quick bite or that Jim Davis is still getting paid real American dollars to have this slapdash, idiotic piece of...
Captain Red Shirt
Captain Red Shirt, who was known throughout the civilized world as the fiercest and bravest and most daring pirate there ever was, took a liking to Orville.
Staring into the Abyss
The owner, who appears to have less and less to live for with each passing day, waxes aloud about his seemingly interminable day. The cat, whose laziness is surpassed only by his disdain for his human counterpart, suggests that the...
Political Posturing
"Here, try this one," said the elder, exaggerating a professional strut and dawning a ridiculous stern look. "That's the middle-class posture."
Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?
I often think about starting a wildly prolific rock band and naming it Wet Nurse, simply for the chance that after releasing nine LPs and six EPs in a two-year span,
Spin will run a blurb about my tireless efforts entitled, "Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?"
What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic
"
Ho un timore paralizzante delle folle e dei posti del pubblico" means "I have a crippling fear of crowds and public places."
Adventures in Primatology
Jon kisses a monkey, lets his tongue aerate as his dumb dog does....
Jim Davis's First Dick Joke
After stalking the cute perfume tester at the mall, Jon is sprayed with Eau de Sauerkraut, which, as the cat points out, goes well with wieners. (Get it? Wieners!)...
Macho Nacho
Jon ingests huge quantities of nachos to impress a girl who works in a bowling alley. Sadder than it is nauseating....
Karl Rove's Ringside Boasts
It ain't braggin' if you're a Republican.
This Comic Strip Depresses the Shit out of Me
Jon, desparate for any living attention, tells his pet of the cute girl he met at the supermarket. Sad, I know. Sadder still: the cat only cares whether its master bought doughnuts. I bet the supermarket checkout girl didn't even...
The Y.P.R. Book Club hereby selects the
entire canon of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Dog Licks Cone & Cat
With one literal tongue lashing, the stupid dog licks all the wicked cat's ice cream. And fur....
Get It? Because He Ate the Bird
Jon spots a single, yellow feather. "Is that a canary feather?" he asks. Garfield says, "Not anymore." This is supposedly hilarious....
Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid
Jon dates a mime, reiterates his date's choking/gagging gestures for his pet....
The Horror! The Horror!
Good God! What the hell is going on in the Arbuckle household? This little slice into their domestic affairs leaves litte wonder as to why Jon never gets laid and Garfield is such a fat unfeeling bastard. Not to mention,...
Cracked Baby
Cracked magazine, relaunching in January 2006, has gone online. Sylvester P. Smythe is already a-mopping.
R.I.P., Nipsey Russell
Pouring a 40 oz. for the late poet laureate.
Dear Nipsey
Selected E-Mails to the Poet Laureate of Television from People who Mistook the Fan Web Site
Nipsey Russell's Funky Palace for the Rhymer's Personal Homepage
Punting Odie, Pointing at All of Us
Cat kicks dog off table, blames world cruelty....
70s Music Is Stupid
"Time in a Bottle," "You're So Vain," and the entire catalog of the Eagles.
Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman
Flora Bush:
The Child Left Behind, an album recorded by the forgotten daughter of your president.
Rosh Hashanah Head Rush
Happy 5766 to our Hebrew friends. Blow that ram's horn, baby....
Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn
Garfield begins salivating at the ring of a doorbell. When Jon presents the pizza delivered, Garfield's wet himself with anticipatory spittle....
This One Really Sucks
Jon is chillin' in the backyard's inflatable pool, sipping from a glass of ice water. Garfield, perspiring, sucks so hard on the drinking straw of Jon's beverage that the poolwater is sucked up through Jon's pores and, somehow, into the...
Donor Secrecy
I am the head of a private investigations company. We have been approached by a woman whose 4-year-old child was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor. She wants us to locate the donor so that when her child turns 18, she can tell her who her biological father is. May we ethically take the case?
S.P., New YorkListen, dick: anonymous sperm donors are either junkies seeking fast cash or perverts seeking cheap thrills, if not perverted junkies seeking both. Women who resort to sperm donors are just old-fashioned ugly. Best bet is for you to take this cow's cash and tell her the bastard's pop died a war hero.
Curiosity Killed Something Else
Jon thinks cats are curious. Garfield demonstrates that he isn't....
The Cat Lies
The cat explains that, to the human's untrained eye, resting might look like nothing. But it's different....
Kanye West's Cronyism
If I were to become president, I can guarantee you, I wouldn’t hate black people. Oh hell no. The Whitey Billionaire's Club though would be different story. He’d have another thing comin’, a niner to his smartass mouth. That’s right....
Justify My Love
Jesus Christ, this cat is at it again? He's been lying on his f@#K%ng back all week. Now he's waxing philosphical about how overrated standing on your feet is. Someone put this lazy son of a bitch out of his...
Beware the Dust Mites
As Garfield slips further and further into depression, John takes it as a display of his social ineptitude. Garfield lies prone, letting his melancholy eat away at his soul. John does not hug the cat or ask what he can...
Nappy Cat
In today's adventure, our plump protagonist muses on the origin of the nap. While he discloses that he is not directly responsible for its genesis, he does reassure his devoted followers that he did indeed have a hand (or should...
To the Pirates, from the Cowboys
This town ain't big enough for the both of 'em.
Perhaps the Other End Is a Garfield Phone
Jon sets a milestone: 200 rings on the other end of an unanswered phone....
The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer
The Setting: A movie theater, at a screening of
The Man starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy
Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Dude just peed in the pool!
Teen Ghost #2: This movie is hilarious, bro!
Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer [
whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!
Funniest E-Mail of the Century
Bahahahaha! Oh man, it hurts. This was a real doozy. I subscribe to some advertising and media industry newsletters and one just came in today that had a poll asking which show would be the season’s biggest hit. Among the...
Jon Arbuckle and the Spiders from Mars
O.K., you ready? Figure out this humdinger: Jon ponders, "Who knows? Maybe there are beings on other planets." And Garfield think-replies, "Yeah . . . Chickens would be nice," bearing some nefarious-looking fangs. What the fuck? This makes zero sense....
Tonight . . . and Beyond!
From: redevildog@yahoo.com To: angel_eyes1257@aol.com Subject: Tonight . . . and beyond! Dear Angela (such an appropriate name! Like the angels!) I wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time tonight, and I hope that you would like...
Raining Cats
Jon blames Garfield for everything except the weather, but Garfield wants to assume blame for that too. Presumably there's humor somewhere?...
Following the Letter of the Law, but Not the Spirit
The simple human instructs the wicked cat not to kick the retarded dog. Cat slaps dog instead....
Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952
-- I like singing, watching TV (
Eight Is Enough!), and writing in my journal.
-- Apologies, my English is poor and for writing there is this nub of coal and this soiled rag only.
Dork Calling Orson
The dork calls for a pizza. By way of handwritten oak-tag sign, the cat instructs him to order something larger than large, and calls him a dork in the process. The dork cannot recognize a direct address without a comma,...
Timber?
A tree falls and almost hits Garfield. It lands on Jon instead, probably killing him. What the fuck? How is this funny?...
Dealing with Dealers
I live in a gentrifying neighborhood. Someone on the block is dealing drugs that, I recently learned, are less benign than I'd assumed; he's dealing crystal meth. I believe that the drug laws are overly punitive, and I've never had...
Jon Looks Hungover (Stubble, Droopy Eyes) but Garfield Guesses Correctly That the Putz Was Out Late Because He Got Lost
You know, this strip used to be intentionally vague when it presented human-feline interaction, cleverly sidestepping the issue of whether Jon could "hear" Garfield's thought balloons. I think Jim Davis has just given up....
"Meow."
The cat displays its first ever bit of feline behavior, purring for its master. The cat then admits that its contrived mew was, indeed, sappy....
Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics
The Scene: None, except for one prop--a single piece of paper folded into an accordion.
Enter Actor. Picks up piece of paper, holds it in the middle, and places it under his nose--a moustache. He is now the Evil Landlord.
Evil Landlord: You must pay the rent!...
Little Mouse Feet
A mouse questions the cat regarding the whereabouts of his slippers. The cat ate them, but swiftly regurgitates the rodent's footware, amazingly whole....
Cruelty to Animals
The mongoloid mongrel fetches a ball; the wicked tabby did not want it back....
Does the Appropriation by Target of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" Disquiet You?
Your Disquieting Modern Trendsetters request the pleasure of your commentary. Is Target's recent "Baby Got Back (Pack)" advertisement a modern trend that sparks disquitude? Please drop Messers Layman and Osmond an e-mail....
How You Say, "Michel"?
"For the new novel, however, having paid Mr. Houellebecq (pronounced WELL-beck) a reported $1.2 million advance, his publisher, Éditions Fayard, has taken no chances." "The French Still Obsess Over Novelist of Despair" by Alan Riding, The New York Times, Sept....
Happy Cat
The ubiquitous kitty is seen reveling in his message of hope, of dreams fulfilled. When pushed further by his mildly retarded owner, the feline reveals the context: a shopping list of food!...
The Cat Smiles
The gluttonous cat exhibits a Cheshirelike inability to drop his creepy grin, even for a second. It is because he consumed his master's last doughnut....
Cat Nap
The blissful, open-mouthed vapidity of the dog, combined with the goofy ineptitude of his mentally disabled owner, causes the cat to rhetorically ask if there's any wonder why he chooses to spend three-fourths of his day asleep....
Schrödinger's Call
The cat dials the local pizzeria and attempts to confound his mentally disabled owner by pretending the pizza dispatcher has called and wishes to speak to him....
Doing Our Part
Y.P.R. faithful, We're rarely serious (ask our parents, bosses, wives, fiancées, roommates and the people at Starbucks who correct us when we insist upon ordering a "large" coffee rather than bow to their needlessly complicated coffee-ordering nomenclature), but there are...
Bet There's a Half-Eaten Bag Stuffed under the Cat's Bed
The person points out that they've reached the penultimate bag of potato chips, which is, as the cat astutely points out, unfortunate and strange. Indeed....
Standing and Delivering
The awkward human wishes to be alone. The cat offers to stand guard....
A Pleasing Labor Day to You All
Propaganda by the War Production Board, 1943, courtesy World War II History....
Belabor Day
VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986” by the eponymous idle thinker, Mr. C. Monks....
Transmogrify This
"New Orleans is not fast or energetic or efficient, not a go-get-'em Calvinist well-ordered city."
"There will be pictures of bodies falling from the twin towers, beheaded kidnapping victims in Iraq and corpses still floating in the waterways of New Orleans five days after the disaster that caused them. It's already clear this will be known as the grueling decade, the Hobbesian decade."
The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron's Aliens, First Folio
Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron's estate sale:
Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,
But mark this dog my fuckfinger aloft.
More Graydonesque Haha
Pitching to Cousin Graydon by K. Robinson Carter, part of last year's Writers-on-Writing Series, and Postmodern Irony Final Exam by Josh Abraham....
Editor's Letter
Lame Ducks and Rocket Launchers Hi there. It's me again. Guess what? George W. Bush is still in the White House in the midst of a second-term presidency and he's still actively waging an unwinnable war at the cost of...
Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution
All Iraqis (except women, Sunnis, and Kurds), shall have the right of unabridged speech and press, and the right to assemble peaceably, so long as they keep to themselves and do not say too much.
Memo to the Executives
Tentative Pilots for Next Season's Reality Programming
Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum
Readers' stories deemed too smutty to print.
Disquieting Modern Trends: White-Hot Legal-Eagle Point/Counterpoint Edition
Consider if you, will, Disquieting Modern Trends' first ever bone of contention:
The Use of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" in the Target TV Spot
An Animals' Forum: Was It Right for Researchers to Grow Human Brain Cells in My Head?
We couldn't rule out the possibility that certain experiments could potentially alter the cognitive or emotional status of the animal in ways that would be problematic from an ethical point of view.
Eminem at the Ambient Hotel
I'm sorry, Mr. Mathers
From this I gather
You've dialed my number
because you cannot slumber? ...
Koolbalah
The company says celebrities Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore--all practicing Kabbalists--have all tried the Kabbalah Energy Drink, which sports the tagline "Source of Power."
The Puck Stops Here
Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, breaks down the new N.H.L. in
"They're Puttin' On the Foil!" over at "
La Mesa Negra." Lace up your skates and have a read.
A Real Estate Agent's Tour Of Hannigan's Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists
Welcome to Hannigan's Cove. A town rich with characters and history, built upon the sacred institutions of honest work and cyclical irony.
J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
In which Y.P.R. milks more mirth from muggles and mudbloods.
Rowling's Spawn*
At Hogwarts School did Rowling's spawn / A stately treasure-dome decree ...
The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto
O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? What do you mean? Haven't you been listening? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the death eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Make it sound really good, really creepy.
Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty
Was everyone experiencing the same transformations, Harry wondered?
Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife
"All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding."
Advertise Here
AdAge had an article just the other day talking about how major advertisers can't control the online space like they'd want.
This Isn't Working
Our friends over at Drink at Work will be débuting their new play, This Isn't Working, part of the 2005 New York International Fringe Festival, starting this Saturday, August 13th. You can catch all the times, dates, and other extraneous...
We'll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors . . .
Hello Y.P.R-keteers! We just wanted to poke our heads in the room for a moment to let you know that Y.P.R. will be back with brand-spanking-new content on August 15, 2005. For now, please peruse our copious archives of content...
We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime, Pt. II
Hi Jimmy, Just read an acticle about your huge head ["My Huge Head," April 10, 2003]. Exactly what is the size in cm or inches? My head is 62 cm (24 inches). Just wondered if my head is large or...
Welcome to the Dog Days
Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, tackles the first week of August. "Incoming! August 1, 2005," at The Black Table. Read it and sweat....
Disquieting Modern Trends: Summertime (and the Living Is Uneasy) Edition
The Singing of "God Bless America" During the Seventh Inning Stretch | The Overwhelming Preponderance of Central A.C. Even in Cities That Are Not Really That Hot in the Summer, Leading to General Decline in Moral Fortitude of Today's Youth | Impossibility of Purchasing High-Powered Explosive Fireworks at Any Cost Even in Redneck States | M.G.D. Still Packaged in Solar-Contraindicated Black Can Thereby Ensuring Warm Beer in Approximately 30 Seconds | Everybody Wearing Hawaiian Shirts Instead of Just (A) Hawaiians, (B) Robin Williams, and (C) The Guy on the Corner in Your Town Who Has No Job and Nobody Knows Why | Bomb Pops Any Color but Red-White-and-Blue | No One Drinks Fucking Kool-Aid Anymore | Too Many Kids on "Swim Teams" and "Dive Teams" Instead of Doing Cannonballs with Their Friends
Aussie Love
In my office building the other day, I looked up at the you-have-no-option-but-to-stare-mindlessly-at-me-news clips screen in the elevator and felt exceedingly empty. No, it's not because I'm Australian. I felt empty for Captivision, the editor/information-gathering Oompa Loompas who feed Captivision...
Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of bread you want for your sandwich and I pick it out for you!
A Field Guide to Selected Western Artists
What you don't know about art might fill libraries. You're not sure. You've been busy making a living, or trying to decide which happy hour has the best taquitos.
LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible
Here he cometh, a 6'9", 240-pound man-child, wearing a black Nike skullcap, a white T-shirt, and baggy shorts. For if there cometh unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment.
How to Win at Cards
To properly play cards, you will need to find a sensei. This is usually an old Chinese man who will teach you all the things you need to know before you go out and teach those school bullies a lesson with your high-flying karate kicks!
Disquieting Modern Trends: People Ruining America Edition
People Who Take Classes in Improv Comedy | Bloggers | People Who Still Wear Birkenstocks When They Could Be Wearing Tevas | People Who Shop at Costco | People of the Bottled Water Industry | People Not in the Military Using the Abbreviation "Gitmo" | Whoever Thought of Cross-Breeding the Cocker Spaniel and the Poodle | Californians--The Whole Lot of Them | The Producers of NBC's
Today Show | Whoever Is Stealing Our Scissors | The Current Inhabitants of the White House
Muggles, Mudbloods, & Morons
The Y.P.R. Book Club hereby declares
Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Clam by J. K. Rowling its next selection.
Everlasting Gobstopper
In lieu of topical humor, may we present you with some recycled material?
Judy and Jim in Paris
I've got our passports in my fanny-pack.
Hot Times, Summer in My Pants
The last time I checked in here was a long time ago. There are a few reasons for that. Number one being I'm arguably the laziest man alive. I spent many years of half-assed writing to arrive at a point...
Woody's Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
Old friends, both playwrights, sit in a Greenwich Village café and discuss their contrasting views of life--Wallace Shawn claims that life is essentially comic, while Tony Roberts sees life as overwhelmingly itchy.
Signs That Internet Dating Is Not Going Well for You
That Panamanian-transvestite-platypus dating Web site that you click onto as a joke has a very clear (and actually quite flattering) picture of you on it.
Interview with an Interview with Ann Coulter
As I picked up a recent copy of
Time magazine (April 25, 2005), I casually stroked the middle buttons of my fly with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand and realized that I was unquestionably terrified of this issue's cover girl: Ann Coulter.
Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from "Seinfeld"
Pride = Jerry; Envy = Elaine; Sloth = George; Gluttony = Kramer
Sally Forth
Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives: Fourth of July Fourthiness. Independence is on the march, patriots....
"B.L.T.": A Review
The review copy of the "B.L.T." arrived at my house last week to no noticeable fanfare.
Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors
There's a casting call for an independent film seeking your dramatic talents and pretty faces. Plus: the chance to be directed by your humble Y.P.R. coëditor, Josh Abraham.
Who Wants to Watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
As many of you know by now, Geoff Wolinetz, your humble coëditor, taped an episode of
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? in December of last year. The show is no longer hosted by Regis.
Ten Tiny Poems
Two against One Fighting a pregnant woman
was my first mistake.
Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always
Right now we're in to going to the gym and group steams whilst rubbing mango smoothies and mint leaves over each other's privates. Overload. You understand.
Tom Waits for No Man
Another pop star checks into a hotel room.
Misheard Song Lyrics, Schizophrenic Edition
'scuse me while I kiss this what the--?!? Ew!
The People Recommend
People who ordered this book also bought ...
We Keep Yelling "Rooster"
David Sedaris is delighted with Yankee Pot Roast.
Venice
Our gondolier has six piercings, four of which are visible, and a photograph of himself with Jude Law, whose name he can't recall.
Out of the Blue
Ben and I break up a few months after the aliens arrive in America.
A Princeton Review Correspondent Overhears Some Tense Moments in Town/Gown Relations
Once off the campus, this non-centralized community lacks adequate public transportation.
Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com
Hey, gang--I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there to those of you who are rallying on the message boards and MP3 blogs to get the word out!
Dead Ends from Rejected "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" Books
What could possibly go wrong? The Cubans want to be liberated from this evil dictator. All you need to do is arm the anti-Castro guerrillas, drop them off, and let them serve as the catalyst for the full-scale revolt that's bound to occur.
I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women
Oh, man, do I love Katie Holmes, who is a woman. And I also love women, in general.
J.S.F., Loud & Close
This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicited your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you’ve read the book or not. Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Blockby Angela Genusa...
Disquieting Modern Trends: The City So Nice We Complain about It Twice Edition
"Family Values" in Times Square | The Relative Paucity of Large-Scale Civic Arts Projects by People from Europe with One Name | Those Little Blue-on-White Greek Diner Coffee Cups | The General Failure of Present-Day N.Y.C. to Be Like
Taxi Driver | The Proliferation of Au Bon Pain Like the Manhattan McDonald's It's Become
Pussyknickers!
If we may say so, that cat is wearing some fancy, schmancy pants....
Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer's Block
My name is Oskar Schell, I am nine years old, I am obsessed with encyclopedic trivia and I have writer’s block. One potato kugel, two potato kugel, three potato kugel, four. I could have a googolplex potatoes. A googol to...
Everything According to Incredible Acquaintances
The following is a selection of testimonials from several people who claim to have crossed paths with Jonathan Safran Foer: His Cleaning Lady In beginning Jonathan was more nice of man and more like just nice boy. He says hello...
Correspondence between Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss That Explains How They Wrote the Same Book
I wrote, Dear Stephen Hawking. And then I crossed it out and wrote, Dear Nicole. And then I wrote you a whole letter on a ribbonless typewriter. And then I put a key in the envelope. And then I...
Intellectual Property
From: The Law Offices of Gimmy, Moore, & Lykitt, L.L.C. Dear Mr. Foer; We have been retained by Mr. Jim Carrey in a matter of copyright infringement concerning your latest book. We refer you to this statement in paragraph one...
Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn
The
Fight Club author on proper lawn care.
Diamond Dave's Sestina
The former Van Halen frontman puts pen to paper.
I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
One of Whitman's Leaves of Grass Responds
A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone
The day begins with Genusa's take on the classic getting out of bed, which is beyond belief on every level.
Ankommend!
Your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, will tell you what to do all week long.
"
Incoming! May 23, 2005," at
Der Schwarze Tisch.
The Weatherman's Weekend Forecast
Ex-girlfriend Donna is moving the rest of her stuff out as planned in an icy cold front Friday during rush hour.
On Dagobah Pond
A dawn in me, there is. Awake, I am. To be awake is to be alive. Met another who is awake, I have not. How would I look him in the eye? Three feet tall, I am.
Armadillo Pad
In the summer of 1993 I purchased a mounted armadillo for my natural history collection at a barbecue restaurant in Memphis, not because I agreed with the proprietor that it looked like Edwin Booth, the famous Shakespearean actor of the Civil War period and elder brother of Lincoln's assassin, but because it looked impressive in the toga and I had just the right spot on my bachelor-pad bar.
Reasons Why the Female Characters in Certain Male-Written Fiction Are Not Like Actual Women at All
We're sorry, but trying to portray the thoughts, feelings, and motives of irrational people is actually impossible.
Disquieting Modern Trends: Big Apple Edition
Photographs in
The New Yorker | Broadway Musicals That Are Just a Bunch of Pop Songs Grafted onto a Completely Bogus Plot | "Hands-Free" Devices That Make It Increasingly Difficult to Tell the Difference between People Who Are Merely Annoyingly Busy and People Raving Like Madmen at Themselves in the Street | The Proliferation of "I
♥ NY" Rip-offs
A Salesman Reborn
Dear Bob, I am writing from a hotel room in Hackensack, New Jersey. You'll see the lovely stationery they offer their guests--for free. I had not expected this because in the establishments I am forced to patronize while on your...
Regarding My Teenaged Affair with Paula Abdul
Now that others are "outing" Ms. Abdul, I feel the need and desire to talk about what she and I had together back in the mid 1980s.
Godzilla vs. Godzilla
The giant radioactive monster meets Hideki Matsui.
¡Flashback de Mayo!
Hey, remember Cinco de Mayo, 2003? Neither do we!
Press Secretary Scott McClellan Addresses a First-Grade Junior Achievement Class
Yes, the President enjoys a wide variety of animated children's programming, including
SpongeBob SquarePants.
The New York Post-Times
All the news that's pit to frint.
My Weekend!
Friday Night! Friday had finally arrived! I remember I had 26 more fishhooks to bend and then I could've gone home. Of course, Ebenezer Buckwalds, my employer in the Fishhook Industry, somehow managed to find 200 unbent fishhooks under my...
Dos de Mayo--Seis de Mayo
Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will hold your hand as you cross the week: "
Incoming! May 2, 2005,"
a La Mesa Negra.
As Reviewed by Ben Brantley
The latest from
The New York Times's chief theater critic and "celebrity underminer".
Dear ABBA
The Swedish quartet answer readers' questions in their weekly syndicated advice column.
A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite
A transcript of a conversation between Gene Simmons, the bassist for the rock band KISS, and Terry Gross, host of NPR's
Fresh Air, originally broadcast on February 4th, 2002, with Mr. Simmons's responses replaced by those of "
a.l.i.c.e.," an artificial-intelligence chat bot.
Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious
This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer's
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you've read the book or not.
If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials
Cheney just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by calling GEICO.
Airbag Warnings
Should the airbag deploy, you may be burned--sorry, burned to a crisp.
The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud's Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious
The biological and social differences between men and women are numerous, and they cause us a great deal of sexual anxiety that can be relieved through humor.
The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem
I'm Michael Chabon, the world's most successful comic-book fanboy and the beloved, hunky writer of
Wonder Boys and
Spider-Man 2.
Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate
Don't you worry your pretty little head. Everything's going to be fine. The President has everything under control. He's just going to privatize it. It will only take a second. You can keep watching
Alias.
I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With
I will drive to see you in my crotchety Volvo with the determined sensuality of a 1970s Elliot Gould.
Excerpts from Dick Cheney's Duck-Hunting Journal
Chest doesn't hurt so much today. I think sleeping in the duck blind all day helped a lot. Also switching from vodka to beer.
My Evening With CNN
Here are tonight's top stories.
Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition
The Word "Conflicted," as in "To Feel Conflict" | People Who Say "Often" by Pronouncing the "T" | The Word "Liaise," as in "He Will Liaise with Marketing." | Spelling "Theater" Like This: "Theatre" | Goyim Who Use Yiddish Too Much |
Reader's Block
I hate deciding which book to read. The smallest things sway me. A seagull overhead makes me reach for
Lord Jim.
Sam Lipsyte's Home Land
In which Y.P.R. solicits your alumni updates, yearbook scribblings, and notes passed to high-school crushes.
Home Istan
Salaam alaikum, fellow Sand Cats!
Catamount Encounters: Tips on Avoiding Trouble and Defending Yourself in an Attack
Adapted from Don’t Get Eaten: The Dangers of Animals that Charge or Attack by Dave Smith (The Mountaineers Books, $6.95, paperback). Limit your outdoor activities at dawn and dusk. Avoid catamount kill. Catamounts will cover a kill with dirt...
Sam Lipsyte, distinguished alumnus
Y.P.R. What is written about or to you in your high-school yearbook? Sam Lipyste Herewith I offer a few inscriptions from my yearbook, with annotations where needed, and names removed. 1. From a guy I used to drink with:...
Prepping for My First Out-of-Body Experience
My guide to out-of-body travel, Dr. Morris Goldblatt, Ph.D., tells me that I can simulate my upcoming journey in the following way: Affix a mirror to the ceiling of an elevator, lie on the floor of the elevator so that...
Raskolnikov Meets Dr. Phil
My first guest tonight is a man who has some impulse-control problems.
The Author of the Universe
Let’s say that you’re reading a short story by some guy named Jeff Haas when he decides to make you the protagonist. You’d have to admit that you’re in a pretty precarious position right off the bat, as Mr. Haas...
The Y.P.R. Mass Communiqué
will be infrequent, irregular, and unorthodox. Please do subscribe. Here. Name: E-mail: Something interesting: -->...
Temping in Vatican City
A guy named Cardinal Roberto meets me at the plane, and I can immediately tell I won't like working for this guy when he starts with, "You didn't bring your own miter?" In English, I tell him Donna just told me to "dress nice."
Disquieting Modern Trends: Cry in Your Beer for the Lost Promise of Your Youth or the Impending Irrelevance of Your Dotage Edition
We embrace the early stages of curmudgeonliness. We eye the ratty old coat of doubt and slip it on like Bacall getting into a mink.
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005
An Obituary for the Pontiff, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the
Internet Movie Database's Biographical Information
The Humor from China
Actual jokes from an actual Chinese person.
My Laundromat Picks
There are eleven machines in all, but for simplicity's sake, we'll eliminate the one with two out of three knobs missing, the one with an ominous X of duct tape over the lid, and the one with "brokken" scrawled on the interior of a Milky Way wrapper that for the time being is anchored in place by a penny.
Kafka + 2
Discarded from Early Drafts of Kafka's
Metamorphosis
Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches
Thank You speeches from McDonald's Employee of the Month, a Possible Publisher's Clearinghouse winner, and the bearer of card with ten holes punched entitling patron to a free eleventh sandwich.
Extreme Vacations for Wordsmiths
Tired of word games at home? Do you need to spice up your literary life, recharge your repartée? Ellipses Guiding Services offers the finest in extreme literary entertainment. In addition to our old favorites, the Jack London Disappointment Peak Climb...
A Style Guide for Blog Parodists
As op-ed columnists have recently announced, something called a “blog” (short for “Web log”) has become very popular on something called the “Internet.” As savvy parodists with an eye for hilarious new trends, you are undoubtedly putting aside your unfinished...
Memo Regarding the Viability of Superheroes as Future Presidential Candidates
Political prospects for Captain America, Captain Marvel (a.k.a. "Shazam"), and Black Lightning.
An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean
It comes with great sadness and shame that I admit to using steroids while writing stories for Internet humor websites in 2004. Each time before sitting down to write I would inject myself with anabolic steroids. A lot of it....
Disquieting Modern Trends: "Guaranteed 100% Funnier!" Edition
Hi-ho, fellow travelers. We come to you this week with one simple thought: Wouldn't it be GREAT if things were
better than they really are? Not so quick.
Dowd, Untouchable Mutant
If she seems cold and standoffish, it's because her slightest touch will siphon your energy and consciousness.
A Day in the Life of The New Yorker's Fiction Editorial Board, if It Were a Person
I chuckled loudly at human nature. I was not self-conscious or ashamed about having chuckled so loud.
Foreword
Yes, while the ensuing pages may appear as merely a collection of poems, it can best be described as the fruits of twenty-seven years' labor in the field of investment banking and three in the highly competitive but equally lucrative field of mutual fund management, during which the author's father (and sole supporter) bankrolled the quixotic whims of his prodigal son (the esteemed author) while said author, if my AmEx bill is any indication, whiled away his days in bohemian rapture sipping chai tea lattés in trendy cafés and scribbling outrageous socialist platitudes in leather-bound notebooks.
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series
The first episode that kicked off the occasional series.
How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle
So first you've got to get on the subway, sporting a tie-dyed T-shirt that warns, "It Ain't Gonna Lick Itself."
Disquieting Modern Trends: Offspring Edition
The Failure to Name Children "Mick" or "Mickey" | The Proliferation of Child Protection Devices in Otherwise Convenient and R-Rated Homes | Lunchables | Holiday Cards Featuring Your Teenage Daughters at the Beach | Kanye West
Calling All Catamounts
Guten tag, Valley Cats! Y.P.R.
solicits your alumni updates, yearbook scribblings, and passed-notes to high-school crushes along with the usual reviews, parodies, deleted chapters, etc., for this month's Book Club selection: Sam Lipsyte's
Home Land.
E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com
"I try to think of myself as Emma Peel in a black leather catsuit ..."
Niles from Frasier Takes Acid on an Overnight Spelunking Trip with Deebo from Friday and Reënacts Plato's The Cave
My friend, we are in a cave. A very deep and profound darkness is all we can see.
Sounds good, bitch. I'll bring the ladies.
Arrrrrtwork
Behold "
Three Jokes about Pirates," a short piece of humor writing, and a digital painting, and a short film, sort of, via arrrrt.com's artPad, by
Dennis DiClaudio.
Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse
Hammy's an old University chum of mine. I'll never forget the time we pinched the vicar's pet chimpanzee on boat race night.
Andrei Codrescu, exquisite corpse
Y.P.R. 1. Hey, what's up? A.C. Nothing as far as I can see, but that's bound to change as soon as they reverse my mood. Mr. Codrescu is a poet, novelist, an essayist, a screenwriter, a columnist for N.P.R., and...
Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway
I am on the hunt. My hands feel gritty against the stock of my rifle. Sweat and dirt have tightened my grip. I turn to my faithful friend, Hobbes.
Malcolm Gladwell's Blink!
Some spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgments regarding
Malcolm Gladwell's
Blink: The Power of Winking without Blinking.
Disquieting Modern Trends: iPod Edition
Music Too Hot for Work | People with Jobs That Make No Sense | Concern Over "The Obesity Epidemic" | Ringtones That Sound Either Like (A) Actual Songs, Not Cheesy Casio Synth-Songs or (B) Like Actual 1930s Telephones | "G-d"
Trapped in Malcolm Gladwell’s Hair
Day 1: It has taken me a while to get my bearings. I spent an unknown amount of time disoriented and unconscious, but I’m more lucid now and more comfortable. This environment is stifling and odorous. The best I can...
Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents
Scenario 1: My Father I’m watching “Evening at the Improv” in the mid-90s when my father enters the room. “What are you watching?” he says. “This comedienne named Ellen DeGeneres,” I say. “She’s pretty funny.” He snorts. “Looks like a...
Blink . . .
. . . , rub his eyes, stare in disbelief, and finally call his lawyers is what Paul Simon did when he realized Garfunkel had published a pseudonymous memoir. (As if those damn Norwegians weren't headache enough. Now this!) Did...
A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking
This book is not going to help your fiction. Seriously. Don’t buy it for that. I mean, buy it if you really want to read it, but don’t buy it just because you think it’s got some revolutionary thing to...
The Way We Live Now
Incoming! March 7, 2005 by your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, over at The Black Table....
Y.P.R. 3.1
O.K., Y.P.R.keteers, we're back again and this time everything's more or less working smoothly. The site's archives are being built up quite slowly, and you may find some links or pages to be working screwy. Wally, our tech assistant, is...
One-Sentence Stories
IHappy ChristmasDarkening my day is the story already having leaked of Comet and Blitzen, selling their meaty, raw, tiny charges into slavery—their rotten and embarrassing behavior, now dubbed ‘Reindeer Syndrome’ by some Eastern Syndicate—the latest en vogue disease to get...
I Play a Jaw-Harp
I play a jaw-harp. You can call it a trump, a drumbla, a génggong, or a scacciapensieri; a vargan, a marranzanu, a kubing, or a good ol’ jew’s-harp, but there’s no mistaking the rhythmic, aggressive, driving beat of a metal...
Get Yr Blink On.
The Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgements regarding Malcolm Gladwell's Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking. Send us your reviews, parodies, deleted chapters, etc. by February 28th, 2005. Blink! 100 bonus points if...
When Yakov Smirnoff Was King
Today, you can see Yakov Smirnoff in his own theater in Branson, Missouri, seven days a week, where he has twice been honored as "Branson Performer of the Year."
Sasha Frere-Jones, music critic
You're in a time machine that's powered by musical zeitgeist: it can traverse the time-space continuum, but its landing coordinates can only be programmed for, say, Manchester, late 70s, or Seattle, circa 1991, etc. Which music scene would you visit, and why?
Brushes with Llamas
The Incas discovered long ago what terrific pack animals these New World camelids make up there in the oxygen-deprived Andes.
The Tragedy of Two Bills
THE CHARACTERS: William, a boy; Billiam, a boy; Six attack dogs (more optional)
Disquieting Modern Trends Return: Hollywood Edition
Fairly-Priced, No Haggle Car Dealerships | Holiday Music Performed in Cool, Cutting-Edge Styles | The Passing of Téa Leoni from National-Level Consciousness | The Bill Murray-ization of Adam Sandler
What It's Like to Have Sex with Me
You say, "(Pretend like you're rapping in French)." I say, "Those are stage directions. Notice the parentheses."
Rapid Eye Movements
Dear Y.P.R., Seriously—that blinking Malcolm Gladwell freaks me out. Make it stop. I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight. Yours, Brian Graham...
Y.P.R. 3.0
Folks, Welcome. As you can see, we've finally caught up with late-20th Century technology. Our upgrade is still underway, and you'll notice most of our archive links go nowhere. Please be patient with us as we rejigger our gears over...
David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist
The infinite footnotist summarizes
Two and a Half Men and
Weekend at Bernie's II.
This Is the Week That Is
Incoming! February 14, 2005 by your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, over at The Black Table....
Music for the Masses
Hey, kids! Do you like the rock 'n' roll? If so, head on over to Matthew Tobey's City of Floating Blogs to check out the O.C.D.-enabled megalist of 500 bestest songs ever, compiled from suggestions by the Internet's finest...
Dear Wikipedia
Dear Wikipedia, Recently we took off on an endeavor for a publishing house that required one single piece of information about nearly one thousand individuals: We needed to know their date of birth. Since we live in a nation...
How to Write a Book
Do absolutely nothing until you can see the whites of your deadline's eyes.
Huh?
Readers write in with pressing questions.
From Nairobi with Love
The
New York Times' Nairobi Bureau Chief checks in.
It's "Shauna," but Most Guys Call Me "Shawna."
Still no concrete answers regarding Ferris's sister's fake name.
MMIV Wrap-Up
A look back at Y.P.R.'s 2004 high jinks.
) and 
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