2003 Archives
MMIII: The Whole Kit & Caboodle
This is the year that was.... 
Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!
Dear J.C., Happy Birthday! I know everybody's buying you frankincense and myrrh and Xbox for your birthday, so we were totally stumped. You're a hard person to shop for! But then we remembered that carpentry was one of your hobbies,...
Tidings of Joy
Folks, Yankee Pot Roast is calling it a year. In 2003, we had many good times and only a few bad. We made many new friends and some enemies, too. We thank all our readers, all our writers, all our...
Yum, pt. II
from: John Anderson [john.anderson1@rcn.com>] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Scrumptious Yankee Hey, you guys . . . I just want to thank you from the bottom of my bottom round roast for that luscious recipe. Yankee Pot Roast will live forever...
The Roastee Responds
Imagine if you were to wake up from an innocent sleep on Monday morning after a nice weekend with your family only to find that a bunch of strangers were waiting at your front door to kick you in the...
Never Mind the One-Liners
Neal, it's almost Christmas and you've given me the best gift I could possibly ask for. You never come over anymore. Seriously though, folks, every night I get into bed, I take off my clothes and I read one of...
Stats for the Neal Pollack
THE NEAL POLLACK AKA: Blog Monster, Chromatic Neal, Type 15 Pollack CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Urban, coffee shops and other places were bad writers gather FREQUENCY: Thankfully very rare NO. APPEARING: 1 ARMOR CLASS: 10 MOVEMENT: 9’ (3’ burrowing) HIT DICE: 4...
Happy Birthdays, William Safire, Giovanni Ribisi, Peter Farrelly, Bill Pullman, Milla Jovovich, & Bob Guccione!
Dear everybody, Happy various birthdays! William: I can't make heads or tails of this: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, And they're like, 'It's better than yours.'" What the--?!? I know what all of the words mean,...
Dear Neal Pollack
Dear Neal, I haven’t read any of your books, but I did enjoy reading your blog. I guess this whole “putting an end to the online journal” is just a way to get people to buy up your books. After...
Happy Birthday, Liv Ullmann!
Dear Liv, Happy 64th Birthday! Liv, I'm so confused! I don't get it--how could Liv Tyler and Tracey Ullman have a baby? They're both girls. Two girls can't make a baby! Please hurry. Josh Abraham...
A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack's Pillow
I am a gorgeous blonde with a mean conservative streak and you are a soft leftie with thinning hair who enjoys his naked body more than any man should.
Happy Birthday, Don Johnson!
Dear DoJo, Happy 54th Birthday! In honor of your special day, big Don, I'll be spending 16 straight hours on my couch watching a "Nash Bridges" marathon with my dog Wiggles. Wiggles loves your show. He can even bark the...
Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time
Shakespeare said something about tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Yep, that’s Neal: “Lookit me, everybody! I’m a boring, pretentious old-fart littérateur! Harrumph! No, no, I’m a noisy, obnoxious rock’n’roller! Gabba gabba hey!” Pollack sure...
The Neal Pollack Roast
In which Y.P.R. hosts a communal Roast of the World's Greatest Living Writer. Roasters comprise kindred spirits Haypenny, Eyeshot, (pnote), K.E.L.R., and a slew of bloggers.
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue, Battleship, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sorry, a Ouija board, Trivial Pursuit, Hungry Hungry Hippos ...
Happy Birthday, Rider Strong!
Dear Rider Strong, Ride her. Strong. Do you see now? Happy 24th birthday, Geoff...
The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover
STD, Lee. Ask her if she'll give a threesome a whirl, Earl. Keep up your skirt chasin', Jason. Introduce her to kiddie porn, Björn. Tell her you're gay, Jay. Convince her she’s a dyke, Mike. Eat some garlic knots and...
No. 9 Dream
Doctor, I’m having that dream again. I’m in a band—an old-timey band from, like, the 50s, and we’re on stage, behind the curtain, just moments before showtime. Ed Sullivan is introducing us, and I’m freaking out, because I’m on drums—and...
13 Things You Can Do with That
1. Belt it; cinch it. 2. Give it to your in-laws under the guise of a peace offering and then cram it down their cheapskate throats. 3. Take it for a romantic walk in the park. Enjoy a picnic on...
A Rant on the Blizzard
Brrr, how ’bout that snow out there, eh, babe? That’s a lot of fuckin’ snow, Cochise. You should have seen me trying to dig my car out of the snow. My chest tightened up like John Wayne Bobbitt in a...
Happy Birthday, Doctor Dre!
Dear Doctor Dre, Happy 40th Birthday! Good grief, Doctor, I can't believe there are two black men in the hip-hop world both named Doctor Dre--and neither one of you actually has a medical degree! It's a good thing you're so...
Urban Dance
WEEK 1: SUBWAY TANGO Hi, I’m Patricio, your instructor for today’s Subway Tango. Just before we start, can I check that everybody has read the introductory leaflet? Yes? Thank you. So . . . for the next four weeks...
“Social Studies,” if You Know What I Mean
Names of Some National Parks that Sound Like Titles of Pornographic Films The Badlands Big Bend National Park Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area Cumberland Gap National Historic Park Dry Tortugas National Park Grand Teton National Park Hot Springs Little Bighorn...
The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation
Ja, so, dis is der story uf me, a young mensch who vanders arount New York mit dem red hat on mein kupf.
Happy Birthday, Woody Allen!
Dear Woody, Happy 68th Birthday! My grampa is 68, and he still gets dates with Tiffani Thiessen, Debra Messing, and Téa Leoni, so don’t you ever think you’ve got to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. Also, my...
The Songwriter
The following was excerpted from the last will and testament of Mark Auger, who died October 29 in Portland, Maine, of injuries sustained in a potato gun accident: ...but the most important matter of this will, much more important than...
Happy Birthday, Christina Applegate!
Dear Ms. Applegate, Happy 32nd Birthday! Christina, you've long known of my love for you, which burns with the power of the a thousand suns. As a special birthday gift, I've written you a song. It's called "Set Adrift on...
Happy Birthday, Ted Bundy & Charles Starkweather!
Dear Starkweather & Bundy, Holy crap, you guys share a birthday? I'm seriously creeped out. I know it's also comedian Billy Connolly's birthday today, and that daffy Scot has got psycho-killer written all over him. Anyway, I'm glad you pricks...
First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn't Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted
The ooze was a familiar shade of green, but which shade, exactly?
Man-on-the-Street Interviews
Q: Hey, man, I bet you can't guess what's in this wrap. A: What? Q: I've got a tasty wrap here from the deli/make-your-own-salad place up the block. I bet you can't guess what's in it. A: Um. Yeah, I'm...
Happy Birthday, Bo Derek!
Dear Bo, Horse? Check. Beach? Check. Braids? Check. Short British man with alcohol-induced impotency? Check. Music by Ravel? Check. O.K., here's the deal. I'm shooting, 10: 25 Years Later, and I'd love for you to reprise your role. As you...
The Great Gob in the Sky
Nobody knew for certain what the great gob in the sky was. The town’s elders, advised by a think tank of scientists, declared it a mass of jelly; the pundits, typically critical, argued it was jam. The general populace more...
Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned
down sauté roll over* left hook drop it French braid crochet rake the leaves handstand heel cogitate defrost make nachos * But almost!...
Are We Having the Same Conversation?
"Hello?" "May I speak with John, please?" "This is John." "Hi, John. It's Lucy." "Hi Lucy. How are you?" "I'm doing pretty well. I'm just recovering from that surgery." "What? When did you have surgery?" "I had surgery a couple...
Daddy Left Me Alone with God
God sprawled on the bed at the Plaza Hotel and strummed His guitar while my father sat at a nearby table and chopped up a couple lines of coke. "Knock it off, You tone-deaf asshole," said my father. Of course...
Swanton
In Which Amy Interviews and Rides with the U.S. Border Patrol
A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont
My fellow Northern Vermonters, I, Edward Higgins, write to you today to ask for your support; to support me, and to support my legislative body, and to ignore the stones cast at me by your “Representative” Avi Schumacher and his...
Yes, or Psoriasis
from: David Meiklejohn [SexNotProms@aol.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: The P in Alex P. Keaton A friend of mine said it stands for Parkinson, but she's just insensitive. In case you're still looking, I found this Web site, and if it's...
Lemmings
"How was the weekend, Phil?" "Not too bad. Went to the in-laws on Saturday. We took the kids to one of those water parks on Sunday." "We've been meaning to take the kids. They just love the water. How was...
The Paris Film: Director's Commentary
Interestingly enough, Shannen Doherty was our original choice to star in the film, but there was a falling out due to creative differences.
Interestingly enough, Shannen Doherty was our original choice to star in the film, but there was a falling out due to creative differences.
When You Said, "Insensitive Prick," Were You Talking to Me?
I'm sorry about that. I was all the way over here and not paying attention. You weren't referring to me, were you? I cannot see how you could possibly think that. Baby, we've been through so much together. Remember that...
Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer!
Dear Schwimmer, Happy 37th birthday! What's the deal with your hair? It just keeps growing and growing and growing. Pretty soon it's going to be as big as your head (which we're comfortable saying is pretty goddamn big). What, can...
What I Hope to Find in Hell
Lite Beer Marilyn Monroe A previously unutterable curse word Democracy Vampire bats Baseball bats Pool tables with built-in beer coasters along the rim Soft-core porn More than enough lawyers Ramen noodles Baking-soda toothpaste Andy Kaufman Chia Pets Solicitors Final exams...
You Call That Celebrity Prostitution?
You call that celebrity prostitution? If you want to get out there and get yourself a celebrity john, you're going to have to do a lot better than that. For starters, I've seen better ass-shaking at a fat farm. If...
Happy Birthday, Demi Moore!
Dear Ms. Moore, I love you. A lot. Seriously. A lot. I have a life-sized picture of you from the cover of Vanity Fair hanging over my bed. You are an inspiration to pregnant women like me everywhere. When G.I....
Why I'll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association
1 Elk StreetAlbany, N.Y. 12207 November 10, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, Thank you for your application for admission to the New York State Bar Association. As you can imagine, we've had a lot of applications to review this year. I'd...
Why Won't Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place?
It's a simple request. I don't ask for much. I'm a law-abiding citizen of these United States. I don't drink or smoke. I always hold the door open for ladies when they are walking into a building ahead of me....
Requiem for "Snark"
Following this week's concurrent presentations of Ken Krimstein's snappy short story, "I Was a Teenage Snarkist" and the Y.P.R. Book Club's The Scrolling Snark by Lewis Carroll (a hump-breaking straw and an ultimate coffin nail, respectively), this humble journal believes...
Wonka'ed
The children were mesmerized. They’d never seen so much candy before and could hardly believe such a magical place existed! Veruca ran off to taste the creamy spots on the toadstools and Violet shook gumballs loose from the gumball tree....
Happy Birthday, Sally Field!
Dear Sally, Why you gotta be a stuck up bitch, yo? I wrote you a letter asking if I could lay the pipe down on your thang and put your story down on the paper. You didn't even write me...
Happy Birthday, Art Garfunkel!
Dear Art, Happy 62nd Birthday! Three words for you Art: "Siegfried & Garfunkel." All the best, Josh Abraham...
Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet
“Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg, arg. I hereby call to order the 508th meeting of Viking Local 242. Scribe, if you would please read the minutes of meeting 507?” “Arg. All present; looting up 12%, plundering even, pillaging down 46%—” “Let’s...
I Was a Teenage Snarkist
It all started in eighth grade when Billy Noodleman wore those paisley bellbottoms. I mean, come on, what was this, “The Brady Bunch,” for God’s sakes? This was the Midwest, land of farmers and hog butchers. I couldn’t help myself....
Gotham: Four Very Short, Spooky Plays about Monsters at Large in the City
The Vampire Goes to the Delicatessan VAMPIRE: Greetings. I vould like a quart of cow’s blood. No, vait. Better make it a gallon. CLERK: You want Guernsey or Angus? VAMPIRE: Hmm . . . is the Angus fresh? CLERK: Came...
Hallmark Holiday
Transcript from the August, 1951, Meeting in Which Hallmark Marketing Executives Invented Hallowee’en “Fellas, we need a new “event” holiday. We need something to ignite sales during that unfestive lull between the Jewlidays1 and the Big Turkey2. I’m looking at...
It's the Great Pumpkin-Patch Farmer, Charlie Brown!
Jesus H. Christ, those pesterin’ little freak chil’en are crawlin’ ’round in my punkin patch ag’in. Ain’t a Hallowe’en goes by, they’s ain’t rootin’ ’round my punkins lookin’ fors a ghost or sumpin’. Sheeit, that grotesque little bald feller’s got...
What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Doorstep?
Skittles that fell to earth in a torrential candystorm, just like in those commercials. Raisins. They’re nature’s candy, kids! Eat ’em up! A scorching case of V.D. Some leftover gorp the possums didn’t get to. Whatever lies within these cans...
A Trick-or-Treat Guide to the Houses on My Block
A T R I C K - O R - T R E A T G U I D E T O T H E H O U S E S O N M Y B L O C...
The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe'en House of Horror
In which Y.P.R. scares the bejesus out of you.
In which Y.P.R. scares the bejesus out of you.
A Hallowe'en Message from Dr. Demento
Howdy, ghouls and boys! And a special spooky, scary, creepy Helloooo to all my scarily dwindling audience of listeners! As an outdated radio personality whom nobody really pays any attention anymore, except for maybe “Weird Al” Yankovic and “Grampa” Al...
Happy Birthday, Vanilla Ice!
Dear Vanilla, Happy 35th Birthday! I remember there was one Halloween, probably 1990, (circa Cool as Ice) where I dressed like you for the occasion. I had the hair, the “Word To Your Mother” jacket, the total lack of muscular...
Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview
MONKS: Hi, Elizabeth. SMART: Hi. MONKS: How are you doing? SMART: I'm good. MONKS: You mean 'well.' SMART: What? MONKS: It's 'I'm well,' not 'I'm good.' That's the correct way to say it. SMART: Oh, right. Sorry. MONKS: No biggie....
Lessons Learned from HBO
Don't cross the streams. There's no crying in baseball. You do not talk about fight club. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking. Never get...
If We Were Marvel Comics, She'd Win a No-Prize
from: Monica G. Staples [mstaples@partners.org] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Birthday letter to Rachael Leigh Cook The answer could have been lobster too....
What I Hope to Find in Heaven
Girl Scout cookies The Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine Clara Peller, the lady from the “Where's the beef?” commercial Shag carpeting (white) A really good radio station Bingo Miniature golf The scent of fabric softener 24-hour Taco Bell Disco bowling The entire...
Cliffster Notes
Frankenstein by M.S.: A scientist builds a person. The built person kills the scientist’s family and friends because after he got built, the scientist freaked out and ran away like a little pansy-ass coward, and now the built man feels...
Shelley Jackson's Skin Project
In which Y.P.R. writes a whole short story on one human canvas, as response to Shelley Jackson's Skin project (in which volunteers have a word apiece tattooed onto their bodies).
In which Y.P.R. writes a whole short story on one human canvas, as response to Shelley Jackson's Skin project (in which volunteers have a word apiece tattooed onto their bodies).
Gin Rummy
“I thought you said you gave up gin.” “I did.” “You gave up gin?” “Yeah. Yes. I did.” “You gave up gin.” “Yes, sir.” “You’re sipping from a twisty straw in a bottle of Tanqueray.” “Yeah, so?” “So . ....
Cautionary Tales for Teens
When opening a condom, never tear the wrapper completely in two. You will not notice the narrow strip left behind on the floor, but someone else will. You only have one condom, because you had to pool resources with a...
Happy Birthday, Joaquin Pheonix!
Dear Joaq, Happy 29th Birthday! Why do people keep telling me I look like you? Stop looking like me! Go fuck yourself. Geoff...
Thank You for Being So Understanding about That Partial Prefrontal Lobotomy
Dear Mr. Trumbull, I write this letter on behalf of Doctors Epstein, Wilcox, and Goldfarb, who performed your operation; the radiology and anesthesia departments; our wonderful nursing staff who diligently tended to your convalescent needs; our legal advisors; as well...
Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
Dear Roberto, Happy birthday! I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and to...
Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
Dear Roberto, Happy 51st Birthday! I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and...
For the Record, That's Not Why We're Pissed at Ourselves
from: Mike and Julie Kronen [unme2@comcast.net] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Skin Project Aren't you all cool?!? Someone comes up with a creative venue of expression and it seems you all are more pissed at yourselves for not thinking of it...
Happy Birthday, India.Arie!
http://India.Arie: Happy 27th Birthday! India.Arie, what's up with the punctuation? Hyphens in a name are O.K. (like Jean-Luc) and even apostrophes (like O'Irish) but, seriously, what the hell is up with that period? Are you some high-tech supercomputer program...
Happy Birthday, Bobby Knight!
Dear Bobby, Happy birthday, you sexy beast. I'm a veteran of many an abusive relationship. In fact, nothing turns this puppy on more than being told I'm a worthless maggot who doesn't even deserve to be there. Please Mr. Knight,...
Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life
“Do you have my money, Piglet?” “I’m sorry, Pooh. I can get it by next week. I promise. Just give me a few days.” “You said that last week, Piglet.” “I know, Pooh. I mean it this time.” “Oh, bother....
Happy Birthday, F. Murray Abraham!
Dear F, Happy 64th Birthday! Are you related to me? Cousin? Uncle? Something like that? Because I only have one favor to ask: Do you know Charlize Theron? Love, Josh...
Poker
“O.K., I’ll raise you 25.” “Call.” “Call.” “Hey, Bill, what are these drapes made out of?” “What?” “The drapes. Is it chenille?” “Why, yes it is, Doug. I didn’t think you’d notice.” “Of course, Chenille is a marvelous fabric, isn’t...
Evolution
It was a bleak and bitter winter morning. Gronk and Yorg emerged from their cave, wrapped in woolly mammoth hides. They sat before the cave’s mouth, huddled together for warmth, and dug their fingers into the frozen earth to find...
Bowling
Welcome to Introduction to Bowling, my friends. How exciting! I’m sure you’re all bowled over with anticipation, ha, ha, ha. That’s a little Bowling joke. Anyway, you’re about to embark on an exciting, spiritual journey into the sport of kings....
"Page Six" of Artforum
BLIND ITEMS WHICH detested neo-realist threw a wild, drug-fueled party before his recent marriage? The image-maker was parading about his loft wearing only socks and showing off his leather outfits and sex toys . . . WHICH transgressive sculptor/videographer, who...
Happy Birthday, Jerry Orbach!
Dear Jerry, Happy 68th Birthday! Jerry, you've been playing a cop on "Law & Order" and its ridiculous spinoffs for like 45 years already. I thought the police department had a really good pension program. When are you going to...
Pot Roast Is for Lovers
from: Garry [Gmansduc@aol.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] Hello, Y.P.R., my name is Garry (36), was looking for a good pot roast. Found. Whoever wrote the recipe is a true romantic and won me over....
Happy Birthday, Angela Lansbury!
Dear Ms. Lansbury, Happy 78th Birthday! Tonight, 11 o'clock, my place. You, me, a box of wine, and I'm cooking up some Steak-Umms. Just the way you like ’em. See you there, sexy. Yours, Josh...
Kill Bill, Vol. II: Please Watch It
The auteur implores you to see his chop-sockey bloodfest.
Happy Birthday, Penny Marshall!
Dear Ms. Marshall, Happy 61st Birthday! Penny, I was digging through the farthest reaches of my jumbo walk-in closet in search of my lucky pleather pants when I found a couple of shirts with Bedazzler-bejeweled cursive capital letter Ls over...
Woodstock
In Which Amy Visits a Working Dairy Farm and Tries to Find a Neck
Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Erotica
The English “Roses” by Madonna The Maladroit Vicar & the Impenetrable Bodice I've Got the Hots for LorraineWho Wants to Fuck a Millionaire? You Gold-Diggin' Whore.Yo Deseo Entrer Sus Pantalones Well-Hung Jewish Men (a Novella) Sex Me Up, Sex...
Happy Birthday, Sir Roger Moore!
Dear Rog, Happy 76th Birthday! You know, you share a name with a skinny black kid on an American television program called, "What's Happening!!" That Rog also had a sarcastic sister named Dee, a chubby friend nicknamed "Rerun," and another...
A Slice of Heaven
We all know that God is all-powerful, all-mighty, all-knowing and all-seeing. But there are a few things that we don’t know about God. Take this trip to Heaven with me and meet the man behind the Bible. Though God technically...
Terms of Endearment
Nicknames I Have for My Girlfriend’s Cha-Cha Ruth Dolores Vera Bessie Gina Enid Gladys Pilar Delicious Mushpuff Mary-Ann Ann-Marie Indira Fred Gwendolyn Hoobastank Imelda Basement Jaxx Cheech Chong Sweet & Lowdown Nicknames My Girlfriend Has for My Manhood Roger...
Admissions Essays of Harvard Applicants Wholly Unqualified to Attend
At the end of my four years, I think it's very important that I be known campus-wide for my falafel-cooking ability.
VH1 Acquires Michael Ian Black
New York, N.Y. (AP) -- In a strategic move that stunned the entertainment industry Thursday, media conglomerate Viacom, Inc., announced that it had acquired Michael Ian Black in an effort to corner the market on the actor/comedian’s witty and insightful...
Happy Birthday, Sigourney Weaver!
Dear Siggy, Happy 54th Birthday! Know what? Nobody can hear you scream under water, either. Not just in outer space, but right here on earth, too! Just off the coast of Mexico, for example. I know this because I stepped...
Happy Birthday, Yo-Yo Ma!
Dear Yo-Yo, Happy 48th Birthday! Yo-Yo, if (hypothetically speaking) you fed trace amounts of silver nitrate to a werewolf every day, do you think over time he'd build up a tolerance and eventually you'd have a wolfman that couldn't be...
Random Selections from the 'H' Volume of the Encyclopedia
Horse is a large, four-legged animal that, when sat upon and led by a Carnie with three teeth, will take you around a foul, dung-filled, rotting path for just 3 dollars. Hokey Pokey is a silly stupid game/dance/activity for retards...
Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott!
Dear Seann, Happy 27th Birthday! Seann, I've recently undergone chin-implant plastic surgery as the first of many steps in a complex facial reconstruction process so that I may one day look exactly like you. (Do not think this means I...
Happy Birthday, Alicia Silverstone!
Dear Ali-ci-a, Happy 27th Birthday! Man, I sure was head-over-heels for you sometime post-"Cryin'" and pre-"Amazin'." That's a pretty narrow window, sure, but my fancies are fickle. You like how I pronounced your name right, though? Happy Birthday! Best wishes,...
Happy Birthday, Kate Winslet!
Dear Kate, Happy 28th Birthday! Kate, you sure like to show your boobs a lot. (Thanks!) Don't you think you could have given us just a little peep to make The Life of David Gale even halfway watchable? That movie...
Happy Birthday, Václav Havel!
Dear Václav, Happy 67th Birthday! Would you believe I invented a new drink recipe called the Václava Lamp? It's delicious. You start with two jiggers Captain Morgan's spiced rum, add a jigger of Jack Daniel's, a couple jiggs of Glenlivet,...
Happy Birthday, Rachael Leigh Cook!
Dear R.L.C., Happy 24th Birthday! And now, a birthday riddle for you: I'm food. But you can't eat all of me. First you have to throw away my outside and then cook my inside. Then, you eat my cooked outside...
Happy Birthday, Charlton Heston!
Dear Chuckles, Happy 79th Birthday! Did you shoot anyone for your birthday, Chuck? I bet you did! I like shooting people, too, Chuck. I also like twirling my gun on my finger. Whoo-hoo, lookit me, I'm a cowboy! Yee-ha! Hot...
What's on the News Tonight?
NBC: Tom Brokaw examines what makes the human spirit so strong in all of us, in this NBC News special, “Feet: How We’ll Get To Where We’re Going” CBS: Dan Rather leads a frank and open discussion with leading, doctors,...
Happy Birthday, Chubby Checker!
Dear Chubby, Why did I think you were older than 62? Also, how come your nickname is 10-year-old slang for an erection? Just wondering. Happy Birthday, ya fat fuck. Happy 62nd Birthday! Geoff "Stiffy" Wolinetz...
My Sitcom Pitch to a Guy in the Elevator Who I’m Pretty Sure Was NBC President Jeff Zucker, Despite His Insistence to the Contrary
Say, aren’t you Jeff Zucker? “No.” Yes, you are! You’re NBC President Jeff Zucker! “Me llamo Hector.” Jeff Zucker in an elevator with me! Hot damn! The PRESIDENT of NBC! Goodness! “My name is Hector, señor, sir. I work in...
Reviews by a Stupid, Bitter Asshole Who Just Got Fired and Hit the Bottle, Thereby Causing His Wife to Leave Him, Thus Forcing Him to Redouble His Drinking
New Shows: Coupling: More like Crapling! That new show with Luis Guzmán: I don't really get "ethnic" humor. I do like salsa, though, so I gave it a shot. The result: muy crappola. Besides, there's too many Spanish people on...
Happy Birthday, Haypenny!
Dear Haypenny, Happy 2nd birthday! Thank God for you guys. Otherwise we'd have to write this to Esai Morales (41) or Randy Quaid (53) or Julie Andrews (68) and none of them are talking to us anymore after that wild...
More New TV Shows Premièring This Week
Gay-Themed Teleision Shows Premièring on Bravo Really Flamboyantly Queer Eye for Queer Guys that Are Only Moderately Queer Homo See, Homo Do How's Your Gaydar?: A Game Show Gays A-Poppin' Want To Have A Fag? (a British import) 8...
Happy Birthday, Lacey Chabert!
Dear Lacey, Happy 21st Birthday! My, you've developed quite nicely. I bet some of your costar J. L. Hewitt's talents have rubbed off on you, if you know what I'm sayin.' Her "assets," if ya get me. I think you...
Stowe
In Which Amy Gets Wasted and Decides to Go Rock Climbing
Happy Birthday, Monica Bellucci!
Dear Bellucci, What are your feet like? Happy Birthday. Geoff Wolinetz...
Premières You May Have Missed
The FOX News Comedy Hour Each week, a guest host will burn effigies of noted liberals, interspersed with stock footage of flags waving, armies marching, bombs sailing and the Third Reich goose-stepping. It’s a laugh riot! Nip/Slice In this FX...
Fall Première Week
In which Y.P.R. gives the Nielsen-ratings people something to freak out about.
Happy Birthday, Andrew "Dice" Clay!
Dear "Diceman," Happy 45th Birthday! Here's a birthday nursery rhyme for you: Jack Sprat could eat no fat His wife could eat no lean But betwixt the two of them They netted more money than you did last year. (It's...
Happy Birthday, Gwyneth Paltrow!
Dear Gwynnie, Damn, girl, why you so cold? All the best, Josh...
The Apology
Regarding yesterday's posting of “Hollywood Interruption,” written by Y.P.R. coëditor, Josh Abraham: First and foremost, the author wishes to apologize for wasting your precious, precious time by forcing upon you a rambling, incoherent outburst about his tired and tiresome day....
Happy Birthday, Olivia Newton-John!
Dear O.N.-J., Happy 45th Birthday! Olivia, I'm sorry about your career. You know, ’cause it sucks and all, with the no movie roles and the sucking and everything. Maybe it's because your Australian accent was never all that convincing. Paul...
Happy Birthday, Senator Kefauver
Dear Y.P.R., Can I call you Y.P.R.? I would have written, but I'm too poor to buy a stamp. Besides, being a Web site, electronic mail seems more appropriate. But I digress. Y.P.R., in a way we grew up together....
Hollywood Interruption
10:00 a.m. Hi. This is me, Josh, coëditor of Y.P.R. How are you all? Good? Good. Me, I’m tired and slightly delirious. Today, I’m forcibly interrupting the normal progress of Y.P.R. to say hello to you all directly (as I’ve...
Happy Birthday, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Dear Mike & Cathy, Holy crap, you guys got the same birthday! 25 years apart, but still, the same day. That's so freakin' awesome, you guys. Good for you! And good luck with all them new kids. Mike, you just...
First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter
Dear Boss, I hereby submit this letter of resignation because I have fouled things up so royally and irreparably that it'd be best if I left before I got caught, because then I’d get yelled at, and possibly sued. Please...
Y.P.R.’s Cheap & Stupid Stunt for Shameless Self-Promotion That Nonetheless Guarantees a Good Time for One and All
This week, the writer Shelley Jackson* announced her rather macabre plans for the “alternative press” printing of her new short story, “Skin”: each of its 2000 words will be tattooed on a different reader’s body. Afterward, the completed work will...
Inner Monologue from This Morning's Subway Commute
Knicks / O.C. / Walken / My Body Is a Wonderland / Madge / Fall TV/ Matt Lauer’s Awful Hair / My Heavy Bags Memo to Scott Layden, G.M. of the New York Knicks: You need Kurt Thomas to play...
Putney
In Which Amy Samples Some of the State's Finer Cuisine
Flirting with Death
Jimmy liked to live dangerously. He liked his steak rare, his eggs runny, his milk expired. He chain-smoked unfiltered cigarettes. When sunbathing, he used lotion with very low SPF. When driving his Ford Pinto (six months overdue for inspection!) he...
Happy Birthday, Ray Charles!
Dear Guy Who Reads Ray Charles’s Mail to Him: Wish Ray a Happy 73rd Birthday, will you? Thanks. Now tell him that, as far as blind, black musicians go, he’s the best there is, except maybe for Stevie. I really...
Happy Birthday, Ani Difranco!
Dear Ani, Happy 33rd Birthday! What’s a groovy hippie chick do to celebrate her birthday? Maybe you could write a song that would inspire my girlfriend to start shaving her legs again. Yecch. Thanks a lot, Ani. I hope you’re...
Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play
VERONICA, 34, a slightly chubby, not too bright midget with a club foot. Veronica works days at the local health club, handing out towels to the people who enter the gym's pool area. She also enforces the "no running" rule...
Happy Birthday, Jerry Bruckheimer!
Dear Jerry, Happy 58th Birthday! Bam! Kapow! Blammo! Rock’em Sock’em! Zing! Zowie! Asteroids! Plane crashes! Car chases! Bombs! Explosions! Train wrecks! Missiles! Jet fighters! Talking kangaroos! All that, and yet still your movies are rotten. Kaplooey!! Jackass. Happy Birthday, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Dave Coulier!
Dear Uncle Joey, Happy 44th Birthday! I swear, I had predicted you’d be the big star post-“Full House” and John Stamos would be sleeping in the gutter. Man, did I have that backwards. Happy Birthday! Sincerely, Josh Abraham...
Dear Jen
Dear Jen, I’m sorry. I know you’re still in a state of shock, but the truth is, we were doomed from the start. For one thing, I’m a winter, you’re a fall. Plus, I never told you this, but several...
Happy Birthday, Tommy Lee Jones!
Dear Tommy Lee, Happy 57th Birthday! Dude, I watch my bootleg copy of Whoops, Where's My Home Video? starring you and Pammy gittin' it on every single night before I go to sleep. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen....
Chimps
Loraine? “Yes, Burt?” Are you sleeping? “No.” *Sigh.* “Is something wrong, honey?” No. Yes... Loraine, how come you don’t pick nits off my back anymore? “Burt--” Are you having an affair? “. . .” You are. I knew it. You...
Happy Birthday, Paul Walker!
Dear Paul, Happy 30th Birthday! Paul, I live in the Bronx so I see the impact you've had on the world. Now, most people might dismiss the importance of your not-so-critically acclaimed filmhouse masterpiece, The Fast and the Furious. I...
Happy Birthday, Yao Ming!
Dear Yao, Happy 23rd Birthday! Dude, what's the deal? Unless my stereotypes are crossed, I thought Asians were supposed to be a very small people. Are you sure you're Asian, Yao? Maybe you're half-Swedish, or half-black? Is that possible? You...
No More Fun
Citizens, gather round. Come one, come all. Yes, even you, my little bespectacled devil—Oh, aren’t you a cutie? I bet you’re a lot like Claire Forlani; remove those specs and reveal a sweet nymph. The reason I have called this...
Postmodern Irony Final Exam
PMI-110A: Introduction to Postmodern Irony/Ironic Postmodernism Final Exam Section IV: Essay Please select one (1) topic from the first three questions, one (1) from the middle three questions, and one (1) from the last three questions. Answer each in the...
On Values and Other Positions
My room is hot. My room is hot and I have spent the last five minutes staring at my bracelet. My bracelet is old and the chain is made of some kind of metal that is supposed to look like...
Happy Birthday, Hugh Grant!
Dear Mr. Grant, Happy 43rd Birthday! You know, it's the damnedest thing: as an American, I find girls with a British accent to be a huge, huge turn on--strangely sophisticated and slightly naughty (Hurley, Beckinsale, Nigella, et al.). Yet when...
Happy Birthday, Adam Sandler
Dear Sandler, Abby dooby doooooo. Habby woooo. Love, Geoff...
Gygantopithecus Blackus, or, The Hunt for "Big Al"
Stalking the elusive "Bigfoot" of North America has been an activity of cryptozoölogists and laymen for centuries. Known by many different names like Sasquatch, Omah, and even "Big Al," could these gigantic, hairy creatures be real or just a figment...
Happy Birthday, Henry Thomas!
Dear That Kid from E.T., Happy 32nd Birthday! Way to go with that career, buddy. You should have done more booze and drugs during your formative years, and you'd be a huge star like Drew by now. Oh well. Better...
Happy Birthday, Pink!
Dear Pink, Happy 24th Birthday! Pink, why aren't you pink anymore? You know I don't handle change well. At first you were 100% pink, and I got that. Then, you were a pink-and-blonde blend, which was cool. Then brunette with...
The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab
The ghost crabs that inhabit the beaches of the Carolinas are in the midst of an evolutionary change: they are evolving from marine to land creatures, which explains why one of them was living in the arid, higher-altitude area of...
Happy Birthday, Brooke Burke!
Dear Brooke, Happy 32nd Birthday! Two words for you, babe: "Wild on the Inside of My Pants." O.K., that's seven. So what? Your friend, Ray Stillman...
Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca “Piedi di Monica Bellucci”
Dear foot fetishists, Bellucci enthusiasts, celebrity podiatrists, assorted freaks and weirdoes, Nearly every day one of you oddballs curiously seeks results for some variant of the phrase “Monica Bellucci’s feet” from Google and, thanks to the vast intricacies of search-engine...
Happy Birthday, Beyoncé!
Dear Beyoncé, Happy 22nd Birthday! Well, it seems like you have it all, Beyoncé. You have a famous rapper boyfriend. A successful musical career, both group and solo. You are beautiful. Millions of men want you. Millions of women want...
Lady, Your Pipes Need Cleaning
Look, lady, your pipes are all clogged up. They need to be cleaned out. They--what? Oh, it’s the tools. The weight of the tools in my belt is what makes my pants hang so low. I know, I know--it’s kind...
Happy Birthday, Eileen Brennan!
Dear Mrs. Peacock, You were never pretty. In Murder by Death, you were at least O.K.-looking. Nothing spectacular, but still O.K. Now, you look like an old catcher's mitt. How are you only 65? You know botox is really fucking...
Happy Birthday, Adam Curry!
Dear Adam, Who's headbanging now, chump? Best, Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen!
Dear Charlie, Happy 38th Birthday! For a child of privilege who spent the bulk of his youth blowing gigantic quantities of cash on hookers and drugs, you sure did O.K. for yourself! Damn, your wife is a hot piece of...
Sentiments Anti-Français
In which Y.P.R. resorts to the milking of outdated, hackneyed stereotypes to exploit America's love/hate relationship with France.
In which Y.P.R. resorts to the milking of outdated, hackneyed stereotypes to exploit America's love/hate relationship with France.
Let's Go France!
French Things that Stink (on Purpose) Pepe Le Pew Cheese French Things that Stink (Unintentionally) Paris Chirac EuroDisney Red-and-white-striped shirts and berets Mimery Henrí, the dude who tried to steal Woody Boyd's girlfriend The unconditional love and admiration of...
The Nose
Ever since Wanda, my ex-fiancée, broke off the engagement in order to pursue her lifelong dream of marrying a marine biologist, I’d been keeping my bathtub fully stocked with goldfish, catfish, neon tetras, guppies—pretty much anything piscine and cheap. I...
Happy Birthday, Keanu!
Dear Keanu, Happy 39th Birthday, dude! To celebrate your special day, I think we should all get stoned and watch The Matrix on DVD. Also, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey is on TBS. They don't call it the Superstation for...
A Postcard from Paris
Dear Nicky, The Hamptons just isn't the same without you! I miss you so much! I can't wait to see you as soon as you get done having sex with all of the Green Bay Packers! I saw you on...
Louis XIV's To-Do List
ç Don't shower ç Grope chambermaid ç Piss in chamber pot. Toss out window. ç Diddle the houseboy. ç Don't shower ç Call Marie re: cake ç Gaze at my reflection in mirrored hallway. Hump my reflection. Belch. ç Scratch...
Useful Phrases for the American in Paris
Je recherche un talonneur appelé Marie. Elle peut avoir ma pochette.: I'm looking for a hooker named Marie. She may have my wallet.
Everything Is Translated
We mistranslate Jonathan Safran Foer's delightfully mistranslated Everything Is Illuminated.
Random Selections from the 'U' Volume of the Encyclopedia
Umbrellas are good for staying dry in the rain... for normal people. Criminal masterminds may see the umbrella as a tool for shooting mind-controlling rays upon the public. Uganda is a country in Africa. There are a lot of black...
Happy Birthday, Jason Priestly!
Dear Brandon, Happy 34th Birthday! It took 10 long years of blood, sweat, and tears, but I've finally achieved the level of sideburnal perfection that you reached in 1993. I've got to say, it looks awesome. I sometimes spend hours...
The Travis Diaries
June 2, 2003 I really wish I were a guy named “Travis.” The name just exudes coolness. Like that guy from "WKRP." You know, Travis. I think I’d do so well with the ladies if when I met them I...
Happy Birthday, Sgt. Slaughter!
Dear Sgt. Slaughter, U.S. Army (Ret.), I'm a little confused. Which is your true vocation? Are you an officer in the United States military? Are you a character on beloved 1980s children's cartoon “G.I. Joe”? Are you a professional wrestler?...
Happy Birthday, Pee-wee Herman!
Dear Pee-wee, Happy 51st Birthday! Pee-wee, I want you to know that I've always stood by you (figuratively). What kind of society do we live in if a grown man who likes to wear lipstick and bowties and a suit...
"I Do"
How I Will Refer to My Wife if or When I Get Married (Which, by the Way, I Will Only Refer to as ‘Getting Hitched’) “The missus.” “The little lady.” “The lil’ lady.” “The ol’ ball and chain.” But...
Six Months
Well, folks, it's been a long six months.* It's been a blast for us and we hope you've had some fun too. We're taking a much-needed "personal day" to sleep off this vicious hangover. We'd like to thank our...
Extreme Creative Writing
Take out your pencils and go to the electric pencil sharpener; I want all of you to have them sharpened in ten seconds! I want to hear a constant blur of electricity with no pauses! If I hear a pause...
Happy Birthday, Norman Schwarzkopft!
Dear Norm, Happy 69th Birthday! I have only a very limited knowledge of the German language, but as far as I can decipher, your surname means "black-head." Just whose side are you on, General? Suspiciously, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Cindy Williams!
Dear Shirley, O.K., let me ask you a question. I've been watching some reruns and I noticed that Laverne wears an "L" on all of her shirts. I also noticed that there is no "S" on any of your shirts....
A Reason to Party
-----Original Message----- From: Your Friends At Evite [mailto:info@newsletter.evite.com] Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:26 PM To: Pot Roast, Yankee Subject: August Newsletter Correction Dear Evite Newsletter Subscriber, Yesterday we mailed a newsletter to our subscribers with incorrect dates for three...
Happy Birthday, Erika Christenson!
Dear Erika, Happy 21st Birthday! You've got no right looking like Julia Stiles as much as you do. Good night. Best wishes, Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Kim Catrall!
Dear Ms. Cattrall, Happy 47th Birthday! 47! That's three years shy of 50! And you still get nekkid and do it all naughty-like every week. You're really earning your Emmy nomination, huh? I mean, what do you possibly think when...
Horseshit.
You made me laugh today, I thought it couldn't be done. Thank you. Yours, Michelle Orange...
Happy Birthday, Al Roker!
Dear Al, Happy 49th Birthday! So, as I understand it . . . you're not fat anymore? You're sort of on the average-build size? I don't know, Al. I like my Al Roker fat and jolly. Without the fat, the...
Happy Birthday, John Stamos!
Johnny-Boy, Happy 40th Birthday! First you ruined the Beach Boys for me. Now you've taken Rebecca Romijn away from me! What next? You knock up my sister? I'm just kidding: I don't give a shit about the Beach Boys. Those...
Happy Birthday, Frank McCourt!
Dear Mr. McCourt, Happy 73rd Birthday! Mr. McCourt, have you ever even been to an early 20th-century Irish ghetto? I doubt it. For one thing, your books make no mention of leprechauns, and everybody knows real Irish ghettos are overrun...
Happy Birthday, Bill & Tipper!
Dear Tipper & Bill, Happy 55th and 57th Birthdays! Boy, I am so glad I'm not Al Gore. Oh, wait a minute ... I am. Shit. Sincerely, Albert Arnold Gore Jr. former Vice-President, United States of America...
Possible Names for My Rock Band
Goes to Bollywood Vömit Johnny Clash Men without Work Retro Johnny and the Kitschy References Stinkbömb. Kick Ass, Falco The Mama's Boys Wheezin' Jesus and the Asthmatics Holy Inhaler: a Tribute to Wheezin' Jesus and the Asthmatics Carol Burnett...
Dear Christina Aguilera
Dear Ms. Aguilera, I used to believe that you were just another irritating pop star, but I recently read a bit of gossip about you placing Kelly Osbourne in a headlock, and I freely admit that I was wrong. You...
"I Am Your Governor" by Arnold Schwarzenegger
I will chew you up in my powerful jaws and swallow you, where you will be digested along with the remnants of Coleman and Flynt and Flynt’s wheelchair. Then I will smoke a Cuba cigar, and make sweet love to my beautiful Kennedy wife.
Happy Birthday, Malcolm-Jamal Warner!
Dear M-J, Happy 33rd Birthday! Dude, tell that bastard Cockroach he owes me 70 bucks. If that sumbitch doesn't pay up soon, I'm gonna get all slaphappy on his deadbeat ass with the leg that broke off my coffee table....
Happy Birthday, Patrick Swayze!
Dear Mr. Swayze, Happy 51st Birthday! Wow, 51! How did you get so old? It seems like just yesterday you were warning me not to put Baby in a corner. But now you're kind of old. I think I'll put...
Happy Birthday, Christian Slater!
Dear Christian, Happy 34th Birthday! Heathers: Good. Pump Up the Volume: Good. True Romance: Fucking good. Everything else: Not so much. Happy Birthday! Your friend, Ray...
Happy Birthday, Robert Redford!
Dear Mr. Redford, Happy 66th Birthday! Bob, what the hell happened to you? You used to be this good-looking golden boy, or so old people tell me. Now you look like you dipped your face in a vat of molten...
Happy Birthday, Madeleine Stowe!
Madeleine: Happy 45th Birthday. Look, I know you're famous, but I have no idea who you are. I'm not even sure I've ever seen any of your movies. Were you in that cowgirl flick, Bad Girls? I think I might...
Obituaries
August, 1984 Hank, beloved goldfish. He was the one with the black spot on his tail. He swam a lot. Hank died of natural causes. He is survived by his loving friends, Henry, Howie, and Harry. August, 1984 Henry, beloved...
Happy Birthday, Edward Norton!
Dear Mr. Norton, Happy 34th Birthday! So, what's the deal with your parents? Were they hardcore "Honeymooners" fans? Or was it just bad luck? Sure, now everybody recognizes your name, but before you were famous I'll bet you had plenty...
.edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater
Dear Binghamton, Thank you for your e-mail concerning Binghamton Homecoming. While I am pleased you consider me a distinguished enough alumnus to keep me informed of key happenings in the Binghamton Universe, I’d like to save you some trouble. After...
"Huff in Here" by Arianna Huffington
Helloooo, Californiaaaa! I know what you are thinking. My creepy accent sounds downright un-American, my husband tried to buy a Senatorial election, my political commentary is not only poorly spoken, but well off the mark, and my reputation as a...
Happy Birthday, Halle Berry!
Dear Halle, OOOOOklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma! Ha, ha, ha, go ask Steve what I'm talking about. Happy 37th Birthday! Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Steve Martin!
Dear Steve, OOOOOklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma! Happy 58th Birthday! Geoff Wolinetz...
"In Like Me" by Larry Flynt
Yeargghhh, howdy, folks. You may lookit me and see “Larry Flynt, smut peddler,” but you folks is got all wrong. That was the old me. Welcome to new me, Gub’na Larry Hustler. The choice of the Golden State. Schwarzenegger? Muscle-bound...
"Watchu Talkin' ’bout Cali?" by Gary Coleman
Watchu talkin’ ’bout Sacramento? Watchu talkin’ ’bout Anaheim? Watchu talkin’ ’bout Golden Gate Bridge? Ha, ha, ha. Hi folks. I’m Gary Coleman, and I’d like to tell y’all why I’m the man for governor of this great state of California....
Happy Birthday, Casey Affleck!
Dear Casey, Happy 28th Birthday! O.K., Case, you're 28 now. Stop trying to be like me. You're palling around with Matt Dillon, you're engaged to Linda Lopez, you've got that drinking/pill-poppin' problem ... I know you want to play comic-book...
Californication
In which Y.P.R. presents public addresses from some of the candidates of the 2003 California Recall Election Free-for-All.
Timothy McSweeney's Pretentious Horseshit
In which Y.P.R. lovingly satirizes our friend McSweeney's.
Happy Birthday, Hulk Hogan!
Dear Hulk, When I was 8 years old, I watched you at Wrestlemania I. Things didn't look good. The Iron Sheik had you on the mat. He had put you into his vaunted move, the Camel Clutch. Things were grim....
Happy Birthday, Alan Keyes!
Al: Happy 53rd Birthday! For my science-fair project, I played some VHS tapes of "Alan Keyes Is Making Sense" on one TV, and Talking Heads' awesome concert film, Stop Making Sense on another TV. Whenever I'd position the two televisions...
Happy Birthday, Soleil Moon Frye!
Dear Punky, Happy 27th Birthday! You're hot. It's true. But, Jesus Christ, woman, put some fucking weight on. Your face looks like the shriveled guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who drank from the wrong...
Happy Birthday, M. Night Shyamalan!
Dear Mr. Shamalayamayamanana, Happy 33rd Birthday! M., you've ruined the face of American cinema forever. Now everybody's got to have that "Big Twist" at the end to shock us, and half the time, it just doesn't make any sense! Like...
Happy Birthday, Geri Halliwell!
Dear Gingy, There's this old lady who lives on my block named Gertrude. I don't know how old she is exactly, but her face looks like a raisin and she calls movies "talkies," so she's probably, like, 300 years old....
The Nine Lives of Chester the Cat
August, 1992. Marci and I bring home a kitten we’ve adopted from the shelter. We cannot agree on a name; Marci likes “Mr. Sniffles,” I want “Conan the Catbarian.” Distracted during the heat of discourse, I accidentally sit on...
Goth
I wanted desperately to be a Goth. Not just any old Goth; I would be the Gothiest Goth girl in all Seattle. I lived in Little Rock, though, so I had to pack all my things into my Camaro and...
Happy Birthday, Jonathan Silverman!
Dear Silverman, O.K., when you were a kid you were in Brighton Beach Memoirs. It was a good performance. You had that "Single Guy" show for a while, which wasn't bad either, but that was mostly because of Ernest Borgnine....
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Mutated Cloned Offspring
My mutated cloned offspring is just like me, except for the extra digits. So be nice and gentle. And wear gloves. And bring gloves for it. Make sure to knit a couple of extra fingers in the gloves, or, at...
Happy Birthday, Billy Bob Thornton!
Dear Billy Bob, Happy 48th Birthday! Billy Bob, you're 48 years old today. You're an accomplished actor, screenwriter, and director. You've had some marriages. Don't you think it's time to start calling yourself "William Robert"? "Billy Bob" is an appropriate...
Behind the Scenes: Gigli
Plot Synopsis Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a mob thug who must team up with sassy, sexy Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to complete a job. At first, Gigli is fooled by the rocks Ricki got. She used to have a little,...
Happy Birthday, Tempestt Bledsoe!
Dear Ms. Bledsoe, This is your final notice. Please remit payment or we're going to repossess your Sony Wega 50" Plasma Screen television. Also, happy birthday. Geoff Wolinetz...
Happy Birthday, Dom DeLuise!
Dear Dom, Do you weigh a metric ton yet? I have a bet going with a buddy that you'd weigh a metric ton by your 70th birthday. You gotta write me back because I have 10 bucks riding on this....
Dear Honorary Mayor of Hollywood
30 July 2003 Office of the Honorable Johnny Grant 9800 Sunset Drive Hollywood, CA 90028 To the Honorable Honorary Mayor Grant, I write you this letter in desperation. I have tried to appeal to anyone who will listen but no...
Happy Birthday, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Dear Mr. Schwarzenegger, Happy 56th Birthday! I'm sorry to hear you decided to not usurp the gubernatorial throne of the Golden State, Arnie. You'd make a fantastic ruler, as evidenced by your leadership qualities displayed so nobly in Conan the...
Happy Birthday, Ken Burns!
Dear Mr. Burns, Happy 50th Birthday! I thoroughly enjoyed you most recent documentary, Pudding. I watched all 36 hours of it, and then rewound all my videotapes and watched it straight through again! That's like 3 full days of pudding!...
Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Berkley!
Dear Jesse Spano, Happy 31st Birthday! Jesse, what happened? You were the shining star of Bayside High School. You were valedictorian! We all had such high hopes for you after graduation. Not there's anything wrong with being a Showgirl, but...
A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter
Written by a guy who never read the books or watched the films, but is pretty good at figuring things out. Ah, the wonderful world of witchcraft and wizardry! That J. K. Simmons really transports us into a delusional fantasy...
Dialogue from Deleted Scenes from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Yarr matey, behold: the good ship Epcot. Avast, be that Lizzie McGuire in the distance? Ahoy! Land ho! Let’s loot and pillage like the pirates we be! And then let's rape the fair maidens. If we have no time for...
Swiffer
Swiffer: it’s a stick, much like a broomstick, except at the business end, where you’d expect to see a broom or mop or something with pincers, there’s just this empty non-thing that doesn’t do anything until you wrap it with...
Happy Birthday, J. Lo!
Dear J. Lo, Happy 33rd Birthday! I love you soooooooooo much. In fact, you inspired me to adopt a nickname like yours. But for me it wasn't enough. I actually went to the court house and had my name officially...
The 10-Spot
Tonight, watch teenagers in bikinis get soaking wet and suffer occasional concussions on an all-new “Surf Girls.” It's a sports documentary, really. With sexy girls dripping wet and hemorrhaging from one-too-many smacks to the head because surfing is hard, especially...
Happy Birthday, Daniel Radcliffe!
Dear Kid Who Plays "Harry Potter," Happy 14th Birthday! Dude, you're so going to get laid by that chick who plays Hermione! As you grow into young adulthood, you'll find millions of teenage girls throwing themselves at you. Stay clean,...
Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever
Host: Welcome back, folks! During our commercial break, our judges’ panel voted to award Barry 15 points for his answer, “Denmark.” Turns out that is a country in Europe after all. Who knew? O.K., now’s the time when Barry and...
Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Travel
Don't Drink the Water: A Guide to Everywhere Outside the United States England for Just Under $180 A Day Italy from Heel to Toe (Get it? It looks Like a Boot!) I Left My Heart in Saudi Arabia, Along with...
Happy Birthday, Larry 'Bud' Melman!
Dear Mr. DeForest (née Mr. 'Bud' Melman), Happy 81st! I'll never forget the day that I first saw you hold up a sign on "The Late Show with David Letterman." The sign said, "Eat me." And I was truly inspired....
Happy Birthday, Jon Lovitz!
Hey Lovitz, Where the hell have you been with that liar guy? He used to crack me up. I remember one time when I was talking to my friend One-Armed Phil. I says, "Phil, remember when Lovitz did the liar...
Infantile Nomenclature
it is likely you’ve selected Zoe, Chloe, Emma, Emily, or Abby for your daughter's name. This is terrible.
Happy Birthday, Vin Diesel!
Dear Mr. Diesel, Happy 36th Birthday! Two weeks ago, I was shopping for some sneakers downtown and I saw you shopping for jeans and you picked up a pair of Diesel jeans and tried them on and the hot little...
Happy Birthday, Hunter S. Thompson!
Dear H.S.T., Happy 67th Tomato, you God-damned lunatic! What? What? More syrup! The bears, the bears! That's not how to tie a Windsor knot, you psychotic rat bastard! En garde! Pavarotti pasta! Eat some more soup. Best fishes on your...
Potty Humor
Things I’ve Dropped into the Toilet at Work my co-worker's Zagat's guide my wristwatch, while trying to retrieve my coworker's Zagat's guide. my pants, while trying to retrieve my wristwatch a bagel and cream cheese surgical tubing, 1/8" in...
Happy Birthday, David Hasselhoff!
Dear David, Happy Birthday and congratulations on still being alive. If it weren't for reality TV stealing your thunder in the name of crap television programming, I believe my prediction of you being stoned to death for your lack of...
An Intervention Discovered upon Peeling off the Label on This Bottle of Beer
According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. Some women should not drink alcoholic beverages because they simply cannot hold their liquor. You, Tara Cohen, have a...
Happy Birthday, Pheobe Cates!
Dear Pheobe, Happy 40th Birthday! 40 years old? Already? It seems like just yesterday that I watched you emerge from the swimming pool in slow motion, spraying droplets of water as you shake your hair, slowly removing your slinky red...
Happy Birthdays, Brian Austin Green, Scott Foley, Brigette Nielson, Forest Whitaker, Willie Aames, Joe Satriani, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, & Arianna Huffington!
Dear Everybody, Happy 30th, 31st, 40th, 42nd, 43rd, 47th, 52nd, and 53rd Birthdays! I'm sorry for the collective birthday card, but I'm running low on stamps, and the cable bill's due. So: Brian: You rocked on "90210." Hope you're still...
The Persistance of Memory
First of all, I’ll admit, I was a little extreme back when we first met. I knew you liked good food and beer and literature so I memorized the entire “Restaurant and Bar” section of The New York Eyewitness Travel...
Happy Birthday, Tommy Mottola!
Dear Mr. Mottola, Why are you being such a prick? I've been sending you a demo tape on 8-track every single week for a year, and yet still I have no recording contract. Be honest: Do I really suck? Or...
Happy Birthday, Patrick Stewart!
Dear Pat, Happy 63rd Birthday! Yesterday, I went to my local deli that names sandwiches after big movie stars and I order a Patrick Stewart and a knish. The short-order cook said, "We don't name sandwiches after big movie stars...
Happy Birthday, Cameron Crowe!
Dear Cam, Happy 46th Birthday! Dude, you used to be all about the music. You changed, man. Best wishes, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Harrison Ford!
Dear Mr. Ford, Calista Flockhart? Really? See ya, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Cheech!
Dear Mr. Cheech, Ha ha-hah ha-ha ha-hah-ha ha-ha-ha-ha hah-hah-a-ha ha. Hah. Ha-haaaaaaa. What? My best to Chong, Josh...
Happy Birthday, Bill Cosby!
Dear Dr. Huxtable, Happy 66th Birthday! Cliff, have you seen I Spy, the new flick starring Eddie Murphy as the black half of the black-and-white buddy cops? It sucks so hard. And yet, it was only Eddie Murphy's third-worst flick...
I Love the 80s!
Guy from "Ed": Coke? I remember coke! I used to snort so much of it during the 80s! Coke was awesome. One time, I got sold a bag of chalk dust or something, and we all did it and got...
Happy Birthday, Lil' Kim!
Dear Lil' Kim, Happy 28th Birthday! Kim, I mean you no embarrassment, but I feel the need to inform you when you've made an error. Assuming "Lil" is indeed a truncated form of the word "Little," you are abbreviating incorrectly...
I Sooooo Need an Intern
Sir, first I'd like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me. Now, as you can see, I have a presentation, very in-depth, that I'd like to take you through. No time for shenanigans? No problem, I'll...
Why I'll Never Be Featured at the Cannes Film Festival
Cannes Film Festival Nomination Committee1000 Charles De Gaulle WayCannes, France 13 May, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Cannes Film Festival Nomination Committee, I would like to thank you for your recent submission for the 2004 Cannes...
Happy Birthday, Courtney Love!
My dearest Courtney, Happy fucking birthday, bitch! What should we do to celebrate your special day? Shoot some smack, lick an ashtray, roll around in mulch, vomit on a Gwyneth Paltrow and, finally, deficate in public? Sounds good to me,...
Inside the Actor's Studio
My acting credentials are well known. If you need convincing, please go to the library and pick up the nearest copy of Pickle This! In addition to being one of the finer works to be produced about traveling theater...
How It Ended: My Last Four Relationships
Cecilia Cecilia shaved her head. I loved running my fingers through her long brown curls, but I have to admit, the bald was sexy too. Her skull was so round like a basketball. I couldn’t resist the urge to...
Happy Birthday, Kevin Bacon!
Dear Mr. Bacon, Happy 45th Birthday! Kev, we're practically brothers. You see, you starred in Hollow Man with Elisabeth Shue ... and I saw that movie! You can fill in the 293 leapfrogs it takes to get from you to...
Where God Lies
A Play in One Act Bill: Holy shit, is that a photo shoot with God? John 3:14: Yeah, a spread too. Bill: Is he lying spread-eagle on a map of the Middle East? John 3:14: I think so. Bill: Wicked....
A Letter from Brent D. Glass, Director of the Smithsonian National Museum of American History
Hello, fellow Americans and history lovers! I'll never forget my first visit to the Smithsonian when I was nine years old. It sparked a lifelong love affair with history that burns strong within me to this day. In those days,...
George Washington's To-Do List, July 4, 1776
-- Get gay-looking white wig adjusted
A Junior-High School Student's Essay Found in This Old History Textbook
Mostly, the bicentennial means to me that America is 200 years old, which is older than everything else in America, except maybe some really big trees.
The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!
The British are coming! The French are climaxing! The Dutch are moaning! The Irish are writhing in ecstacy! The Polish are biting and sweating and shouting! The Greeks are being satisfied! The Australians are getting plowed! The Germans are cooking...
Four Fours
Four Things I Wish I Were Hung Drunk An original cast member of Porky's A strip-club D.J. Four Things Gilbert Gottfried Is Not (Now) Dead Funny Handsome Wide-eyed Four Best Performances by Quadrupeds in Films Gopher, Caddyshack Puxatawny Phil,...
Fourth of July Fourthiness
In which Y.P.R. proudly presents some barbecued hot dogs and fireworks that declare our independence from those dirty Brits.
If I Could Fly or Shoot Lasers from My Eyes
If I could fly, I think the world would me a much better place. For one thing, I’d never have to wait for the subway to come, and when it does come, I wouldn’t have to squeeze into an overstuffed,...
Happy Birthday, Tom Cruise!
You and Penélope should switch last names. Tom Cruz and Penélope Cruise. Now that's funny.
Reminiscing
Do you remember, my love? To me, it's as if it were only yesterday. Our youth. We were young then, nary a care in the world. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on you. Do you remember,...
Happy Birthday, Jose Canseco!
Dear Mr. Canseco, Jose. Jose. Jose. What have you done with yourself? As you celebrate your 39th birthday, I’m sure the last thing you want right now is somebody coming out and preaching to you but you look like you...
Hey, That's My C(r)ab!
Hey, That's My Cab! by Geoff Wolinetz HEY, THAT'S MY CAB! I've been waiting on this line for 45 minutes. You can't just swoop in and take this cab. I need this cab. It's been quite a difficult day...
Happy Birthday, Pamela Anderson!
Dear Pam, Happy 36th!! It has come to my attention that you've broken off your pending engagement to hip-hop rocker and popular recording artist Kid Rock. This is terribly distressing to me. You see, I had you guys in this...
Happy Birthday, Derek Jeter!
Dear "Jete", Happy 29th Birthday! We have something in common. I am also known as Mr. November. Certainly not on the scale which you are, but if you check the Rochester, Minnesota, Chippendale's calendar, there I am in the month...
An AOL Chat among Marcel Marceau, Teller, and That Chick from The Piano
Mime1: Tell2000: Pianolady: Mime1: Pianolady: Tell2000: Pianolady: Tell2000: Mime1: Mime1: Tell2000: Pianolady: Tell2000: Mime1: Tell2000: Pianolady: Pianolady: Pianolady: Pianolady: Mime1: Pianolady: Pianolady: [ You have been warned by Mime1 ]...
Happy Birthdays, Busy Philipps & Linda Cardellini!
Dear Sexy Ladies of Brilliant but Cancelled TV Series "Freaks and Geeks," Happy 24th and 28th birthdays! Wow, I bet there were some wild times on the set when you guys discovered you shared a special day! You two probably...
Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Self-Help
Deflating Your Pompous Ego:Getting Your Sorry-Ass Feet Back Down on Solid Ground, You Big Jackass It's Not Your Fault, It's Theirs 3 Steps to Personal HappinessorWhy Tequila Makes Everything Better Are You Taking Enough Pills? When Life Hands You...
Things I've Learned from the Internet
The Internet is a revolutionary tool that enables us to communicate all over the world. Its vast capacity for information storage is astounding and thus promotes our own knowledge and diversity. It has become the Industrial Revolution of our age....
[Nick Owes Geoff $5]
I for one am a huge admirer of Sir Geoff Wolinetz and his masterful thoughts on the physical world. The manner in which he communicates his anguish is sweetness of the highest order. Geoff, please allow me to share a...
Happy Birthday, Mick Fleetwood!
Dear Mr. Fleetwood, Happy 61st Birthday! If you ever become a porn star, you should change your name to "Flick Meatwood." That would rock hard. Happy Birthday! Best, Josh P.S. "Nevie Sticks" would have been good, back in the day....
Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass!
You think you’re so great. “Look at me. I’m Shakespeare. Millions of high-school students read my plays and poems. I’m so cool. Every pretentious jerk with an accent yearns to play the characters in my works. I had sex with...
Dear Spike Lee
40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks, Inc. 75 S. Elliot Pl. Third Floor Brooklyn, N.Y. 11217 Dear Spike, I understand you're in the process of suing TNN because they changed their network's name to Spike TV. They said it was...
Dear Hip-Hop
Dear Hip-Hop, I used to love you but now I hate you. It's not just the rise to fame of 50 Cent either. His name just sounds stupid, 50 Cent, not 50 cents. But I know how peculiar he is...
Happy Birthday, Selma Blair!
Dear Selma, Happy 31st birthday, Selma! I'm happy to tell you, Selma, that at this week's meeting of the International Sexy Names Committee (Southwest Boise chapter) you were voted--by a landslide*--"Sexiest Woman on the Planet Named Selma." You trounced Selma,...
Sports Origins
Boxing While simple "fighting" has been an entertaining distraction since prehistoric times, modern boxing was invented in London, England, in 1740 by two chaps both named Gregory. GREGORY: What a lovely afternoon. What shall we do to pass the time,...
Happy Birthday, Nicole Kimdan!
Dear Nicole, Happy 36th birthday! My girlfriend Betsy is almost a dead ringer for you: the bone structure, the curly red hair, the pasty white skin, the slightly above-average height that makes her appear freakishly tall in comparison with my...
Your Desk Is a Wonderland
Ninety-three percent of America's work force is surfing the Internet on their employers' dime. Of that percentage, nearly half will be reading this very article, (a quarter of whom have landed here unsuccessfully searching for "Bess Meyerson's nipples"). The remaining...
Happy Birthday, Kathleen Turner!
Dear Kathleen, Happy 49th! I can't believe you are only 49! How is it that you look so much like a man? I mean, I've seen manly women before. There's this one chick in my office who exactly like Dom...
Faster than a Speeding Bullet
Grown Men who Prance around in Spandex, but Are Not into Anything “Deviant” Mr. Fantastic The Thing The Punisher Iron Man Beast Dr. Octopus Green Hornet Plastic Man The Vulture Juggernaut Kraven the Hunter She-Hulk Mysterio Professor X Mr....
Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute
How many more times can I get excited for someone else's dreams to come true? Here I am, on this disgusting subway car, sitting next to a guy who smells like he just got back from a week-long deep-sea fishing...
Happy Birthday, Roger Ebert!
Dear Roger, Happy 61st!! I'm sitting at home the other day and I'm thinking to myself, "Kyle, I would love to see a movie right now." So I flip on the TV to see what the hell they got going...
The Global Male
The Italian Man The Italian man begins his day by putting on an Armani suit, having a double espresso with a man named Sal, and gesticulating wildly about the price of leather goods and semolina. Sal agrees and gesticulates back....
Happy Birthday, Joe Piscopo!
Dear Mr. Piscopo, Happy 52nd birthday! This morning, I was scanning the shelves at my local Blockbuster Video for some good Piscopo movies when a man in a Stetson hat accosted me and demanded I return his typewriter. I'd never...
Happy Birthday, Yasmine Bleeth!
Dear Yaz, Happy 35th Birthday! Two things I love about Yaz: the mutton-chop sideburns and that "Move Out" song. Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I like to put foamy shampoo lather on my face and pretend I've got the...
Gross Anatomy
Humans are very complex organisms, way more complicated than vegetables or trees, and even most birds, fish, and spiced meats. Humans have been evolving for decades and decades, and, through a controversial process called “evolution,” have shed their tails, horns,...
Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley!
Dear M-K & A, Happy 17th birthday! Man alive, 17 years old already? It seems like just yesterday you tykes were spitting up baby drool on Uncle Jesse, and now look at you: billionaire jailbait! The cherubic objects of gold-digging,...
Re: My Afternoon
Dear Y.P.R. Editors, There are some days in a person's life that go down in the record books. March 13, 1991, was just that for yours truly. Fresh from cutting out of 8th-period gym class, the minutes seemed like seconds...
Justin Timberlake's Acceptance Speech for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers "Songwriter of the Year" Award
Society members, fellow composers, honored guests, and others . . . There are so many people that I need to thank for allowing me to be here tonight to accept this prestigious award. First and foremost, I have to give...
Happy Birthday, Marv Albert!
Dear Marv, YES! Happy birthday! Look man, I understand. You are into freaky sex. Big deal. If liking hot candle wax on down your back and biting S & M mistresses is wrong, I don't want to be right. Am...
Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!
Dear Mr. Wilder, Happy 70th! I am a HUGE fan of your books. Honestly, I used to read them over and over again as a child. My favorite character was always Missy. She got into so much trouble on the...
Cooking
My apron says, "Kiss the Cook." It indicates that I, the wearer, should be kissed to thank me for my cooking efforts. It doesn't matter that I've burnt the potatoes Julienne. The point is I'm cooking and you, the diner,...
Puck Everlasting: Stanley Cup 2003
In which Y.P.R. proudly presents some incongruous drivel vaguely surrounding America's fifth-favorite pastime.
Lady, What's With All The Cats?
Honestly, this place smells like Ed Begley Jr.'s place up in Zuma Beach after a visit from the Orkin Man. I’m having trouble breathing. Do have an oxygen mask? Or maybe a lead pipe so I can bludgeon the sense...
What Are We Doing with Our Pucks?
Candystriping and distributing to youngsters for Hallowe'en
Weighing down my pockets to ensure quick sinkage before leaping off bridge.
Wonderful new coaster for my tazo chai tea, so as not to leave rings on my foosball table.
Weighing down my pockets to ensure quick sinkage before leaping off bridge.
Wonderful new coaster for my tazo chai tea, so as not to leave rings on my foosball table.
What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?
“Is that like some kind of horse race or something? I don’t really follow sports.” Christopher H., 22, Greenwich Village, NY “I’m going to the game. I got a great set of seats from a guy in the street for...
A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup
8:00 a.m. – Good god, where’s Stanley? 8:01 a.m. – Oh, there he is. 8:05 a.m. – I can’t believe they make me wear the stupid white cotton gloves every time I touch the damn thing. 8:07 a.m. – I...
A Letter from "Toothless" Jim O'Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner
Hello all, My name is Jim O’Brien. I played goal for the 1922 Toronto St. Patricks. In that year, we defeated the Vancouver Millionaires by a count of 3 games to 2 to capture Lord Stanley’s Cup. Of course, it...
“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”
Chapter Titles from Living with Your Colitis and Hemorrhoids (and Related Disorders) by Theodore Berkland, A.M., Leslie Sandlow, M.D., and Richard Shaprio, M.D. © 1975, St. Martin's Press [Discovered for Sale at a Thrift Shop in St. Louis, Missouri,...
You're Firing Me?
Did you find the bottle of Stoli in my bottom-right desk drawer? Behind the hanging file folders? Because I would have locked it, but I lost the key. Do the words "gross incompetence" mean anything at all to you people?...
Happy Birthday, Gary U.S. Bonds!
Dear Mr. U.S. Bonds, Happy 64th birthday! Good lord, Gary! Do you just, like, really, really, really support the war effort? Or did you owe some back taxes and/or declare bankruptcy and work out some cruel and unusual settlement with...
An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever
"Those are some big earrings you have," I said but I wasn't looking at her ears. "Yes, they are." "Also, breasts." She slapped me, hard, and my face stung and I wasn't sure what I'd done wrong. Her breasts were...
Happy Birthday, Marky Mark!
Dear Marky Mark, I'm going to try to get through this without crying but I can't make any promises. I feel like ... I feel like I don't know you anymore. I mean, where's the scornful look on your face?...
Your First Time
Look, I know this is your first time at this. I understand. It’s not easy. But all I’m asking is for you to try harder. Put some zeal into it. Some oomph. Some gusto, some fervor. Enthusiasm. Passion. Pride. That’s...
How to Fix Your Canon Copier
It's not an easy decision to come to. No one wants to put their Canon copier through such a traumatic event. But with the Canon copier population spiraling out of control and a shortage of loving homes for the little...
Happy Birthday, Dr. Ruth!
Dear Dr. Ruth, Happy 75th birthday, Dr. Ruth! That’s a lot of years and boy does your face show it! The other day, I was talking with my buddy Mikey, being real open about sex, like you recommend. So I...
Why This Broken Finger Sucks/Doesn't Suck
Why This Broken Finger Sucks Autoerotic acts now 50% more difficult. While appropriately hand-signaling a left-hand turn, a biker thought I was flipping him the bird, and subsequently broke the other four fingers. My mittens don't fit. I really...
Happy Birthday, Chuck Barris!
Dear Chuck, Happy 74th birthday! I'm a game-show host on Provo, Utah's Public Access Channel 8. I host a crude version of "Match Game 74" (formerly hosted by legendary game-show host Gene Rayburn). The only modification that I've made to...
Boneless Spare Ribs
Now, I’m no doctor, but I've played enough rounds of Operation to know that ribs are bones. Boneless spare ribs, therefore, suggest a paradox of cosmic proportions. Can you have boneless femurs? No. Boneless tibias? I think not. Meatless pork?...
Why Ari Really Quit
a.f.: Mr. President, I’m not sure you have the correct use of the word. g.b.: Who’s the president, Ari Atari? a.f.: With all due respect . . . g.b.: Respect or not, who’s the tax-package-proposing, Texas-big-swinging-dick, ride-or-die President of the...
Happy Birthday, Ted McGinley!
Dear Ted, Happy 45th! I can't believe you are only 45 when you've been tanking shows for all of these years. You screwed up "Happy Days" when you were only 23. Well, that's not entirely true. I submit that the...
Happy Birthday, Bob Hope!
Dear Mr. Hope, Happy 100th Birthday! That's the first time in all of my birthday-card writing that I've ever had to type three digits for age. It's kind of neat actually. In honor of your momentous birthday, I've created three...
Not Suitable for All Ages
Animals That Were Named by Very Immature Zoologists Ass Cock Tit Booby Pussycat Sperm Whale Dung Beetle Beaver Woodpecker Macaque Swallow Children’s Playthings that Sound Like Adult ‘Novelty’ Toys Erector Set Slinky Tiddlywinks Tinker Toys Lincoln Logs Pogo Stick...
Happy Birthday, Kylie Minogue!
Dear Kylie, Happy 35th! "Can't Get You Out of My Head" just won't get out of my head. I've tried everything. Listening to the song over and over, self-help tapes, using a lead pipe to brain myself (this made me...
Sally's Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul
I work for a soulless, multinational mega-corporation that specializes in hoodwinking its consumer base into purchasing an inferior product. This corporation has also caused many of its individual investors to lose most or all of their life savings over the...
Purple Pants
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, I have to warn you. With bed-head aloft, I dug through my pile of clean, unfolded laundry to find a pair of pants. Now I know I don't...
Happy Birthday, Todd Bridges!
Dear Mr. Bridges, Todd motherfuckin' Bridges! Happy 38th Birthday, my man! So what's happenin', Willis? I've noticed you have tons of movie credits to your name lately but they all seem to be a pretty big departure from your days...
I've Got Your Memorial Day Sale Right Here!
"Mondale / Ferraro '84" Button Collection! (Over fifteen buttons! )
Remember Our Fallen Heroes
Since the Revolutionary War, countless brave young men and women have given their lives for their countrymen. Only very few have had their last words recorded in the annals of history ...
You're Invited to the Big Wood Annual Memorial BBQ Bash ...!
Molly and I would like to invite y'all to our annual Memorial Day BBQ Bash!!! This year, in support of all our troops overseas, we're going with the most patriotic theme we could think of. That's right: "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero"!!!!!!!!
Memorial Day Mania!
In which we offer some mischief and mayhem tangentially related to Memorial Day. Think Toyatathon.
Happy Birthday, Ian McKellan!
Dear Sir, Happy 64th birthday! To celebrate, I'm playing with my Magneto and Gandalf action figures! I've got original Magneto from X-Men, the new Magneto from X2, and Magneto with Super Magnet-Sticking Action™. It really sticks to everything metal! My...
A Long-Lost Love Letter from a U.S. Soldier Stationed in Germany During World War II to His Sweetie Back Home, Discovered beneath the Floorboards of this Old Apartment
Dear Bess, I miss you so much. These past six weeks in Germany have really gotten me down. Every night, we eat the same thing: sausages, wiener schnitzel, sauerbraten, knockwurst, bratwurst ...
Happy Birthday, Jewel!
Dear Jewel, Happy 29th Birthday! You are lucky I'm writing you a card at all. Six years ago, I wrote you a letter inviting you to my fraternity's Spring Hawaiian-themed Formal, "Wowie In Maui!" I waited patiently for your response,...
Happy Birthday, Drew Carey!
Dear Drew, Happy 45th birthday! And congratulations on being you. You seem to really enjoy it. That and hookers, of course. I've been known to do dabble in hookers in my day also. Not really; just trying to make you...
Wedding Jitters
My dearest Alexandria, I’m sorry, my love, I hope you can forgive me . . . I want to call the wedding off. It’s not that I don’t love you, my little souvlaki, you know I do with all my...
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding)
“But why are we hiding, Rosencrantz?” “Why, we’re hiding because we don’t want to be seen.” “But if everyone thinks we’re dead, then there’s no need to hide.” “Who said we’re dead?” “Everyone knows Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. It’s...
Happy Birthday, Mr. T!
Dear T, Happy 51st birthday, sucka! Jibba jabba! So, tell me, T, will you be pitying any fools this birthday? Or are you taking your birthday off? Because, man, I've got a long list of fools that deserve your pity....
Ten 10s
10 Things I Hate About 10 Things I Hate About You 1. Julia Stiles won't return my calls. 2. Heath Ledger. 3. 10 Things I Hate About Jews? Ouch. That's just uncalled for. 4. Julia Stiles's lawyers had the restraining...
Buffy's and Dawson's Farewells
Well, I tell you I had a hectic week: spent some days traveling, some working very late, and others drinking myself into a stupor. At some point, it occurred to me that I'd missed the series finale of "Dawson's Creek."...
Happy Birthday, Bronson Pinchot
Dear Balki, Happy 44th birthday! I'm so happy it's your birthday! I'm going to do the "Dance of Joy!" Di di, di di, di di di di! Hey! Hey! HEY! Di di, di di, di di di di! Hey! Hey!...
My Cult Is Having Serious Problems
The decision to start a cult cannot be taken lightly. There are some important facts that you need to come to terms with. At the top of the list is realizing that you will never be as famous as L....
Ari and Aaron Exit Stage Right
Well, it looks like it’s the week for Jews in the media whose name starts with “Ar” or “Aar” to leave the White House or, at least, a recreation of the White House on a Warner Bros. studio lot. Frankly,...
The Matrix Reloaded
Well, The Matrix Reloaded has finally arrived, and gosh durn it, it did not disappoint. You couldn't ask for more breathtaking eye candy--truly inimitable, groundbreaking special effects, the stuff that really gets your blood pumping, your heart pounding, your sweat...
Happy Birthday, Billy Joel!
Dear B.J., Happy 54th birthday! I love your music. You inspired me to purchase a huge piano-shaped house and a piano to put in the piano-shaped house. There's a piano in the piano but only 'Little' Pete can get in...
Nueve de Mayo
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for gathering here today. I have been your councilman for a good three weeks now since that unfortunate day when Councilman Peters lost, in dramatic fashion I might add, the bet that he couldn't drink...
It's All about the Sacagaweas
lyrics by the Injunz Aw yeah, aw yeah Yo yo yo whassup Where my squaws at? East Coast in the wigwam! Listen up, white devils, I'm tha dopest brave What your people call "corn," I call "maize" You live...
Happy Birthday, Gary Glitter!
Dear Mr. Glitter, Na na na na Na na na na Na na na na na na na na Hey! Na na na na Na na na na Na na na na na na na na Hey! Na na na...
Ransom-Note Writing Tips
You’ve worked hard perfecting your elaborate plan, keeping tabs on your subject, selecting your tools and accomplices, running practice drills, forging documents . . . but have you forgotten the most important part of your heist or kidnapping scheme? Too...
Happy Birthday, Breckin Meyer!
Dear Breckin Meyer, Happy 29th Birthday! OK, I'm looking and I'm looking and I'm looking and for the life of me, I can't place you. I know that I know you from somewhere but I can't figure out where. Did...
Prenatal Hoop Dreams
My God, look at the size of this kid’s feet. He’s gonna be a monster. What do you mean how can I tell? Just look at them. We have to get this kid into Pete Newell’s Big Man camp...
Happy Birthday, George Clooney!
Dear Mr. Clooney, Happy 42nd! I understand that your aunt is the fabulous Miss Rosemary Clooney. I have been a fan of hers for years! To be honest, I'd never even heard of you until I saw you on this...
¡Cinco de Mayo!
In which one can enjoy a fifth of May, con queso. ¡Caliente!
A Message from the Mexican Minister of Tourism
¡Hola, mis amigos del norte! That means, “Hello, my friends from the North!” Our beautiful language is just one of the many exotic things you will find when you visit the lovely shores of Mehico. I would like to...
Re: Why Girls Can't Drive
In re: "Why Girls Can't Drive" by Lisa Grover. Because our gigantic breasts get in the way of the steering wheel. Because cars are built with three side/rearview mirrors providing three distinct visions of how good/bad we look. Because sometimes...
¿What Are We Doing with Our Empty Corona Bottles?
Lining ’em up, putting a glove on top, à la "Laverne & Shirley." Braining people who ask for Dos Equis. Melting down whatever crazy crap is at hand and Presto! Instant Cinco de Mayo Memory Glass! Rinsing them thoroughly,...
¡Don't Want No Mexican Radio!
[ Courtesy WMXÓ, El golpe de Ciudad de México: {The Beat of Mexico City}: ] "En la Club" by 50 Centavo "Está Consiguiendo Caliente Adentro Aqquí." by El Nelly "Su Cuerpo Es un País de las Maravillas" by Juan Mayer...
¡How We're Celebrating Cinco de Mayo!
Greg, 29 I.T. guy, Hoboken: "I celebrated by drinking tequila, eating chalupa, dancing the samba, and masturbating to Salma." Gregg (Greg's friend), 30 I.T. guy, Jersey City: "I too drank tequila and ate chalupas with my buddy Greg. I...
Happy Birthday, Danielle Fishel!
Dear Topanga, Happy 22nd Topanga! Topanga topanga topanga. Topanga panga? Potanga. Topangingly potato. Also, I topanged "Topanga topanga Topanga," on ABC-TV. Taponga! Topappy Topangaday! Topangly, T. Pang...
Geoff Wolinetz, Guest Bartender
Last night, Yankee Pot Roast coëditor Geoff Wolinetz tended bar at New York City's Tin Lizzie. Y.P.R. was there to observe and imbibe. Nick Jezarian took notes: [9:08 p.m.] G.W.: What? Yes, I am the bartender . . . Do...
Springtime in the Ghetto
As the days warm and genitalia hangs lower My allergies act up as the pollen-riddled days go slower. I feel accomplished looking in my tissue after acting the nose-blower. Can you hear the bells of the ice cream truck? I...
Happy Birthday, Tim McGraw!
Dear Mr. McGraw, Happy Birthday, Tim! Yee-ha! Do people even say that in the country anymore? You see Tim, I'm a city slicker, born and bred, but whenever I feel a little out-slicked by the hustle and bustle of the...
Around the World
Eurotrash Empty absinthe bottles Tags and cardboard from packages of lederhosen The Daily Sun Royale with Cheese Styrofoam containers Liner notes from A-Ha records Drachmas, marks, francs, lira Part of Your Complete International Breakfast Spanish omelet Belgian waffles English...
Happy Birthday, Kirsten Dunst!
Dear Ms. Dunst, Happy 21st! I'll take you for a couple of beers. I just need you to hear me out on this one thing. I'm writing a novel/screenplay entitled, How Kirsten Dunst Attended My Worldwide Movie Première. Basically, H.K.D.A.M.W.M.P....
Life as a Houseboat
Do you see what I'm talking about? Our life together. That's what I'm talking about. Look at it. Marinate on it. Fantasize about who we are and what we do together. Look at how deeply our love burns for each...
Happy Birthday, Carnie Wilson!
Dear Ms. Wilson, Happy 34th birthday! I'm not going to lie to you. I was astounded to discover that you are only 34 years old. No offense, but if someone had come up to me on the street and said,...
Happy Birthday, Master P!
Dearest Master P, Happy Birthday, Master P, ungh. You’re the mogul of No Limit Records, ungh. You’re so popular and famous you even had your own stalker this year. I’m glad they put that guy in jail, na na na...
Why Girls Can't Drive
"Shut up." "No, I'm totally serious." "She is such a whore." "I know. And this was after I lent her my $250 Prada shoes. Then, they end up in the air in the men's room at Bear Bar." "You are...
Jay-Z's "Do Re Mi"
D’oh—it ain’t a motherfuckin’ deer, it’s something Homer says when he runs out of beer Rhymes with queer, jiggaman1 rockin' phat beats in your ear Re—the light I shine on your broke ass With my ice-laced wrist2, Corona with a...
Happy Birthday, Penélope Cruz!
Dear Penélope, Happy 29th Birthday! ¡Felice Coomplayanyos! Your English is getting so much better, Penny! I used to have to put the Closed Captioning on (although I am not hearing-impaired) just to understand what the heck you were saying, but...
Happy Birthday, Al Pacino!
Dear Al, Hoo-ah! Happy 63rd Birthday! You're just getting warmed up! Attica! Woo-ha! If you were the man you were five years ago, you'd take a flamethrower to this place! This whole court's outta order! Everytime you try to get...
Pen Pals
Dear Orko, Gosh, it's sure been a wild week here at Cat's Lair! The boys got all liquored up last night at a party with the Walrusfolk. Panthro went out joyriding and ran over a couple of Berbils. I've been...
Results
Recently, and in accordance with the court's ruling, I was subjected to a rigorous psychological examination. The examination, conducted by the Bellevue Hospital facility, was a three-day procedure set to evaluate my mental competencies in several areas. Dr. Alexander...
Happy Birthdays, Cedric & Djimon!
Dear Cedric and Djimmy, Happy 39th Birthday, boys! I'm a big fan of both of you guys! I've got cardboard cutouts of you guys in my dining room. I've cut off the legs (sorry!) and masking-taped your fake bodies into...
I Could Simonize My Car
Things That Take Equal or Less Time Than My Mother's Hair Appointment (6 Hours) Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot can run the Boston Marathon two and a half times. [2003 championship time: 2 hours, 10 minutes, 11 seconds.] The S.S. Minnow can...
I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper!
I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper! Call me Dredd Scott Willy Schlepper! How ’bout gred plot zilly fleffer? Kiss it now! Bling a ling a dingding yow! Gimme that fork! Eat some pork! Groucho Harpo Zeppo Chico Fiji Guam Puerto...
Happy Birthday, Joyce DeWitt!
Dear Ms. DeWitt, Happy 54th Birthday! First of all, Joyce, I'd like to say I'm simply outraged that the "executive producers" didn't pick you to play the role of Janet Wood in the "Three's Company" feature film currently gearing up...
Scenes from Next Week's Episode of "Potato, Come Home!"
FADE IN: INT. A SILO SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO – DAY It is 1982 and the potatoes are piled atop one another in difficult living conditions, even for potatoes. The Spuds family sits around waiting to scrub each other after a...
I Can't Wait for My Midlife Crisis!
Oh, I know. I’ve got a long way to go. I’ve only been working at this company for five years. I’m already starting to make plans though. This guy upstairs just turned 40 and he’s about to dive headlong into...
Happy Birthday, Tony Danza!
Dear Danza, Happy 52nd! You've starred in several successful sitcoms. You even starred in a family drama until they cancelled it and moved all of the furniture out of your office. You are the subject of a nice and very...
"Easter? I Hardly Know Her!"
Overheard on Easter Funday at Hef’s Mansion; ... New from the Makers of Marshmallow Peeps; ... The Last Supper [ courtesy Denny's ]
Happy Birthday, Victoria Beckham!
Dear Vicky, I'm sorry. For days I've been trying to think of a Bend It like Beckham joke, and I've got nothing. Really, I'm ashamed. Happy 29th Birthday, though. Sullenly, Josh Abraham P.S. Eh, forget it. I almost had one....
Happy Birthday, James Woods!
Dear Mr. Woods, Happy 56th Birthday! James (if I may call you James; may I call you James?), I am a James Woods impersonator. I'm quite good! I look sort of like you, and I sound exactly like you, and...
Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder
"I like it flat, hard, and tasteless, if that makes any sense?"
More Soup, Please
Martha, this soup is exquisite. You simply must give me the recipe. I will not take no for an answer now, so don't try to wiggle out of it. I must make this for my husband Harold. You know how...
Dear KTU
WKTU 103.5 P.O. Box 630 New York, NY 10277-1747 Dear KTU, You fine gents truly are the beat of New York! And how! Now and again, whilst puttering along the Belt Parkway in my brand new motorcar, I'm wont to...
XL
Essentially, I get paid to play with digital blocks and build castles out of numbers, sorted and formatted and lumped into columns. I’m a wizard of digital carpentry. People, who I vaguely like, hand me numbers in the morning and...
Happy Birthday, Samantha Fox!
Dear Samantha Fox, Happy 37th birthday! I just wanted to make sure that no one overlooked your birthday. After all, I think you said it best yourself: Naughty girls need love too. Presumably, you are the said naughty girl and...
A Glimpse into the Domestic Life of my Least Favorite English Professor
Professor Grantsome Web stood in front of the automatic doors of a Kohl’s store waiting impatiently for them to open. They had broken his determined stride yet again. For three years, he has been frequenting this store and has been...
Happy Birthday, Adrien Brody!
Dear Adrien, Happy 30th Birthday. Look, Brody: Thanks for stealing my thunder. For so long, I've planned to sneak a kiss on Halle Berry if I ever got nominated for some kind of award that she was presenting, and now...
Happy Birthday, Sarah Michelle Gellar!
Dear Buffy, Happy 27th! I, too, am a slayer. But not for vampires. No, I slay common household pests. Armed with my can of Raid in my left holster and my mouse traps lining my cross vest like so many...
Top 10 Things That Sucked about My Day (In No Particular Order)
6. Oprah discussed the war with Iraq; many women were waiting to hear what they should think. Also, I was home and watching Oprah. 2. The toilet paper at work was downgraded to half-ply. With visible wood chips. 10. My...
Dear Spam
Dear Spam,
I love your meatlike product! It is delicious! I've eaten a spambled-eggs breakfast five days a week since ’58. These days, I can't even stomach the taste of real pork anymore! I'm not kosher or anything, but give me Spam over God's genuine pork any day . . .
I love your meatlike product! It is delicious! I've eaten a spambled-eggs breakfast five days a week since ’58. These days, I can't even stomach the taste of real pork anymore! I'm not kosher or anything, but give me Spam over God's genuine pork any day . . .
Happy Birthday, Joel Grey!
Dear Joel, Happy 71st birthday! Joel, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is my second-favorite thing in the whole world. (Most favorite? Laffy Taffy.) Sometimes, I spend whole weekends just lying on the floor watching Remo Williams, eating Laffy Taffy until...
To the Chap Who Finds This Bottled-Enclosed Message
To the chap who finds this bottled-enclosed message: Hello there, good sir! I trust you are safely upon sturdy ground and, I dare hope, doing well. Alas, I am not faring as solidly as you, old chap. You see, I...
Happy Birthday, Mandy Moore!
Dear Mandy, Happy 19th Birthday! O.K., let's talk shop: You've got cuteness in the bag, Mandy. In the bag. But I'm afraid mere cuteness just doesn't cut the mustard these days. You need something more. Now Britney's got the whole...
My Huge Head
My name is Jimmy and I have an absurdly large head. It's so big, in fact, I think the most appropriate description might be that it's similar in shape to a humongous melon and in size to a heavy bag....
Generic 60s Beach Sitcom
FADE IN: EXT. THE BEACH - DAY It's 1965. The beach is littered with surfboards. The girls wear bikinis that do not expose their navels. The boys wear long surfing shorts. LIZZIE (16, cute, little high-school student) sits on the...
Happy Birthday, Jenna Jameson!
Dear Jenna, Happy 29th Birthday! I know the birthdays keep coming but you look fabulous for someone who has been stretched to the limit, if you know what I mean. Most people I know can count the number of people...
Happy Birthday, Robin Wright Penn!
Dear Ms. Wright Penn, Happy 37th birthday! I've known some creepy and weird guys in my time. My cousin Gregor used to milk the goat that we kept out back to dispose of the garbage. I knew a guy in...
Cause Célèbre
Garry Shandling's face needs to be ironed. John Goodman is mostly made of potato. Jeffrey Tambor is Dr. Phil. George Clooney's best roles require moustaches. Mr. T must wake every morning, shave two-thirds of his head, and dye what...
Happy Birthday, Jackie Chan!
Dear Mr. Chan, Happy 49th birthday! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Everybody was kung-fu fighting Those cats were fast as lightning! In fact, it was a little bit frightening for they fought with expert timing. They were funky Chinamen from funky...
. . . And the Horse You Rode in On
Stinky Eddie, for stealing my lunch money, all those wedgies, and that time you dropped a mouse in my bookbag. Becky Schwartz, for telling everyone about my "problem." Lou Gosset, Jr., for being a prick and cheating at poker. Ms....
Dear Sally Field's Agent
Sally Field c/o Creative Artists Agency 9830 Wilshire Blvd. Beverly Hills, CA 90212-1825 April 7, 2003 Dear Ms. Field, Let me begin by saying that I am a tremendous fan of your work. My friends always thought it odd that...
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. V
The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 April 6, 2003 Dear N.K.O.T.B., All through the dark of night, I lurked by my local newsstand, half hidden by the milk crates and...
How to Get Rid of a Body Using Ordinary Household Objects
O.K., we can chop him into eight or ten easy-to-manage parts using the kitchen Ginsu knives; we stuff each carryable body part into a pillowcase (dark-colored, so as to not reveal blood seeping through); tie each pillowcase to a broom...
Happy Birthday, David Blaine!
Dear Master Blaine, Happy 30th birthday! Blaine, you are a gigantic inspiration to me! You see, I am a traveling goggles salesman, and, well, we all know goggles sales of late haven't been what they used to be. People just...
Do Not Spindle or Mutilate
Forceps. I said, "Forceps." Can’t you for once just be a good nurse and give me something when I ask for it? You’ve seen "ER," right? You know how all of those pretend doctors get everything they need right away?...
Happy Birthday, Marlon Brando!
Dear Brando, Happy 79th birthday! More and more each day, you resemble Mt. McKinley. Fondly, Josh Abraham...
Happy Birthday, Jane Goodall!
Dear Gorilla Lady, Happy 69th Birthday! Apple good. Pretty apple. Banana. Jojo eat. Sit now. Jojo sit now pretty apple. More Jojo. Sit lady apple birthday. Lady good. Birthday birthday lady. Jojo hungry. Sincerely, Jojo Western lowland gorilla...
Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin!
Dear Senator Baldwin, Happy 45th birthday! In the last twelve elections, I've voted for you as a write-in candidate for every single office from president down to P.T.A. chairman. (You won that one twice!) Also, I campaign for you year...
Mistakes I've Made . . .
"Ten bucks? I don't know . . . Well . . . You look like an honest sidewalk showman . . ." "I bet I could eat a whole bucket of clams . . ." "Oooh, look: a black kitty...
Happy Birthday, Ron Palillo!
Dear Mr. Palillo, Happy 54th Birthday! Ron, I recently underwent a psychological examination, as is routine for applicants to tractor school, and the shrink psyche doctor kept giving me these plastic cards with ink blots on them and asking me...
Hasselhoff: A Retrospective
As David Hasslehoff and his wife, Pamela Bach, recover from their injuries incurred when, according to police reports, a strong gust of wind blew them off their motorcycle on February 25th, 2003, I would like to share my fondest Hasselhoff...
Le Jour d'Imbécile d'Avril
[ Ha ha! Pour une traduction, cliquetez svp ici.1 ] Imbécile d'Avril! Nous espérons que vous avez apprécié notre petit polisson. Avez-vous pensé, même pendant un moment, que les rôtis de pot d'Yankee s'étaient rendus réellement au Français? Ah,...
Happy Birthday, Method Man!
Dear Meth, Happy 32nd birthday! And Happy April Fool's Day! Do you and Redman play pranks on either other? I think a good idea would be to take his gold teeth and replace them with Chicklets. That would be pretty...
Clips from Upcoming Films I Don't Want to See
George Washington Carver [Starring Orlando Jones and Beyoncé Knowles. Directed by Orlando Jones.] "Anyway, like I was sayin', peanuts is the candy of the earth. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. You can...
Happy Birthday, Christopher Walken!
Dear Mr. Walken, Happy 60th Birthday! I'm a soft-shoe dancer with moderate singing abilities looking for a role model. I have seen your Saturday Night Live appearances and I must say, you are good. Very good. Would you consider mentoring...
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. IV
The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 March 30, 2003 Dear N.Y.T.B.R., You guys don’t want to acknowledge my book. Fine; I’m passed that. I do think it’s worth your while,...
That's Not How You Shave a Bear
God, no, you're doing it all wrong. Give me the can of shaving cream. Why are you so inept? Just give it to me. Look, if we don't get this done soon, the guy is going to come to feed...
Smuggled Goods
In which Y.P.R. smuggles its fine product into hapless, unsuspecting venues....
Things I Can't Believe Happened (March 2003)
Headlines I Can't Believe I've Read Crunch! Giant Cheeto Spurs Online Frenzy Small Iowa town to put it on display Friday, March 7, 2003 CNN Monkeys Flee Research Center, Keepers Trying to Lure Them with Bananas Wednesday, March 12, 2003...
A TV-Commercial Script
Two TEENAGE GIRLS spot a PREPPIE GUY strutting in the distance. They giggle and swoon, then chase after him. Off screen, two Aretha-sounding SOUL DIVAS sing: First Singer (Second Singer): Who's that walkin' down the street? (Who?) That boy with...
Happy Birthday, Amy Smart!
Dear Amy Smart, Exactly how smart are you? Does the name translate at all? I've been contemplating a name change because I'm a really stupid moron with a short attention span for cars and baseball bats. Really, what I'd like...
Happy Birthday, Steven Tyler!
Dear Mr. Tyler, Happy 55th Birthday! Steve, You're the manliest guy I know who can still manage to pull off teased hair, leopard-print tights, and silk scarves tied to everything. How do you do it? I tried dressing up as...
Nunnery vs. Cathouse
NUNNERY vs. CATHOUSE VIII: LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW The Place: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas The Date: Saturday, March 29, 2003 The Time: 10:00 p.m. Featured Matches: Sister Elizabeth “Lizzie Borden” McGuirevs.Candy “Striper” Lewis Sister Lizzie Borden is no stranger to the...
Happy Birthday, Gloria Steinem!
Dear Ms. Steinem, Happy 69th Birthday! Ms. Steinem, I hope you take a moment on this, your special day, to reflect upon the incredible changes you've brought the world in your 69 backbreaking, bra-burning, angry years ... Why, without you...
Happy Birthday, Nena!
Lieber Nena, Glücklicher 43rd Geburtstag! Ich liebe Ihren Song, "99 Luftbaloons." Meine Schildkröte kriecht immer in sein Shell, wenn sie angeht. Manchmal, wenn ich Abendessen esse, esse ich tacos. Wenn ich mein Fernsehen einschalte, tanze ich blankes auf meinem Bett....
Why Do People Keep Telling Me I'm Racist and Stupid?
I just don't get it. I am an upstanding member of the business community. I work hard five days a week to make a living. Just the other day I was on the phone with my Jew accountant Finkelstein and...
Happy Birthday, Keri Russell
Dear Keri, Happy 27th Birthday! I'm a huge, huge, huge fan of your show, "Felicity." I cried for weeks when they took it off the air. Weeks more when they put it back on the air, but on the Woman...
Happy Birthday, Ric Ocasek
Dear Ricky O, Happy 54th Birthday! I'm sure you and Paulina Porzikova have a huge birthday bash planned. Will there be other Cars there? Do you even talk to those guys anymore? Or will it be just you and Paulina...
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. III
The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 March 23, 2003 Dear N.Y.T. Rook Beview, You want blurbs? I’ll give you blurbs. Behold: “Abraham displays a Swiftian gift for satire . ....
Oscar Coverage 2003
In which cheap, tired jokes are made at the expense of famous people.
Henny Youngman's Lifetime Achievement Award Acceptance Speech
Thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me. It means I'm old. Ha, ha. Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Catherine Zeta-Jones?" "I said $50,000." They called back, "How about $20,000?" I...
Bruce Vilanche's To-Do List
Groom curly golden locks ... seesaw with Michael Moore ... lick pudding off my Grimace T-shirt ...
What's in My Oscar Goodie Bag?
Overpriced trinkets themed to this year's films, given to millionaires who already own too many things.
A Postcard from Joan
Ms. Rivers is conspicuous by her absence from this year's red carpet.
Crappy Oscar Song that Is Not Clever but Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and the Juxtaposition of Movie Titles
Find out what rhymes with Punch-Drunk Love...
Complete List of Nominees
Bold = Should win. | Red = Will win.
Happy Birthday, Andrew Lloyd Weber & Stephen Sondheim
Dear Andy and Steve, Happy 55th and 73rd Birthdays! Gadzooks, I can't freaking believe that the two of you share a birthday! That's insane! I mean, as it is, I can never remember which one of you guys wrote which...
Happy Birthday, Reese Witherspoon
Dear Reese, Happy 27th birthday! Gosh darn it, Reese, you're the most adorable thing in the world. You're cute as a button! You're sweet as a peach! You're easy on the eyes! You're alluring to my wants! You're appealing to...
Old-Timey Sales Pitch
Good people of Tulsa, today is your lucky day! That's right, I'm here just until sunset, then I'm heading up east to Missoura. So step right up and witness with your own eyes the marvelous medicinal miracle I'm about to...
Happy Birthday, Rosie O'Donnell!
Dear Rosie, Happy 41st birthday! Look: your defunct magazine, your talk-show-no-more, your pro-K-mart/anti-N.R.A. hot air ... that's all fine and good. I don't care one way or the other. But my childhood imagination never once dreamed of Betty Rubble as...
Axis of Weasel
hey there, big boy, i'm a 19yr old weasel who just moved to nyc and i set up my webcam check it out just for you CLICK HERE click here for hardcore weasel sex!!!!! the hottest weasel site on the...
Happy Birthday, Spike Lee!
Dear Spike, Happy 46th birthday! But I'm so sorry war broke out on the eve of your special day. The first thing I did was run out to my local all-nite Hallmark/liquor store. I picked up a bottle of Bacardi...
Dear Froot Loops
Kellogg Company P.O. Box CAMB Battle Creek, MI 49016-1986 Dear Toucan Sam, America is facing some tumultuous times, economically, socially, politically. The winds of change blow, and the good or ill effects are not always within our control. In times...
Dear HBO
Dear Home Box Office,
I love the HBO. Love it. Your award-winning original programming rocks my socks. Your hit movies also have a rocking effect on my socks. But the thing is, your little catchphrase slogan, "It's Not TV, It's HBO," keeps me awake at night. Because, you see, it is TV...
I love the HBO. Love it. Your award-winning original programming rocks my socks. Your hit movies also have a rocking effect on my socks. But the thing is, your little catchphrase slogan, "It's Not TV, It's HBO," keeps me awake at night. Because, you see, it is TV...
Alternative Uses for Instant Paper Pulp
"Listen Mr. Humperdink, computers are making this stuff obsolete! You make a mistake, you type the change and print it out again--simple as pie." "Silence!" "But Mr. Humperdink..." "I said shut yer pie-hole, you mullet-promoting twit! Not another word from...
Happy Birthday, Bruce Willis!
Dear Bruce, Happy 48th birthday! Not only am I your biggest fan, I am also an amateur psychological profiler (completely self-taught!). I hope to freelance for private investigators and international spies and thereby use my magnificent abilities to assist in...
Happy Birthday, Tyrone Hill!
Dear Mr. Hill, Happy 35th birthday! I just think you're great, Mr. Hill. You're a hell of a basketball player, even if you’re no all-star and most kids probably don’t hang your poster on the wall. Still, even if most...
If S.T.D.s Were People, I'd Be China
I know what you are thinking to yourself: "How could you be so disease-ridden?" Well, I’m not even sure when it all started. I have always had a weakness for flesh. At the age of three, I groped my babysitter....
Happy Birthday, Queen Latifah!
Your Highness, Happy 33rd birthday, Your Majesty! Also, Mazel Tov on your Best Supporting Actress nomination! I'd wish you luck, Queenie, but my gut says you don't need it. And my gut is never wrong in picking Oscars, except for...
Happy Birthday, Rob Lowe!
Dear Rob Lowe, Happy 39th, big man! I understand that you walked away from "The West Wing" over a salary dispute. I applaud this decision. I did the same thing at my job and the New York City Department of...
A Salute to Some Things Irish
To Sanjay, the good man at me Dunkin Donuts! Ye serve me green-frosted donuts with li'l green sprinkles today! Let’s drink Guinness till we vomit!
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. II
The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 March 16, 2003 Dear N.Y. Times Book Review, What gives? Another week passes and still you ignore my amazing novel, Clams Casino. Look, I...
A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry
The coming week will be a difficult one. For next week, I was to have celebrated, along with millions of others, the birthday of a dear friend who passed away some weeks ago. I am to spend the weekend...
My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow
On a cold Sunday evening, I had the opportunity to dine with legendary writer Saul Bellow and Italian actress Monica Bellucci in New York City. We were to discuss their upcoming project, D’ora in Poi Dirò Solo la Verità, a...
Happy Birthday, Michael Caine!
Dear Mr. Caine, Happy 70th birthday! Are you a knight yet? If you're not you should be and if you are, congratulations, errant knight. Although if you are, and my friends tell me you are, kudos for you! You somehow...
L'Chiam!
Selections of Female Body Types Available as Dating Preferences, According to Jdate.com, an Internet Dating Service for Jewish Singles Small frame Petite Lean/thin Slender Shapely toned Firm toned Toned body Firm Proportional Broad Build Voluptuous Soft Medium Muscular Rubenesque Cuddly...
Happy Birthday, Fred Berry!
Dear Rerun, Happy 52nd Birthday! Is Fred "Rerun" Stubbs still in the fourth grade after all these years, Fred "Rerun" Berry? Sometimes it's tough to separate the actor from the character, Fred. I mean, you both are named Fred "Rerun,"...
Sticky Situation
Why is Krazy Glue dangerous, you ask? Well, as you can plainly see, I have a long-tailed South African scorpion stuck to the palm of my left hand. He hasn't stung me yet, but he will, he will, just wait....
Happy Birthday, Ron Jeremy!
Dear R.J., Good God, man! Happy 50th birthday! 50 years old, and still going with the porno thing! Many porn stars would have gotten out of the smut game at this point, but not you, R.J. No, sir. You have...
Beef
"Why'd ya do it?" The detective knew what he was doing. His questions were blunt and straight-forward and, frankly, much too open-ended for a cop with his pedigree. His line of questioning was awful, to the point he left me...
Happy Birthday, Joey Buttafuoco
Dear Jospeh, Happy 47th Birthday! I was shocked to look at my watch and find that it has been over a decade since you have been in the public eye. I think I speak for most of America when I...
I'm Sorry, What?
I’m sorry, what was that you said? I couldn’t quite hear you. I’ve got a leprechaun in my ear. A leprechaun. Yeah, I don’t know. He’s in there though, and he loves to talk. Something about stealing his pot of...
Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris!
Dear Chuckles, Happy 63rd Birthday! Good lord, Truck, you're 63 years old and you still kick ass! Hell, I have no doubt you'll still be ass-kicking at 80! (Don't get all cocky and go breaking a hip, Chip.) I've seen...
Dear Secretary of Transportation
I'd go so far as to say that you are the best Secretary of Transportation since Samuel K. Skinner.
Dear Oxford
Dear Oxford University,
Listen, I'm in a bit of a bind here, Oxford, and I could sure use your help. You see, what started as an innocent little white lie six months ago ("Why, yes, I can steer a tugboat...") has snowballed, as lies often do, into an elaborate web, which has become very tangled, and is not like a snowball at all...
Listen, I'm in a bit of a bind here, Oxford, and I could sure use your help. You see, what started as an innocent little white lie six months ago ("Why, yes, I can steer a tugboat...") has snowballed, as lies often do, into an elaborate web, which has become very tangled, and is not like a snowball at all...
Dear New York Times Book Review
In which the novelist manqué J. Abraham mounts an epistolary quest for review.
Dear N.Y.T.B.R., Pt. I
The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 March 8, 2003 Dear New York Times Book Review, Surely you’ve heard of me and my little novel, Clams Casino. The literati are ranting...
Strip This!
Candy Bars that Would Be Good Names for Stirppers Payday Mounds Special Dark Milky Way Krackel Peppermint Pattie 100 Grand Rolo Almond Joy Junior Mints Caramello Baby Ruth Kit-Kat Nutter Butter Fifth Avenue [Male Only:] Chunky Watchamacalit Mr. Goodbar...
Dear Maxell
Dear Maxell MF 2HD High Density 3.5" Floppy Disks, Your disks are so awesome! I love them more than hot dogs. When I’ve got one of your fine, fine High Density 3.5” Floppy Disks in my hand, I know I’ve...
Koufax! The Musical
The Jewish ballplayer's saga set to music.
Dear M&M's
M&M's/MARS Attn: Consumer Affairs Department 800 High Street Hackettstown, N.J. 07840 Dear Green M&M, Your chocolate candies are so freaking great! Seriously, I love them as if they were my own little, multi-colored, chocolate children. You guys blow Skittles away,...
Dear Dairy Barn
Dairy Barn Merrick Store 2081 Merrick Road Merrick, N.Y., 11566 Dear Dairy Barn, O.K., I love your stores. Every morning, on my way to work on Freeport's famous “Nautical Mile,” I stop just off the road and enter the Freeport...
Ask Professor Quark
[Taken from Popular Science, May 1958] Dear Professor Quark, Do you believe there is life on other planets? -- Timothy, Bakersfield, California Well, Timothy, we do not know for sure if there are little green men in Outer Space,...
E-mail to G-d
From: Nick Jezarian [mailto:nick@yankeepotroast.org] To: god@ Cc: peter@, paul@, jesus@, mary@ Subject: Some questions Date: Monday, March 03, 2003 1:01:19 PM Dear G-d, Before I get fully immersed in the purpose of this letter, I'd like to start by saying...
Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy
Boston. Ollie the Barber sits on a barber’s chair and looks out his storefront window. Beside him is his assistant (and sole employee), a one-armed, one-eyed, 300-pound midget named Slim. They have been without customers all day. The two barbers...
Happy Birthday, Julie Bowen!
Dear Ms. Julie Bowen, Happy 33rd birthday! I watch your show, "Ed," every week. It gives me great pleasure to see that doofus Ed chase your skirt around all episode. Since mere prose could not accurately convey my feelings, I've...
Dear AOL
Dear AOL,
I heard that you and your Time Warner cronies lost a bundle a while back--something like 54 billion clams, the biggest quarterly loss in earth's history. That's like the gross national product of Uruguay or Bulgaria. Wowzers. I empathize with you, AOL. I can relate, sort of: I had fulsome losses at Harrah's, in Atlantic City, this weekend, my biggest quarterly loss in history...
I heard that you and your Time Warner cronies lost a bundle a while back--something like 54 billion clams, the biggest quarterly loss in earth's history. That's like the gross national product of Uruguay or Bulgaria. Wowzers. I empathize with you, AOL. I can relate, sort of: I had fulsome losses at Harrah's, in Atlantic City, this weekend, my biggest quarterly loss in history...
Dear Coca-Cola
Dear Coca-Cola,
I'm a big fan of Tito Puente (who isn't?) and of Coca-Cola (again, who isn't?). Both are refreshingly satisfying: T.P., to my ears, and C-C, to my mouth. Yesterday, I took a trip to Spanish Harlem, to check the discount bin of Señor Umberto's Dis-Count Salsa CD Shack ...
I'm a big fan of Tito Puente (who isn't?) and of Coca-Cola (again, who isn't?). Both are refreshingly satisfying: T.P., to my ears, and C-C, to my mouth. Yesterday, I took a trip to Spanish Harlem, to check the discount bin of Señor Umberto's Dis-Count Salsa CD Shack ...
Happy Birthday, Roger Daltrey!
Dear Roger Daltrey, Happy 59th birthday! Roger, I feel like you and I are kindred spirits. It's almost like it's my birthday, too! You see, you are the genuine Roger Daltrey, of course, lead singer of the greatest rock band...
Dear Dr. Zizmor
Dear Dr. Zizmor,
I've seen your rainbow-colored advertisements plastered all over the 4, the 5, and the F trains. You're the most famous dermatologist underneath New York City! You're right up there along with ...
I've seen your rainbow-colored advertisements plastered all over the 4, the 5, and the F trains. You're the most famous dermatologist underneath New York City! You're right up there along with ...
A Good Piece of ‘S’
“Sally, you’re silly,” Sully said softly. “Sully, I’m not trying to be silly,” said Sally sullenly. “So don’t sully my name.” “Sorry, Sally. I don’t want to say something sordid that would stop you from saying something sweet to me,”...
Dear the Gap
Gap Customer Relations 100 Gap Online Drive Grove City, Ohio 43123-8605 Dear the Gap, I’m working on a screenplay for a major motion picture that will be coming soon to a theater near you. I write this letter to invite...
Dear Starbucks
Dear Starbucks people,
If you take three of anything that are different sizes, the laws of physics dictate that you have to have one that is the biggest one and one that is the smallest one. The leftover one is the middle one. This law will hold true for all things: three apples, three oranges, three cups of coffee, or even . . .
If you take three of anything that are different sizes, the laws of physics dictate that you have to have one that is the biggest one and one that is the smallest one. The leftover one is the middle one. This law will hold true for all things: three apples, three oranges, three cups of coffee, or even . . .
Semper Fi
from: Brandon Waller [wallerbm@yahoo.com] subject: What a laugh. Thank you, Y.P.R. I think the site is great and look forward to reading it each day. Even in my current state of depression, I am able to laugh and enjoy. For...
Stuff that Sounds like Porn
Sports Personalities with Good Porn-Star Names Dick Trickle Ron Darling Kirby Puckett Magic Johnson Tiger Woods Rollie Fingers Randy Johnson Three Finger Brown Dick Butkus Babe Ruth Mookie Wilson Honus Wagner Ray Knight Johnny Bench Mitch Gaylord Larry Bird...
The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung
12:08 p.m. I can't believe I slept till two o'clock. I'm so hung over. Where's Maury? My head hurts. 12:15 p.m. Oh, it's twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where's...
Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize
Nobel Prize Nomination Committee 1220 Alfred Nobel Way Oslo, Norway January 31, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Nobel Committee, I would like to thank your for the submission of your application for consideration for the 2002 Nobel...
A Star Is Born
The sun shines brightly on this crisp winter morning. It is cold, but not arctic, and I can walk without the gloves that were a gift to me from former Screen Actors Guild president Richard Masur. I mean no offense...
Dear Sierra Mist
Sierra Mist PepsiCo, Inc. 700 Anderson Hill Road Purchase, NY 10577 Dear Sierra Mist, I must admit that at first I was suspicious. My love of lemon-lime ("limon") sodas is no secret in the international community. When I was notified...
Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
The Earth shook furiously and the screams of mankind could be heard throughout they were devoured by the once firm grounds. Thunder and lightning rolled through the heavens, which opened and let go enough water to fill the oceans once...
Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind
"Whose painting is this? It looks like a lovely house with a purple sky." I loved purple, still do but it bordered on obsession back in the day. No one raised his or her hand. "Children, you really have to...
Five-Second Theater Proudly Presents Play on Words: A Drama in One Act
The Scene: A book-lined study. Two bearded, bespectacled men write pages with pen and ink. The tall one is MERRIAM and the short, WEBSTER. They are in a heated discussion, yet neither looks up from his notes. Merriam: I just...
Cha Cha Cha
Grandfather I think about you when Autumn blesses us with the scent of freshly picked apples, As it wafts through the crisp fall air. I sense your spirit looking down upon me. I can see your strong hands-- Well...
A Short Film That Will Be Rated 'R', for Nudity, Drug Use, Adult Language, and Excessive Violence, in That Order
Wait till you see the unrated cut.
That One Time I (an American) Called England (a Country in Europe)
[Following is a transcription of a telephone call in which I, a fat, lazy American, had to speak with a business associate in England (a country in Europe). The transcription is as honest and accurate as memory serves.] Englishman: (speaking...
From the Producers of 24
Twenty-four hours in the life of an ordinary man ...
Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I'm Dead
I may be dead by the time you read this, my faithful, loving audience. Be fortunate for my foresight, as I have thought to provide this glimpse into the very thing that may or may not have killed me by...
A Miramax Development Executive’s Notes on My Date Last Night
-- More cleavage on the girl.
Dear Lesotho
7 February 2003 Ministry of Communications P.O. Box 36 Maseru -Lesotho Africa Dear Lesotho, I don’t know the right way to say this to you. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long, it’s tough to say them out loud....
Appeal to the U.S. Government
J.E. Carter Jr. c/o White House 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW Washington, D.C., 20500 February 6, 1977 Dear Mr. President, First, let me congratulate you on your ascension to the presidency of the United States. As you know from my...
Happy Birthday, Bob Seger!
Dear Bob, Happy 58th Birthday! Bob, I've got to tell you this: everytime I hear that "Like a Rock" song, it brings a tear to my eye. And it makes me want to buy a car. A Chevy, maybe. Or...
You Like Me, You Really Like
The public thirsts for knowledge of me. With all that I provide for them of my exploits, it is still not enough. They demand more. My life has been analyzed several hundred times. Different angles, slants and points of...
It Will Always Be Burma to Me
In the deep days of my puissant youth, I was an accomplished stage actor. As I have detailed in Pickle This!, my presence on the stage is not only commanding, it is also at times commanded. I was four when...
Happy Birthday, Matthew Lillard!
Dear Mr. Lillard, Happy 33rd Birthday! I very much enjoyed your movie, 13 Goats. It scared the crap out of me! I think it was very Hitchcockianly clever to make a horror movie about goats and not even show them....
Happy Birthday, Yakov Smirnoff!
Dear comrade, Happy 52nd birthday! Although, I guess for you, it's only your 20th birthday because I know they don't allow individual celebrations or holidays in the Soviet Union. Just one more year and you can drink! Ha, ha, just...
Happy Birthday, Mary Lou Retton!
Dear M.L., Happy 35th birthday! I celebrated this morning by eating a bowl of delicious Wheaties cereal. Mmm! Invigorating! Then I did some somersaults and backflips, which has nothing to do with your birthday--that's how I start every morning. I...
Happy Birthday, Sonny Chiba!
Dear Sonny-san, Happy 64th birthday! If you don't mind me saying so, you are, bar none, the greatest actor working in martial arts movies ever.(Forgive me for quoting True Romance, but I feel that Christian Slater expresses thoughts better than...
Happy Birthday, Linda Blair!
Dear Ms. Blair, Happy 44th birthday! The Exorsist [sic] is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. It gives me nightmares! And not only at night--I get them during the day, too, sometimes when I’m standing in line at the bank,...
Happy Birthday, Emma Bunton!
Dear Baby Spice, Happy Birthday! I really dig short girls in gigantic platform shoes. I've been thinking of moving to Tokyo, because the Japanese are a small people, and from what I've learned watching anime, Tokyo is nothing but neon...
Happy Birthday, Buzz Aldrin!
Dear Commander Aldrin, Greetings from planet Earth! And happy 72nd birthday! Wow! Do you age faster in space? or slower? The movies I've seen seem to differ in opinion on the subject. Also, is it true that water flushes down...
Happy Birthday, John Carpenter!
Dear John Carpenter, Happy 55th Birthday! On this, John Carpenter's Birthday, I thought I should take the time to let you know that John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China is my favorite movie of all time. Of All Time!...
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